The Taximan Talks

This Is Me

2007-10-11T11:24:00.000-02:30

"The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." - Joseph Campbell

Life has been very busy for everybody and today I use it as an excuse for not writing in my blog. Please accept my apologies.

This past two years I have been on a journey to a destination not yet known to me. My life, my personality, my wishes, my desires, my needs and my judgements have all changed during this period of time. While I continue to make mistakes, I am becoming more adept at catching myself in the process as opposed to the aftermath of saying, doing or not saying or doing something to hurt another human being. My true desire for my life today is an inner peace that will allow me to be "who I am" instead of "who I should be".

After almost a half century of abuse, my belief today is I owe it to myself to be kind to "me". I have abused my own body, mind and soul for far to long, and in doing so I have abused others as well. Because of my own anger, jealousy, self-hatred, revenge and lies, the only thing I could give to other people was more of the same. It is said that no matter what way you squeeze an orange, you will only get orange juice. In the same way, no matter what way you treat an angry person, the eventual response is going to be anger.

Looking back, I can see today that I really never gave "me" a fighting chance and for that I assume full responsibility. Today is my day, this is my hour, this moment is my moment to allow "me" to be the person I was put here to be. No fireworks, no trumpets blaring, just acknowledging that it is ok to be "me". Maybe now I will have something more valuable to give away.

Light Up Your Life

2007-09-04T09:46:00.000-02:30

"It doesn't matter how long we may have been stuck in a sense of our limitations. If we go into a darkened room and turn on the light, it doesn't matter if the room has been dark for a day, a week, or ten thousand years - we turn on the light and it is illuminated. Once we control our capacity for love and happiness, the light has been turned on." - Sharon Salzberg

Addictions limit us in so many ways. They stunt our growth as human beings and they halt all progress in our lives. The further my recovery advances, the clearer it is becoming that gambling, drugs, booze and smokes are not the only addictions we have to deal with. For most of us we are addicted to the majority of our daily rituals. Ever notice all those people lining up at Tim's every morning, being late for work doesn't matter, they have to get their fix.

Our spouses, our children, our friends, our fellow workers, everyone has an addiction to something. Okay, so for them they are just innocent habits, try getting them to quit these innocent habits. My addiction has kept me in the dark for at least the past ten years, however my innocent habits have kept me in the dark for the past thirty years. The funny thing is that most of my innocent habits annoy the heck out of other people, yet no one said a word about them. It has been my journey to change my life as it has been for the past fifty years that has gotten my attention. While dealing with each of my character defects, I began noticing how people reacted to me both with and without the defect. The expression on their face or their mannerisms in general told the entire story.

Most of us have lived in the dark for a week, a month or for many years. We harbour resentments, we hold grudges, we envy others, we are hypocritical, we manipulate, we lie, we love without seeing the beauty and we see the beauty without loving it. Our lives are spent on a ferris wheel, going around and around, but never stopping and getting off.

If for just one day, we could turn our entire lives over to love, unconditional love. If for just one day, we could look at each other and not see the past. If for just one day, we could turn on the lights, see our own beauty and see the beauty in others. Every person, young and old, rich and poor, big and small, has their own inner beauty, all we need to do is help them turn on the light.

Is The Fragrance On Your Hand?

2007-08-09T10:47:00.000-02:30

"The fragrance always remains on the hand that gives the rose." - Mahatma Gandhi

How come people are talking, but nobody is listening? How come we are surrounded by self-help books, motivational stories and quotes, a daily quota of inspiring e-mails and still nobody is listening? Someone sends us a beautiful poem with a magical lesson, we are so inspired we immediately pass it on to as many people as possible, and within minutes we are cursing and swearing about something that ticked us off. Why aren't we listening?

We are so wrapped up in ourselves, in what we believe to be right and wrong, in our own moral opinions, in our viewpoint on life, that the outside world cannot penetrate our ignorance. We read but don't grasp, we see but don't believe, we care but we don't want to be bothered, we are busy people doing nothing. We allow other people to dictate who we are and we call it stress. We are afraid to love unconditionally in case our love is not returned. We want others to see as we do, hear as we do, talk as we do, and if they don't, we will criticize them, only behind their back of course.

This past week I attended the cemetery mass in my home town and the presiding priest said something that I just cannot get out of my mind. He said "let us now pray for those who have no one left to pray for them". Think about that for a moment, or even a day or two. Each one of us will eventually be one of those people who has "no one left to pray for them". Are you listening? Are your hearing? Read it again, out loud this time, now think about all the stupid things you say and do everyday. Think about all the stupid things you worry about. Think about how you allow other people's actions to dictate your actions. Think about your stress, what causes you stress, and think about why you allow this to happen.

Life is so simple, we complicate it because we believe it shouldn't be this simple. All we need to do is wake up every morning, say thank you for the privilege of another day, do the things that are necessary to sustain our life, and the rest of the day can be spent passing out roses. A smile to a passer-by, a kind word to a stranger, a hug for a friend, a kiss for your child and an "I Love You" for your spouse. Remind yourself to speak of the positive, instead of the negative, look for the good, not the bad, see the stars instead of the clouds, and remember that the sun shines every day. Begin living your life in this way and before long the "fragrance of the rose" will be always on your hands.

Changing Is Always Difficult

2007-07-30T10:28:00.000-02:30

"Why do we always press harder on the buttons of the remote control even when we know the batteries are dead." - Unknown

Sound familiar? We press harder because we are either to lazy or to stagnant in what we are doing to find the energy to get off our backside and replace the batteries. Believe it or not, many of us lead our own lives in a very similar manner. It is so much easier to believe that the way we are today is just fine. It is so much easier to believe that it is the other person who has the problem. It is so much easier to look at the other person and carefully define their faults, instead of looking deeper into our own lives and highlighting our individual faults.

As addicts, the only true way to find abstinence and the only true way to maintain your abstinence is to make the necessary, but difficult changes in your life. Lasting change, complete change, is never just cosmetic. It has to alter your entire life. You need to be able to look at yourself and see a totally changed person from the person you knew as the addict. Physically, you need to change what people see. Whatever your trademarks are, you need to lose them. Why would you want to maintain the image or reflection of an addict? Why would you want to constantly keep retelling the stories of your failures in life, when it is so refreshing to tell of the successes in your life.

Emotionally, you need to find your own balance, a place where you are comfortable within your own skin. Emotional balance, for an addict, is the most difficult to achieve. Our emotions always seem to be on a roller coaster, changing sometimes by the minute, thus making it very difficult for the people who are closest to us. For me personally, it is my greatest challenge. Finding an inner peace, that permits me to re-connect with society, usually gets me running in the wrong direction. It has to be extremely difficult for the people in my life to deal with my many emotions, especially when my own imbalance is so affected by these same emotions.

Spiritually, is where we can find the majority of our answers. Most recovering addicts have some type of relationship with their own Higher Power, as they believe it to be. For me, my faith has saved my life. My belief that God will never burden us with something we cannot handle, as well as my belief that anything I cannot handle can be given to my Higher Power, has carried me to where I am today. The "First Step" is admitting that we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable, and the "Second Step" is coming to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to a normal way of thinking and living.

Physical, emotional and spiritual change, difficult - yes, possible - yes, rewarding - definitely. Saying you want to change just won't get it done. Admitting that you have a problem and that you need to make some changes just won't get it done. Believing that quitting alone will solve your problems just won't get it done. All you are really doing is pressing harder on the buttons hoping the channel will change. Change will come, rewarding change will come, when you make the commitment to get off your backside and get a new set of batteries.

Your Life

2007-07-19T09:10:00.000-02:30

"We generate our own environment. We get exactly what we deserve. How can we resent a life we've created ourselves? Who's to blame, who's to credit but us? Who can change it, anytime we wish, but us?" - Richard Bach

My life has changed dramatically in the past two years. The gambling environment that controlled my life for nearly ten years is now a memory, a painful memory. The environment that I choose to reside in today is more healthier, more challenging, more rewarding, more loving, has more faith, more hope, more trust and more opportunity. Just as I take full responsibility for generating the gambling environment, I also take credit for the new environment that I enjoy today.

Where ever you are at this moment in time, your choices and your decisions placed you there. If you are not happy in your life today, a new set of choices and a new set of decisions can change a portion of your life or your entire life, whichever you choose. Blaming others for your current situation does nothing but solidify your belief that someone else is responsible for your life. You cannot claim to be an adult, free to make your own set of choices, without accepting responsibility for those choices and the consequences they bring into your life, positive or negative. Your life is a product made up of your ingredients, your input, your direction.

If this makes you feel a little hopeless or if you feel the mountain is to big to climb, remember this - "no matter how dark the night, there is always the dawn, no matter how strong the storm, there will always be the calm". By placing a little faith in yourself and a great deal of trust in your Higher Power, nothing is impossible. This world is full of examples of people who made adjustments in their decision making ability and took a chance that a positive decision would produce a positive result.

Two years ago, this month, I made the decision to stop gambling for one day. At the time I wasn't capable of doing anything else. The only thing I could promise myself and the people I loved was for that day I wouldn't gamble. Each new day, I would make that same commitment, always to myself. Before long, days turned into weeks and weeks into months. This new gamble free environment permitted me to make other positive choices, because now my mind was free to think about the good things in my life. No longer was I bound by the chains of a VLT machine. One decision, for just one day, a very short twenty-four hours, has altered my life far more then I could have ever hoped for, surely you could try it for one day.

Recently my wife gave me a book that has the following quote, read it, trust it, believe in yourself and the power of the human spirit.

"No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond
the course of what others have had to face. All you
need to remember is that God will never let you
down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit;
he'll always be there to help you come through it."

Finding Hope

2007-07-08T13:31:00.000-02:30

"Driven by the forces of love, the fragments of the world seek each other so that the world may come into being. Love alone is capable of uniting living beings in such a way as to complete and fulfill them, for it alone takes them and joins them by what is deepest in themselves." - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

At what point do you say enough is enough? When do you begin believing that your way is just not the right way? Where is the tipping point in your recovery? How will you know when you reach it? There are no easy answers to any of these questions. As addicts it is much easier for us to advocate for the negative than to accentuate the positive. We find it difficult to believe we are loved, as a matter of fact, it is much easier to believe the opposite and carry on with our life in the safe confines of our addiction.

The thing that we always need to remember as addicts, as well as the people who love and support us, is there is always hope. Where there is love there is hope. Where there is courage there is hope. Where there is a true belief in the goodness of all people, there is hope. The easiest thing in the world for any person to do, is to quit trying, quit believing, quit hoping. My addiction to gambling was spread over a ten year period, there were many, many mornings and many, many nights that I truly wanted to quit gambling, but I didn't. During that time I suffered through depression, confusion, anger, fear, embarrassment and guilt, but through it all I managed to hold on to "hope"

Today, as I approach the two year anniversary of my abstinence, I still live with that hope. No matter where you are at in your life today, whether you are mired in your addiction or struggling with your recovery, keep hope alive in your life. Finding hope can be as simple as watching the miracle of a bird in flight, seeing the freedom as it soars through the air, and believing in the miracle of a new way of life for you and your family.

Even today, as I struggle with all of my human frailties, I believe in myself and in those around me. The pain and suffering caused in our world today by a multitude of addictions is intimidating, however when we pool our resources of hope, love and our belief in one another, no addiction, regardless of its' strength, can win. We all win when we help each other, we all win when we believe in each other, we all win when we unite, addict and non-addict, in finding hope in our future.

Choices

2007-07-03T22:28:00.000-02:30

"Life is the sum of all your choices." - Albert Camus

As I look back at my life, it is almost impossible to believe the choices I have made in my life. While some of my choices have been very good and the result has been outstanding, a great number of my choices has caused both myself and others a great deal of pain. The biggest change during my recovery, however has been my wording, early in my recovery I was looking for someone to blame my weaknesses on, today I am aware that my weaknesses were really very bad choices. When things go wrong for most people, the first thing they look for is a reason or excuse or something or someone to blame their troubles on. In reality all they need to do is look at the choices they made prior to the arrival of the trouble in their lives.

Today, something happened while I was working, that really caused me to reflect about my gambling and the tremendous turmoil it caused in my life and the lives of those around me. I picked up a gentleman at a club and he told me the address where he wanted to go. He seemed a little agitated and spoke only about the weather. When we got to his home, he asked me to wait for him. He hurried inside leaving the front door to his home completely open and returned in less than thirty seconds and asked me to bring him back to the club. As we drove he fumbled with a number of twenty dollar bills, counting and re-counting, almost like he expected there to be more. Once we arrived back at the club, he paid me and hurried inside.

As I sat in the parking lot my mind drifted back to my gambling days. Everything I witnessed in this man today, I remembered myself doing many, many times before. He had obviously gambled all of his money and instead of quitting and going home, he had to get more money, he had the belief that this machine was going to pay. He had no regard for his own self or anyone else in his life. It was between him and the machine and he was certain he was going to win. What he didn't realize was that the real winner was the addiction itself, the addict was in control and the addict was calling the shots.

Now take a moment and examine the ten minutes in this man's life that I just related to you. Look at the number of choices he made in a very brief period of time, and think about what his life would be like had he made a different choice at any given time. His first choice was to get more money, to achieve this he needed transportation, so his second choice was to call a cab. When he arrived home, he could have stayed there, but no, his third choice was to take more money and his fourth choice was to return to the club and his fifth choice was to feed the machine more money. In less than ten minutes he made five choices, if either one of those choices had been different, I guarantee you his life would have improved as well.

From the moment we open our eyes in the morning we begin making choices, some habitual, others because we believe we have no other options, and still others because we believe it is the proper choice to make. Life is the sum of all of our choices, both good and bad. My belief today is that we all need to take a moment and reflect on the choices we are going to make. Think about their impact, not only on yourself but on others as well. There is one bit of advice I can give you - as sure as you take control of the choices in your life, you take control of your life.

The choice is yours.

Understanding An Addict - Part III

2007-06-22T09:54:00.000-02:30

"Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen

My final thoughts surrounding this subject relate to the "what if" something happens during a person's recovery to send them back to their respective addiction. Who do they turn to? Who does their loved ones turn to? Can their love be strong enough to forgive again? Can the addict muster the courage to start all over again?

As an addict, one of my biggest fears is this happening to me. Once you begin climbing this mountain of recovery, knowing that you will never see the top, but always aware that you could see the bottom again, you quiver at the very thought of this happening to you. Without a doubt, I am confident that in the sub-conscious minds of our loved ones, those very thoughts make for an occasional uneasy night's sleep.

My belief is that we need to understand that we are all imperfect. We all can use a little adjustment in our lives from time to time. Every person needs love, needs to be held, needs the knowledge of someone who cares, truly cares about them and their well-being. For me, personally, love is a very important word. Love is symbolic of the guidance I have received from my Higher Power, it is symbolic of the forgiveness I have been afforded by the special people in my life, it is symbolic of the hope I have in my future, it is symbolic of the freedom I feel in my soul.

The answers to the questions I posed are not easy. Looking forward, one may say what they would do, but until that dreadful day arrives, none of us, not the addict or the victim can truly say how they will react. My hope for the addict would be that they once again turn to their loved ones and find the courage to start over again. My hope for the loved ones is that they turn to the addict and find the love to forgive again. Failing all of this my hope would be that we all turn to the person who has forgiven everything in our past and will continue to forgive everything in our future.

Maybe after all is said there is not a disconnect between an addict and a non-addict. In reality our lives are entwined and our goals are identical. We have the same objectives, we have the same fears, we have access to the same answers, we are climbing the same mountain, we are in love with each other, we believe in the same Power, we have felt the same pain, we have cried together, laughed together, hoped together, dreamed together, how can we not succeed?

All we need to do is "see the imperfect person perfectly".

Understanding An Addict - Part II

2007-06-14T12:12:00.000-02:30

"Charity sees the need, not the cause." - German Proverb

When an addict is not under the spell of their addiction, they are like a child learning to walk, they are usually afraid of taking that first step. This is why it is much easier for an addict to be eaten up by guilt, self-pity, hopelessness and worthlessness. Most addicts have spent years lying to their loved ones, cheating them out of valuable time, stealing their love and replacing it with emptiness. The only place an addict believes they can go to rid themselves of this guilt, is back to their addiction. It can take years for an addict to see the value of self-help groups like GA or AA.

When an addict finally makes a real commitment to seeking help, they need the charity of the group and of those they love to help them succeed. Many addicts are very anxious to find the cause behind their addiction. Why did this happen to me? Many may die without knowing. For me, I have been clean now for nearly two years, I don't care about the why anymore. My focus now is on the quality of my life today, not on the pain of yesterday.
The most important thing an addict can do once they find that road to recovery, is to forgive themselves.

Why is it so easy for people to put down an addict. "He's only a drunk, he was never any good." "He's a dope head, all he does is use people." "She is not fit to be a mother, all she does is spend her time on those machines." That drunk, dope head and gambler, are all human beings. Like every other human being they are not perfect. They made mistakes. They hurt people, the biggest hurt however, was to themselves. Have you ever made a mistake? Have you ever hurt somebody? Have you ever had feelings of guilt, self-pity, hopelessness and worthlessness? I believe you have, maybe not to the same degree as an addict, but you have a sense of how it feels to be alone and helpless.

My purpose here is not to justify the characteristics of an addict. As a gambler, I was a liar, a thief, a manipulator, a user and a person most people would sooner have nothing to do with. But, I was also a son, a husband, a father, a friend and someone who needed help.

When you speak about an addict again, speak with love, not disappointment, speak of hope, not failure, speak with charity, not disgust, and always remember, it could be your son or daughter, your husband or wife, your friend. Offer love and it will be returned, in time.

Understanding An Addict - Part I

2007-06-11T11:00:00.000-02:30

"Never look down on anybody, unless you are helping him up." - Jesse Jackson

One of the first things that became very apparent to me when I became serious about my recovery was the disconnect between an addict and a non-addict. A person who is not a compulsive gambler, who is not an alcoholic, who is not a drug addict, has a very difficult time understanding how a person can say they love you and then treat them in such an unloving way.

Addictions are all about self and selfishness. While under the control of an addiction, an addict operates in a manner that is totally self-serving. They will say anything, do anything and go the full distance to feed their habit. In the moments where there is some type of reality, guilt takes control of their thoughts, and guilt can only send you in one direction, back to your addiction. The thing is, when you are in front of a machine, or when you are drunk, or when you are wasted on drugs, you are removed from reality. You don't have to think about the people you are hurting or the damage you are doing to yourself, all that matters is feeding the addiction.

This doesn't mean that you don't have feelings, it doesn't mean that you don't love the special people in your life. All it means is that at the present time the addiction is winning, the addiction is stronger than your will to stop. The truth is that most addicts have a greater ability to love and care about other people than non-addicts because they know what hurt is and what pain is and the damage it can cause. They understand loneliness, fear, guilt, hatred and all the other crippling feelings that go with an addiction. They can look into another person's eyes and see the pain. Why? Because they have seen it so often before.

An addict is a living, breathing human being. An addict is someone's husband or wife, son or daughter, sister or brother, they need help, non-judgemental help. The thing we need to understand is that they may turn down a helping hand a thousand times before they accept it. They may abuse a loved one's trust a thousand times before they truly accept them. But the wonderful thing is, we can help them, we can rescue them, we can love them.

I thank God everyday for the people in my life who helped me, who rescued me, who loved me enough to try one more time.

Fresh Starts

2007-05-25T09:54:00.000-02:30

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson

Every morning you awake you are presented with a unique opportunity. An opportunity that is personal, that can be designed by you, manufactured by you, marketed by you, and you can hold the trademark on it as well. That opportunity is a "Fresh Start". A new day dawning is a new opportunity dawning in your life. Yesterday is gone and with it all the past successes and failures of your life to date. The choice today is yours. Do you cling to the past or do you grasp that chance at starting anew.

When I was gambling every minute of every day, when I was spending all my time trying to get money to gamble with, when I was spending my time fabricating and lying about my life, I couldn't see the opportunity in each new day. But that doesn't mean the opportunity wasn't there, because it was and all I needed to do was awake just one of those mornings and grasp that chance at starting anew. Thank God I took that chance, not once, but many, many times, until finally I realized there had to be a better way.

If you or someone you love is under the control of an addiction today, they will awake tomorrow to that same opportunity. Like me, they may not take the opportunity immediately, or they may have to make numerous attempts before they find a degree of success. The great thing is though, that every new day they will be given this opportunity, all you can do is say a prayer that today will be the "Fresh Start" that everyone is looking for.

Love, hope, patience and prayer can help you hold the fort while you wait for you or someone you love "to start today and make a new ending".

Teach Me To Love

2007-05-23T10:30:00.000-02:30

"Love withers under constraints; its very essence is liberty; it is compatible neither with obedience, jealousy, nor fear; it is there most pure, perfect, and unlimited where it votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve." - Percy Bysshe Shelley

If there is one thing that I firmly believe that I have in common with other compulsive gamblers, it is our inability to love unconditionally. This is very strange indeed, due to the fact that we are one group of people who receive a tremendous amount of love unconditionally. Without stepping to far out of bounds, by speaking for other people, let me relate what I believe about myself.

It is not that I don't love others, it is that I love others with certain strings attached to that love. My love comes to others with a series of qualifiers. My own selfishness, insecurity and fear, has kept me from knowing and experiencing the true meaning of love my entire life. Whether it was conditioned in me as a child, or maybe it is just a piece of my character, this inability to love unconditionally, has cheated not only those close to me, but I have been cheated as well. What is more tragic, is the fact that if I fail to change, just as in my gambling days, my losses will continue to grow.

So where do I go from here? Can you teach a person how to love? Well, I had a chat with my old friend today, and I asked that same question. My old friend has tremendous wisdom, and a wealth of experience when it comes to love. So the answer was an obvious "yes you can teach someone how to love". So together we made a pact, my old friend would provide the teaching and I would provide the willingness to learn. The only condition that was attached by my teacher, was to have "patience".

Just maybe another character flaw will lose the battle to "love".

Too Hot To Touch

2007-05-16T22:24:00.001-02:30

"Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death." - Author Unknown

The victims of addictions are most often the people that the addict needs the most. Their relationship is so important to an addict's recovery, that the majority of the time we forget about the victim's recovery or even if they need one. Then comes the trust factor. After very short periods of abstinence, most addicts can't understand why their spouse, partner, parent or friend doesn't trust them. Failing to come to terms with this type of confusion, usually leads to a further erosion of the relationship.

The deeper you go into your recovery and the longer your abstinence becomes, can go a long way in returning a degree of trust into your relationships. But can that victims full, unconditional trust be returned? I don't believe it can. You see, your living your life "One Day At A Time", trying your best to put space between you and your particular vice. You continue to tell people that a slip can happen and you need their support if it does happen. Your victim is trying to return their life to some type of normality, but they are very cognizant of just how fragile their life and their relationship with you really is. The longer your abstinence continues, the more comfortable the victim becomes, but they never let down their guard, their fears are real, even if they say something different.

You see, sub-consciously, their fears never go away. They don't want to be afraid, they just can't help it. In a sense you are "Too Hot To Touch". When you tell them you will never drink again, or never put another dollar in a machine, or never touch another drug, they believe you in the moment, they so want to believe you, but if you put their hand anywhere near the fire, all the bells and whistles of yesterday go off in their heads and you are left wondering what happened. Even if what occurred is just some left over residue from your past, the fear of your past is just too overwhelming. Like a recurring nightmare, your victim can only see the pain returning, they are just not equipped to look at the problem and help you deal with it. You are too hot to touch.

So how do you respond? What does this type of response do to your recovery? What effect does it have on your relationship? Who do you turn to? What can you say? My only thought involves patience and understanding. Think about all they have been through, think about how afraid they must be, think about how confused they must be and give them time. Time for them to see and understand that your recovery is strong, your abstinence is solidly intact and your faith is starving your fears to death.

Changing The Spin

2007-05-14T22:02:00.000-02:30

"When you change the way you look at things.....the things you look at change." - Anonymous

When I was at the peak in my gambling addiction, my life seemed to be in a constant spin. My days were spent either gambling or trying to find money to gamble with. When I wasn't spending time at those fine endeavours, my mind was preoccupied with covering my tracks. Telling lie after lie until it got to a point where you couldn't tell the lies from the truth. My life was so empty, so lacking in substance that nothing really mattered. But I didn't quit, I kept my resolve, and each new day I would vow that things would get better. The only problem with that picture was that as long as I was gambling, things would never get better. I needed to change the way I looked at things.

On April 10, 2007, my life once again went into a spin. By April 16, 2007, things had gone completely out of control, as I was faced with the death of a family member. On April 19, 2007, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did. Less than five minutes after returning home from the cemetry, a sheriff knocked on my door and a legal nightmare was born. Within three hours of this happening, the people that I loved the most and needed the most had shut their door on me as well. For the next few weeks my life was totally empty again. If you have been reading my blog, you would of gotten a sense of my frustration. But I didn't quit, I kept my resolve, and each new day I would vow that things would get better. This time my chances were much enhanced, because this time there was no gambling, there was no lying, this time I felt that things would get better.

As the days turned into weeks, the spin continued, I was working hard, but it seemed like I was walking on quicksand. Then, just as if lightening struck, the hard work began to pay off. This past few weeks, armed with a new attitude and a faith both in myself and my Higher Power, we stopped the spinning. Today, with a great relief, the legal problem is behind me and a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Now, I can begin to deal with the sudden loss of a man I truly respected, even though we definitely had our struggles. Now, I can begin to rebuild what remains of my life, hopefully with much patience, hope and understanding.

The message today for everyone reading this entry is, you must believe. You have to garner the courage and the faith to face your fears, whatever they may be. Addictions only destroy lives if you allow them to be destroyed. Both the addicted and their victims need to face their respective fears. The key though, is to face those fears together, supporting each other and admitting when you are truly afraid.

By changing the way you look at things......the things you look at change.

Like Nike, Just Do It

2007-05-10T11:27:00.000-02:30

"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know, because I've done it a thousand times." - Mark Twain

Now that things in my life have begun to make sense and I have been able to look at everything in a new perspective, the time has come to get back to what I promised when I started this blog. In the beginning it was my intent to reach out to as many people as possible regarding addictions, most notably gambling and smoking. To date I have written nothing about quitting smoking, even though I have over twenty months smoke free under my belt.

Just like the quote at the top of the page, I must have quit smoking a thousand times. Most smokers do. From where I sit, there in lies the problem. We spend the majority of time thinking about quitting or trying to quit. We increase our anxiety levels, we create excuses, we always leave a door open in case we fail, in reality we are doomed to fail before we even make the commitment to quit. I believe you need to quit first and then deal with the issues as they arise.

First you need to have a real desire to quit smoking. Quitting has to be for you, no one else. Many people may benefit because you quit, but the motivation has to be from you, the smoker. Once you quit, there is really only one obstacle, you. That is why it is best to employ the "kiss" system - "keep it simple, stupid". Drink lots of water, stay focused on your goal, only worry about today, remind yourself of the positives, get plenty of fresh air and begin immediately to enjoy the benefits of being smoke free.

Your clothes don't stink, you don't have to isolate yourself from the crowd anymore so you can have a smoke, you have more disposable income, in very short order you will begin to feel better, and your overall outlook on life will definitely improve. There is not one negative thing that happens when you quit smoking, everything about quitting is positive.

By the way, you will have cravings. After twenty months, there are still times when the urge strikes me, but unlike before, I use the urge as a positive, by reminding myself about the good in my life since I quit smoking. Nothing good in life is easy, if it was every person would do it. I live my life today with hope, optimism, love, joy, peace and patience. I am able to do this because I have accepted responsibility for my problems, made and kept my commitment to change, I try and maintain an understanding for another person's opinion, I accept life for both the highs and the lows, while always staying in touch with my Higher Power.

Like any other addiction, smoking is personal, quitting is just as personal. Good Luck!!!!!

My Garden

2007-05-08T22:55:00.000-02:30

"Won't you come into the garden? I would like my roses to see you." - Richard Brinsley Sheridan

Do you remember how often we have sat around the table at Gamblers Anonymous meetings wondering about why me, how did this happen, will life ever be the same again? We find ourselves constantly mired in the past. We need to be saying why not make a change, good things can happen to me and I hope that life will never be the same again. We should want life to be better, tomorrow even better than today.

I spoke with my old friend again today, we didn't spend much time on the past, but we talked a great deal about the present and the future. Every day now life is getting better. I have more energy, more enthusiasm, more desire and a new inner strength. The losses that I have had still hurt, and as my good friend stated, "when you love someone and lose them, it should hurt".

Life is fair, but funny in a way. I have worked so hard to be where I am today. My garden is finally ready for viewing. The roses are blooming, and though they have thorns, their beauty and aroma can dull most anything. My wish for every compulsive gambler, every alcoholic, every drug addict, and every victim, is to stand where I am at today, surrounded by pain, but confident in the fact that the flowers I have planted will continue to bloom.

Watch the Cars, Stupid

2007-05-07T12:21:00.000-02:30

"Advice to children crossing the street: damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed anybody." - Moms Mabley

A good nights sleep. Some physical work. A little good news. A call from an old friend. A new perspective and today is already a very good day. In the not to distant future I will relate to you exactly what transpired today, May 7, 2007; but believe me when I say - who cares "what the hell happened here".

It is a funny thing about life, but we all have people and tools at our disposal and we very seldom integrate them into our daily lives. Then, the call comes, and just like someone tapping you up the side of the head, you get it. You realize, who you are, what you are trying to achieve, what it feels like to look in the mirror and what it means to forgive and be forgiven.

For the past three or four weeks, I have been paying attention to the lights, that was why I couldn't see anything. The cars were knocking me all over the place and I just couldn't understand what was happening. I need to pay attention to the cars and let the drivers pay attention to the lights. Thankfully, my friend enlightened me before it was to late. Thankfully, all of my character changes have remained in place. Thankfully, my abstinence from gambling and smoking are still intact. Thankfully, no matter what transpires in the future, I know that everything will be okay.

Obstacles

2007-05-06T21:10:00.000-02:30

"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere." - Frank A. Clark

This is one of those occasions where I am writing in my blog because of a need to release some stress. Just by sitting here typing away on my computer, my mind and my body seem to take a deep breath, as if in preparation for another day of "what the hell happened here anyway" thoughts. I have to be honest, in my wildest dreams this nightmare just wasn't there.

In my past few entries I have written about faith, failure, troubles, and living life as you find it, but folks it shouldn't be this difficult. Just one short month ago, it was Good Friday, my life was definitely looking upward. My abstinence was solid and closing in on the 21 month mark. Smoking continued to be allocated to my past, once again with nearly 20 months clear of my addiction. My daily walk was still inspiring, my work around the house was showing some positive signs, I was driving a taxi less than 40 hours a week and was still able to take just about every weekend off. My weight was closing in on my desired goal and my focus on healthy eating was getting even stronger. I got to spend time with my granddaughter just about every morning and from the outside looking in, one would think that our family as a whole, had very little to complain about.

"What the hell happened here?" Obstacles, I have spent my life dealing with obstacles. Folks, I can honestly say that in the past 30 days I have not done one negative thing to alter my life. No gambling, no smoking, no lying, no laziness, no anything, yet life has jumped up and taken a bite out of my ass, that no plastic surgeon could fix. I apologize, but it would be selfish of me to get into the details, but trust me, life is definitely confronting me with obstacles today.

To be honest, this is even aggravating me now. When I would kneel down and pray for strength to change something negative in my life to a positive, it was easy, because the negative, nearly 100% of the time was my own doing. Now though it is not so easy. Today when I kneel down and pray, there are way too many questions and even fewer answers. "What the hell happened here?"

Faith

2007-05-02T09:43:00.000-02:30

"The reason birds can fly and we can't is simply that they have perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings." - J. M. Barrie

What keeps you going through difficult and challenging times? What motivates you to awake with the optimism that everything will be okay? History or Faith? History, knowing that you done it before, when your outlook on life was bleak. Or Faith, knowing that you have worked very hard to get to where you are today, and while life will always be filled with struggles, your faith in people and in life, will keep you strong.

My life has been one event after another. Just when you believe that nothing else could go wrong, it goes wrong, and you are left hanging on to whatever is left behind. Then you pray that what used to be, can return, and tomorrow your life will be as it was, as though nothing had ever happened. The problem with all of this is that, the problems belong to me, they are my responsibility, but other people are getting hurt. You try to convince yourself that your relationships can withstand this type of pain, but can they? Can you?

Since the beginning of my recovery, my belief has been that this gambling addiction was not going to win. No matter what happened within my daily life, my faith has been strong. My strongest belief has been that if my abstinence remains in place, if my belief in "One Day at a Time" continues to get stronger, than at the end of the day I can lay my head on the pillow believing that tomorrow will be an even better day. The ghosts of days gone by have come back to haunt me this past two weeks, but thank God my faith has kept me strong.

No matter your struggle - believe that you can fly.

Troubles or Failure

2007-04-27T12:23:00.000-02:30

"If things go wrong don't go with them." - Roger Babson

Depending which view point you take when looking at events in your life, you can tag them as troubles or you can tag them as failures. In transforming my life from what it was to what it is today, I now see more troubles than failures. This is a very important distinction because it impacts on the approach you take in addressing one or the other. Decisions you make when dealing with these types of events could impact relationships, work, health or any number of emotional responses triggered by life altering experiences.

Troubles, in my mind are events that cause worry and stress. Sickness, death, finances, marital problems and addictions are very troubling events and either one of these in isolation can cause significant concern for an individual. If a person was unfortunate enough to have more than one of these troubles inflict him/her at once, the worry and stress can cause untold pain. Imagine an individual having to deal with the death of a loved one, an addiction, marital problems and financial concerns all at once, where would they turn, or better yet who could they turn to. How do you walk forward with this kind of wind blowing in your face? What type of optimism or motivational story could help you see light in this type of darkness? My suggestion to any person in this type of mess would be to remember your faith, remember to love, remember to be patient and remember how far you have come.

Failures, in my mind are signs of growth. If you are failing it also means you are trying. What is not working today may very well work tomorrow. As William D. Brown said "failure is an event, never a person". The only true failure is to stop trying. Edison said "he had ten thousand ways that don't work", but each one led him to the eventual success that he was searching for. Each person in their daily life is searching for some type of success, optimism and determination will ensure that failing is never an option.

By writing this entry today, maybe a person who may find themselves in this type of circumstance or something similar, will believe enough in their own ability and conviction to continue moving forward. You must always remember that when things go wrong, which they surely will, you can't go with them.

Play It As It Lies

2007-04-23T10:14:00.000-02:30

"Golf is like solitaire, when you cheat, you cheat only yourself." - Tony Lema

It definitely can be said that "Life is like solitaire, when you cheat life, you cheat only yourself" because I have no doubt that whenever you attempt to make two wrongs equal a right it never works. There is a saying in golf "play it as it lies", meaning you have to play the ball where it comes to rest. If you move the ball you have to take a penalty stroke. After the events of the past few days it is becoming very apparent to me that we have to live life as we find it as well. When we awake in the morning we have no idea what we will have to deal with before the sun goes down, the only certainty is that whatever happens we have no choice but to accept.

Let me deal with the first issue of cheating yourself. I have spent the past few years tinkering with my character, addressing certain issues from my past and trying to motivate myself to be better and to do more. All along I have been ignoring an issue from my past that eventually would have to be dealt with. I wasn't cheating so much as I was being ignorant to the harm that this issue could do to both myself and my family. A little over a month ago I even tried to address this issue and get it settled once and for all. Well, this past Thursday it came home to roost, and now I am left with no choice but to place it front and center in my life. To say that the timing could not have been worse, would be a definite understatement.

The second issue of dealing with life as it unfolds, also left me numb and alone this past week. I lost a very special person in my life a week ago today. Though we had our battles, I had a tremendous respect for this man. What is good in my life today, I learned from him, and while I should have visited him far more often, there was a definite security in knowing that he was only a phone call away. As I write this entry, there is a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye, but I am consoled in the knowledge that he would want me to face these challenges, with honesty and integrity.

Two weeks ago, my life was wonderful, I was happy, my wife and children were doing fine, my future looked very bright. Today, I sit here feeling very alone, an empty, hurting pain deep in my soul. But in life, as in golf, we have to play the ball as we find it, to do otherwise, would be cheating.

The Next Step

2007-04-09T23:44:00.000-02:30

"The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins." - Bob Moawad

Is it coincidence or faith? When a string of events happen that get you thinking about your life in a particular way, were they meant to be this way or are you seeing what you want to see. For months on end now, I have been moving very slowly, but steadily towards a yet undetermined goal. As you can probably guess from reading this blog, there are still many issues in my life that cause me to question what I am doing and where I am going. Whether it is because of my past or because of my fear of failure, there is definitely too much caution in my life today, which brings me to the events of the past few days.

On Sunday evening I found the quote which is at the top of this page. For some strange reason it really stuck with me and on Monday I tried to write a blog entry using this quote, but I found that the context of my writing just didn't fit with what I believe this quote was telling me. Then my sister phoned to tell me my uncle had passed away. While we hadn't been close in the past few years, there was a time when my kids were younger that we would spend a great deal of time camping together. I remember those days very fondly and I remember what a kind and gentle man my uncle was.

On Tuesday the call came that my Dad was at the hospital. Thankfully his illness is not too serious and he should be back home in a few days. As I sat with Dad for a little while last night, my thoughts took me back to those days in the park, with my uncle and his wife, my Dad and Mom, my wife and kids and anyone else who happened by during our stay. They were definitely some of the best times in my life and as I looked at Dad, just maybe they were some of the best times in his life as well. I thought how lonely he must be now, since Mom passed away, and what does the rest of his life hold in store for him as he approaches his 84th birthday.

Then as I lay in bed last night, it struck me, the journey, all along I have been missing the journey. My focus has either been on my past or my future. Instead of living life and accepting everything it involves, I have spent my time trying to design my life, every detail, every emotion, every thought. I realize now that the time has come to accept my life as my own, no apologies or no excuses. What is done is done. Anything that happens in the future belongs to me, no more trying to control people, no more leaning posts, no more blame, inward or outward. My life, my responsibility, some mistakes, some failures, some successes. The amazing journey of choosing the quality of your own life. My life, God's gift, thank you.

Have or Have Not, Are You Counting?

2007-04-06T11:39:00.000-02:30

"Do we have what we want and do we want what we have?" - wjg

It is Good Friday, one of those days during the year when a great number of people just stop and reflect on exactly where we are in this wonderful universe. Some people reflect on the religious tones of this special day. Other people sleep late and awake to wonder where do we go from here. Other people, those really busy people, think a great deal about what they want, new toys, new homes, nice holidays and so on. And then there are those who could care less about anything.

When I began my walk this morning I was awe struck by the stillness and serenity of the little street that I live on. It got me thinking about wants and needs, what is it that I want and do I want what I currently have? As those thoughts developed in a still somewhat sleepy mind, I began to realize those things that I currently have in my life and those things that are missing from my life.

What do I have? I woke this morning with my wife by my side, but I know someone who lost his wife at a much to early age. My children are healthy and living in this province, but I know people who are not so lucky. I could see, hear, smell, touch and taste, but I know people who have lost one or more of their senses. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food on my table, but I drive people who are homeless and hungry. I could go for my walk, but I know someone in a wheelchair. I have a beautiful granddaughter, but I know someone who lost their grandchild to a car accident. I have any number of freedoms guaranteed to me because of where I live, but I know that there are people in this world with no freedoms. I awake every morning to a very peaceful setting, but I know there are people who awake to the noise of tanks and gunfire in their neighbourhood. What do I have, just about everything a human being could ask for.

What is missing in my life? Cancer, multiple sclerosis, parkinsons, heart disease, strokes, chronic pain, kidney failure, diabetes, any number of crippling diseases, etc. etc., but I drive people who are living daily with these and many other chronic health problems. Smoking, gambling, drinking and drugs, but I drive people who are suffering from each of these vices. Physical, mental and emotional abuse, but I drive people who cannot free themselves from these issues. On this Good Friday I pray that these things that are missing from my life continue to remain on the missing list.

There are many, many occasions when I wish that I never had started driving a taxi. However, if you would like to have an open window on the real world, drive a taxi for a week or two. People step aboard my taxi every day, living with every conceivable emotion that you can imagine. I get to witness the real world, up close and personal. Everyday people, relating everyday stories, to a taxi driver who is very thankful for everything I have and just as thankful for everything that is missing.

Happy Easter

Blame

2007-04-02T11:01:00.000-02:30

"I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I have ever met." - Dwight Lyman Moody

Why blame yourself when it is so easy to blame someone else? Who do you blame? When something happens in your life, due to something you did or didn't do, who or what do you blame it on? Think about this for a few moments. Okay, so you are one of the few people on this planet who actually takes responsibility for your daily activities. Why didn't you do the dishes? Was it because you didn't want to, (which is the truth) or because this person called and then I had to do something else and before I could get that finished .................and on it goes, blaming.

Throughout my gambling days, blaming other people for my own inadequacies was easy. There was a fall guy or gal for everything, nothing was my fault. Even during my short periods of abstinence, someone else was responsible for my failures. Whenever we are challenged about our actions, whenever the truth makes us uncomfortable, we lay blame externally, instead of internally. Why is honesty so difficult? Is it because our society is so accepting? Is it because we never challenge the person laying blame? How can I honestly look in the mirror and state that my actions or inactions today are caused by something that happened thirty years ago? How can I sit here today and fail to accept responsibility for my current status in life?

We do it, we all do it. Every act, every deed, every misdeed, every inaction, every fault, every result, can be, with quick thinking, blamed on the other person, whom ever that may be. I have seen mothers blame babies, wives blame friends, husbands blame work, employers blame money, kids blame other kids and addicts blaming everybody. The bottom line folks is there is only one person to blame. There is only one person responsible for your status in life, right now, today. There is only one person pulling the trigger on the shotgun of your life.

You and only you are in control of your future destination. What you decide to do in the next minute, hour, day, week, month or year, is your choice. If you waste this time, it was your decision. If you use this time to grow as a person, it will be your decision as well. The only thing that you should remember is, the next time you are asked a question, look inward instead of outward for your answer. It is from within, after a long and oft times hurtful battle, that the truest answers will be found. The reason that I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man is because my way was to blame it on the other man.

Trust

2007-03-28T10:08:00.000-02:30

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough." - Frank Crane

Is there any other word that carries with it the weight of the word "trust"? The word is loaded and when you use it to describe an individual, it tells the world what you think of that person. Webster's Dictionary states that trust is "reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone", "placing confidence", "dependence", "faith" - wow, all of this from one five letter word. Have you ever had the trust of someone and lost it? Have you ever lost the trust of someone and regained it? Which was easier?

Due to my past, any number of people have lost their trust in me. When I tried to regain that trust, patience was my enemy. What I needed to do was take the time and make the effort to demonstrate to people that I could be trusted again. Instead, I would become impatient and continue to erode any faith that people still had in me. My needs became more important than those of people I was suppose to love and I was unwilling to make even the smallest sacrifice to regain their confidence in me.

Then, after I quit gambling, the trust that I had placed in someone for many years, was put in doubt. Placed in doubt by me, by my negative thinking, and most likely by a subconscious desire for this person to be more like me. Your mind can actually do this. You can create imaginary events to reinforce your own beliefs. The more you create, the more vivid the events become, before you know it, the imaginary is your new reality. As I put in place the character changes that I felt were required, I began to question all of these mind games that I was playing. I placed myself in the other person's shoes, the person who for hundreds of solid, verifiable reasons, had lost their trust in me, and began to wonder how this person was feeling.

Based on my experiences, today I have a much clearer understanding of the word trust and what is required by people on both sides of this mighty word, to trust and to be trusted. For me, I need to trust myself, I need to believe in my ability to trust and be trusted. The trust of other people can then be regained over time, with patience, understanding and a belief in my own behaviour. The trust that I have in other people will continue to mature over time, as I continue to mature.

A gambling addiction takes more than our money. Quitting gambling requires a great deal more as well. In order to solidify our abstinence we must wake up every day with the belief that we can be a better person than we were yesterday. As our time away from the machine continues to grow, so to must our individual characters continue to grow. Trust that person who is closest to you, trust that person who understands you the best, trust that person who believes in "One Day at a Time", trust that person who looks at you in the mirror, trust yourself.

Fear of Failure

2007-03-26T10:35:00.000-02:30

"Fear knocked at the door. Love answered and no one was there." - Author Unknown

A few months ago I wrote about fear as it relates to "change" and "taking the next step". My belief was and still is today, that quitting is the easy part, taking the next step and changing the gambler, the person, is the hard part. Now that I have implemented some of the changes to my character, a very difficult task, I am faced with another obstacle, the "fear of failure". What you need to understand is, that as I look at my life today, I am an infant, a newborn, entering areas of my life, that until recently, were foreign territory. Every day, that is given to me now, I attempt to treat it as a gift, and as with any gift, I cherish it. My goal in each new day, is to take a look around the corner, seek the unknown, test my abilities, utilize the gifts that have been given to me, and hopefully by the end of the day, maybe I will learn to walk.

The door that keeps slamming me in the face today however, is fear. Fear of failure, fear of slipping, fear of losing, fear of taking the chance that I won't fail. We all have those little people who sit on our shoulders, one saying yes you can, the other, putting you down, and saying no you can't. The optimist, reminding you of your abilities, reinforcing your confidence with words of encouragement and visions of what can be achieved. The pessimist, wagging his finger, reminding you of your past, snickering at the very thought of success. The result, another day dawns, the gift of life and opportunity is presented, the snickering clouds your vision, and as dusk approaches, the last seconds of another day, slowly tick away. Then, you lay there in your bed, praying for another day, another opportunity, pushing hard against the weight of your sleepy eyes, fearing that your meter is about to expire.

What bewilders me and befuddles my mind is that I should know the difference. But for me, taking that risk, putting myself out there, is very difficult. There was a time in my life that I relished those opportunities, challenge me and I would respond in spades. My ego was on bust. Today is different, today I try to ensure that everything I do is motivated from within. The problem with this however, is there can be too much caution, too much examination. A book that I am currently reading, talks about the myth of failure. It states that failure is an illusion and that no one ever fails at anything. The author, Wayne Dyer, believes that everything you do produces a result. The question is what do you do with the results that you produce. He believes that failure is a judgement, an opinion. He says that it comes from your fears, and it can be eliminated by love for yourself, love for what you do and love for others. Sounds pretty simple, almost infantile, but then again, I am an infant.

So, what do I do? Do I continue receiving those daily gifts, only to let them pass through my hands? Do I take action and move forward with my dreams and see exactly what can be achieved? Maybe the secret to my future is lurking in the dark recesses of my past. Maybe if I adopt the same energy, the same commitment, the same fearless bravado that I possessed when I was gambling, maybe that next step won't be so hard after all. I certainly had no fear of losing, no fear of failure or no fear taking a risk when I was spending every minute of every day gambling. The energy that was required to fuel the destruction of my life as I knew it, was intense, surely today I can muster the energy and the courage to utilize the gifts that I continue to receive. Gifts without conditions, I might add.

It is obvious what needs to be done. Action in place of inaction, risk instead of complacency, gift giving instead of receiving, optimism instead of pessimism, and faith instead of faithless. You may not believe me, but I have been about two years now playing out in my mind what I want to do with my future. I understand there is a need, a huge need, and I believe deep down inside that I can help, but I just can't seem to pull the trigger. Could it be that my own opinion of my preordained failure, is my only stumbling block? Could it be that I am author, publisher and printer of my own inaction? And here I am, another day, an over abundance of gifts, a burning desire, a little snickering from the cheap seats.....................how much time did you say was left on that meter?

Excuses, Faults in Uniform

2007-03-21T23:23:00.000-02:30

"Bad men excuse their faults; good men abandon them." - Author Unknown

For most of my life I have had an excuse for everything. I could create an excuse in the blink of an eye. Often I would anticipate the query and create any number of excuses, settling on what I thought would be the most acceptable. Looking back, I don't recall feeling guilty. Many times I believe I used an excuse just because I could. You name the character flaw and I had an excuse for why I had it and why I couldn't change it.

Jonathan Swift said "an excuse is a lie guarded". I find this interesting because when I was gambling, I told lies even when the truth would be accepted. To find out today that most of my excuses were lies as well, really highlights just how confused we become when a vice, such as gambling, takes over our life. If you think about your own life and begin paying attention to how you respond to certain questions, you will see just how often you use an excuse for an answer. Deep down inside you know the real answer to the question, and you don't mean to be dishonest, it is just easier to use an excuse. Sort of protects your integrity, or maybe it causes you to lose your integrity, depending on your vantage point. The reason I say this is because 99% of the time the person you are telling your excuse to, accepts it for exactly what it is, an excuse. It could be your boss, a co-worker, your spouse, your child, your friend or a bill collector, we are all very adept at recognizing an excuse.

Excuses became today's topic because of something that happened at work. I had just dropped off a passenger and was heading for the closest gas station to make a pit stop when the dispatcher said - "now boys and girls don't forget your 649 tickets, 20 million tonight". There was a number of comments from various drivers, however I continued on my journey paying little attention to what was being said. When I was leaving the gas station I noticed the big sign advertising the 20 million as tonight's prize. Then, as I was getting in my car, it happened, the most dangerous thought that a compulsive gambler can have, maybe I should buy a ticket.

In the next two minutes a number of thoughts went through my mind. First I considered if I should buy a ticket. Then I wondered would it result in me buying even more tickets in the future. Then I began to think about what would happen if I won any amount of money. How would I explain the ticket? How would I explain the money? Then, just like a well oiled machine, the excuses started entering my thought process. Each excuse better than the previous one, more believable, more acceptable, more like a lie. Just as quick as all of this started, the work that I have done throughout my recovery kicked in and solid reasons, instead of lame excuses, returned me to reality.

As a compulsive gambler, my reality today has to be about honesty, especially on a personal level. Everyone understands that maybe you can fool the odd person every now and then, but you cannot fool the person in the mirror. If I had purchased a ticket tonight, I would have to turn my back to the mirror tomorrow morning. There is a good side to this story. The Gamblers Anonymous Program works. If you commit yourself to the Program, use the Steps as your daily guide, you can achieve and maintain your abstinence. Each and every day you open your eyes, commit to "One Day at a Time", commit to living the Step Program, commit to accepting the fact you have no control over your vice, and you will achieve the ultimate reward, another twenty-four hours free to live your life in peace.

At The Crossroads

2007-03-19T10:27:00.000-02:30

"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn." - David Russell

My wife and I went to see the Ennis Sisters on Saturday night and one of the songs they performed was from their new CD. The song titled "Crossroads" was written at a time when the three sisters considered going their own separate ways. As I listened to the lyrics I couldn't help but think how many times in my own life I have been at the crossroad, thinking about leaving someone I loved very much as opposed to staying and risking hurting her again. The difficulty for me as a gambler, is the constant memory of my past, held in contrast against what could be a wonderful future.

As a sensible person I realize that in exchange for that first bet, what I would be actually risking is my family, our home, my job, my sanity, and probably my life. I am also very aware of the pure enjoyment I receive from seeing a smile on her face and the look of contentment in her eyes. Life can be so fulfilling and so rewarding, but in a millisecond, there are those thoughts, slithering ever so quietly, like a snake on its' belly, into the dark recesses of your mind. Telling you your going to fail, inspiring you to move backward, retelling the stories of your past, making them so vivid, that for a moment you are there again. She doesn't really love you, you fool, haven't you been hurt enough. None of them loved you. You are an island, and if you don't protect yourself, no one else will.

Your mind, always creating the worse case. If you relent, within an hour, what you gained in eighteen months, can be lost. Then the tears come, then the self-pity, then the why. Before you know it your entire system, mentally, physically and emotionally is in freefall. You don't have the strength to succeed. Remember high school, remember your teens, remember your work history, remember your mistakes, thousands of them. Face it, you're a loser, living in a dream world. Your very own fantasy land. How long do you think it will be before you fail again?

Wait a minute. I can do it. I just need to try harder. Things will be okay. All I need to do is stay positive, one day at a time, follow the steps, come on man, you can do it.

The deeper I get in my recovery, the less frequent are these episodes. The problem I have now is, while the occurences are fewer, the effect is more damaging. There is an unrelenting pressure to succeed, not just in my abstinence, (which by the way is the easy part) but in every facet of my life. The upside of the story, for today, another bridge crossed and another bridge burned.

Choices

2007-03-15T10:23:00.000-02:30

"People who do not see their choices do not believe they have choices. They tend to respond automatically, blindly influenced by their circumstances and conditioning. Mindfulness, by helping us notice our impulses before we act, gives us the opportunity to decide whether to act and how to act." - Gil Fronsdal

Please do me a favour, read the quote again. If you don't get it, read it again. In a nutshell it is what addictive people do - we respond automatically to our circumstances and our conditioning. Our recovery teaches us to stop, think before we act, realize the consequences of our actions before we act, and make a well thought out choice of action. Wait for a second, did I say that this is what addictive people do, I believe a large percentage of the population responds automatically and blindly, based on their circumstances and conditioning.

When all this began, I had the problem, I was causing the problems, my actions resulted in upheaval, my life was out of control, and I was a drag on the entire system. My choices at the time were definitely limited and thank God I chose the path I am on today. In the past eighteen months I have worked very, very hard to make what I would consider to be very limited progress. Others may believe, or wish to believe, that I have come full circle, but I am very cognizant of where I am in my recovery. My recovery has reached a very critical juncture. The time has come to look at the deep dark secrets of my past, figure out the why, and hopefully they will not be repeated again.

Can this be so difficult? Why is this so critical? Looking from the outside in, you may believe that all I need to do is continue my abstinence and everything will be okay. Wrong answer, if I don't follow through and complete the transformation of my character, if I don't make the tough decisions about my actions, as sure as there is snow in the Alps, I will repeat those negative actions again. And I also realize that while this may hurt other people, the devastating effect it will have on me, may result in a devastating outcome.

My difficulty today is how do I respond to the actions of others. What I am trying to do is articulate for other people how crucial it is to communicate their thoughts and their feelings. There needs to be a constant dialogue between those in recovery and those people who are closest to them, if the honesty and truth that both sides are seeking is to be achieved. I know, based on my past, the distress that was caused by my previous actions. My new choice of life, the decisions I make and the changes in character that I am trying to implement, are becoming increasingly difficult to make because I am unsure of the impact those choices will have on other people. I thought, as most people would, that the result would have a positive impact, but the feedback that I am receiving based on the actions of others, does not lead me to believe that the impact is very positive.

In my life today, when I am confronted with any type of negativity, a series of well conditioned thoughts begin creeping their way into my life. Because of the work that I have done in building a force within myself to fight this type of thinking, I am able to limit the impact they have on my life for today. The concern that I have, is no matter how much reconditioning I do, my subconscious still contains this old way of thinking. Based on this, will the day come again where my subconscious thoughts win the battle? To ensure that this never happens I need to continue building a safety net. My safety net has to include other people. People who are willing to share and be frank about their thoughts, their needs, their fears, their hopes and their dreams. Then and only then can real progress be made, real fears subdued and real dreams be explored.

To me it sounds very exciting. To me it means that all involved will stop responding blindly, based on conditioning and circumstances. To me it means opening our hearts and our minds to a new way of living. Most importantly, however, it means taking that very critical step on my road to recovery. A road where jay walking is the only form of "Gambling".

Who's Future

2007-02-26T10:15:00.000-03:30

"The possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react." - George Bernard Shaw

I have spent the majority of my adult life reacting to what I believed were other people's thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Either through fear, immaturity or some other human frailty, I have permitted my perception of other people, to dictate my actions. Notice that it is my perception and what I believed were other people's thoughts, feelings and beliefs that led me to act. What those people were actually thinking, or what their beliefs actually were, had no real significance in my thought process. It was more important for me, to concentrate on what I wanted them to believe, or what I wanted them to feel, than to focus on the reality of any given situation.

In my recovery from gambling I have learned that I am not alone in this process. The majority of people actually behave the way they do because of their concern of what the other person may think of them. In our society there are certain sets of principles and standards that are generally accepted by the population as a whole and anyone who deviates from this or who lives outside the norm, is said to be different. Different in what way? Different for believing in themselves and having the confidence to bring a little fresh air to an otherwise stagnant existence. Different because they do not agree with your preset principles and standards. Different because they want to pave their own highway and not take the road so often travelled.

Gambling has taught me many lessons about life. Gambling has taught me many lessons about myself. Gambling has taught me how weak a person I truly was, but it has also taught me how strong a person I can truly be. Gambling has forced me to step back and look at who's future I want to live. Do I want to continue to live the life that I perceive to be what people want to see in me? Do I want to return eventually to the pathways of my old habits? Do I want to linger in the hillside of self-pity? What do I really want?

My future, designed by me, lived by me, experienced by me, successes and failures, smiles and tears, wins and losses, dreams and disasters, my choices for better or worse. Gambling as taught me what I want and my recovery has taught me how to achieve my goals. Patience, perseverance, faith, action (not reaction), humility, forgiveness, prayer, and a belief in myself. We all need to look in the mirror, we all need to like what we see, we all like to have others like what they see in us, but we must never permit any of this to alter our belief in ourselves. Each one of us, every person, is a person - a conscious, living, breathing human being - with thoughts, feelings and beliefs, each person as they are, not what we design them to be.

We Design What We See

2007-02-16T10:10:00.000-03:30

"People who look through keyholes are apt to get the idea that most things are keyhole shaped." - Author Unknown

There are so many things in this world that we cannot comprehend. There are events that take place and human drama that unfolds on a daily basis that causes us to just shake our heads and wonder how can this happen. We have no understanding of the emotions involved or the pain or happiness created by the event. As an example, February 6, 2007 was the seventh anniversary of the death of Samantha Walsh. The light shines brighter on this year's anniversary because the young man who murdered her has applied for parole. In a recent edition of The Telegram, the letter written by Samantha's mom to the parole board, as well as an article concerning the events leading up to the parole hearing for Michael Lewis, was carried as a front page story. What struck me as I read both the story and the letter was my inability to comprehend the feelings involved on all sides of this story.

What don't I understand? The first thought is how can a sixteen year old boy take the life of a thirteen year old girl? How does a Mom & Dad live with the loss of their little girl day after day? How does a Mom & Dad live with the fact that their son took the life of this little girl? Does this young man, who is now 23 years old, have any idea the pain that he has caused? As a society, are we able to balance the need for punishment against the need for rehabilitation? Better yet, as a society are we able to forgive? If you read the book written by Samantha's uncle Gordon Walsh, titled "Into the Night - The Samantha Walsh Story", you will gain a very good insight into what all of the above mentioned people went through just seven short years ago.

To debate, discuss or even contemplate answers to these questions is certainly beyond the realm of this blog. But their are words from this story that fit into each one of our lives. Certainly not to the same degree as in this story, but they are a part of our lives on a daily basis. Words like pain, loss, punishment and forgiveness, enter and re-enter our lives, sometimes on an hourly basis. We inflict pain without consideration for the loss, we inflict punishment without consideration of forgiveness. We gossip without thought, we accuse withour proof, we put other people down just so we can raise ourselves up. Never do we think about the harm we are doing or the pain we are causing.

My life has been like this for a long, long time. I am critical of others, because I want to feel better. I seek out personal loss because I know the loss I have cost others. I punish others because of my fears and forgiveness is only a word, never a legitimate thought. What I have done is try to create in others the thoughts and deeds that rightfully belong to me. I have tried to skirt my own responsibility by blaming others. What I fail to realize is that I have been the architect of my own pain, my own losses, my own punishment, and my own lack of forgiveness. Daily we each have the power to make this a better place to live. We each have the ability to inflict a little happiness, lend a little smile and speak a little good. We only need to look beyond our own little world into the lives of others. See in them that which we desire for ourselves, and instead of being thrifty, spend the richness of our spirit, for that is a well that will never run dry.

Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right

2007-02-08T09:25:00.000-03:30

"You can't make something right by doing something wrong." - Anonymous

How many times in our lives are we able to rationalize to ourselves that something we know for a fact is the wrong thing to do, is okay because we are doing it for the right reasons? This is not true just for addicts, it is true for all society. The way I see it in my life it is something that I justify by saying "I don't want to hurt the other person" when in fact it is my own hide that I am protecting. Any number of events that have happened in my life can be traced back to this kind of thinking. The event that sticks out the most for me however, was the time that suicide became the only legitimate solution for me, in an attempt to help my family.

While suicide tends to be prevalent among people suffering with an addiction, it is also very common among those suffering from various degrees of depression. In fact it is usually during a state of depression that an addict pursues this type of so called "cure for their problem". There have been many times that during my discussions with people about suicide, I have referred to suicide as a cowardly act. In fact after spending three hours that night sitting by the side of that pond, with one foot on the gas pedal and the other foot on the brake pedal, I eventually considered my attempt as a cowardly act. Thinking today, about the type of mindset that you are in at the time, I don't believe I should be making that determination. You convince yourself that this is the best action for everyone concerned and because of your state of mind it is very difficult to entertain any other options. The greater question for me today is, why? Why do so many people have such a varying degree of appreciation for their own life, and a greater or lessor appreciation for the lives of others?

In my job, I have the privilege of driving every conceivable type of person there is living in our world today. People who are happy, sad, depressed, angry, ignorant, kind, thoughtful, selfish, aloof, sick, tired, worried, anxious, distraught, expectant, nervous, disappointed, cheap, ruthless, evil, peaceful, thankful, etc. etc. One gentleman that I drove the other day, in his mid-forties, having dialysis three times a week, told me "I pray to die". Another gentleman who has a son battling cancer, told me "It could be worse" referencing what the Churchill family has had to go through. Another young man angry with the world about something or other, called me "A f''king idiot" because I wouldn't accept five dollars for a nine dollar fare. Still another young lady tipped me two dollars because she said "I really enjoyed this ride, you made me feel better about this exam I am about to write".

Thousands of people, each with their own individual appreciation for life, not only their own, but yours and mine as well. Like me, most are not thinking in terms of right or wrong, but in terms of how we see our own life in relationship to everyone else. We are so busy, that we fail to see the beginning and the end. We fail to see that the second we are born, we begin to die. We fail to comprehend that a predetermined time has been set, and every second, every minute, every hour and every day that we waste, is time we cannot retrieve. That is why a wrong can never make anything right. There is only the right way. No matter how much you rationalize, no matter how determined you are to try and make it the right way, there is only one right way. There is only one way to treat yourself, the people you love, and society in general. Treat everyone with an appreciation for their time, their feelings, and their thoughts. For it is the inner side of man that few of us will ever get to see. Judge not, that which is unknown to you.

Who Are You?

2007-02-04T11:13:00.000-03:30

"Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people." - Martina Navratilova

Why is it we don't like other people putting a label on us but we don't mind putting a label on ourselves? Or is it that we don't mind other people putting certain labels on us as long as the label is positive and as long as we agree with them? Funny thing about that fact, call me intelligent but don't call me stupid. You can tell people I am honest but don't call me a liar. It is okay to tell people how successful I am but don't call me an under-achiever. Talk about my inner beauty but don't discuss my ugly side. Tell people how brave I am to face my addictive habits head-on but don't say a word about how cowardly I am when it comes to dealing with my actual defects of character. Funny thing how quiet I am when my life is up for discussion compared to how loud I am when we are talking about someone else's problems. Any of this sound familiar? Or am I the only person stupid enough to think this way?

You see folks, if you really want to address the problems in your life, you need to be honest with yourself. It is pointless to sit there week after week and say "I am a compulsive gambler", if the only thing we are willing to do about it is try not to gamble. You see gambling is a symptom of something else that is wrong in your life. There is no doubt in my mind that when everything is good in my life, gambling is a very distant thought, however turn up the stress level, and all of a sudden that distant thought can become tomorrow's reality. Why? Because we haven't developed the tools required to deal with the stressful events in our life. Instead we find it easier to have a slip, admit our mistake, and sit there confidently and say the reason for my slip is because "I am a compulsive gambler".

Now extend this line of thinking one step further and you will begin to understand why we have problems in our various relationships. We have a slip and say how stupid we are, but if our spouse happens to say how stupid we are, we accuse them of not being supportive. We admit that our lies are unacceptable, but if our friend feels hurt by our lying, we accuse them of not understanding. Deep down we know we are under-achieving, but let our employer state this fact and we accuse them of not giving us the required tools to do our job. Do I doubt what I want in this life? Never. Do I doubt my commitment to achieve what I want in this life? Always. But I am the only person allowed to think it and the only person allowed to say it.

So the question remains, who are you? Are you the person who seeks a better life regardless of the label or are you the person who seeks comfort from the world because of the label? Who you are and who you wish to be, is in your control. If you want to be seen as honest, be honest. If you want to be seen as a person committed to your recovery, commit to it. You will be able to better define who you are when you accept the fact that no matter what the outside world sees, it is what you see that truly makes the difference. If you take a moment today to list the labels that best represent what you want to become, you can begin to shed that label that only represents what you are and not what you want to be. Today "I am a compulsive gambler" but tomorrow I want to be wise, loving, easy-going, humble, energetic, happy, optimistic, healthy, free........................

Acceptance

2007-01-28T21:00:00.000-03:30

"When you are in a state of non-acceptance, it's difficult to learn. A clenched fist cannot receive a gift, and a clenched psyche -- grasped tightly against the reality of what must not be accepted -- cannot easily receive a lesson." - Roger John

The first step in Gamblers Anonymous is accepting the fact that you have lost the ability to gamble like other people. It asks us to admit we have a problem and by doing so we can begin our recovery. Hogwash, I said, the only reason I came here was to appease the people in my life. I am not like the rest of the people in this room, these people have a real problem, they should really get some help. So I stayed for a few meetings and when the pressure at home was gone, my attendance at the meetings was gone as well.

Sound familiar, it took me the better part of nine years to accept the fact that I had a real problem. During that same time, many of my fellow gamblers have climbed that stairs to attend a meeting for someone else, with a clenched psyche -- grasped tightly against the idea that they had a problem. Today, as I continue to attend my meetings, people come and go, unwilling to take that first step, admitting they have a problem. Why is it so difficult to accept this fact, that we are addicted to gambling? Why is it so difficult to look in the mirror and say I have a problem? What are we afraid of losing? How do we think our lives will change? Will we really be worse off than we are today?

Using my life as an example, you be the judge of whether I am worse off today than when I was gambling. Today my finances are in order and I am not afraid to answer the phone for fear that a bill collector may be calling. Today I don't need to lie about my daily activities and constantly have an alibi for my time away from home. Today my mind is clear as I don't have to live with the guilt and shame that my gambling caused me. A good night's sleep has replaced the nightmares and a solid vision for my future has replaced the self-hatred of my past. Today frowns have been replaced by smiles, fear has been replaced by hope, doubt has been replaced by a belief in my abilities and darkness has been replaced by light. Today I look up instead of down, ahead instead of backward and I am energetic instead of tired. My life today is the polar opposite to what it was when I was gambling.

The great thing about this is you can do the same as I have, accept the fact you have a problem. Accept the help that is there for the taking. Accept the freedom that comes with living your life free from gambling. Accept the people who still want to be a part of your life. Accept the person you really are, the person you truly want people to see, the person you used to be. Relax your fist, release the grasp on your psyche, be the best you can be -- be yourself!

Time Well Wasted

2007-01-24T19:57:00.000-03:30

"It Strikes! One, two, three, four, five, six. Enough, enough, dear watch, thy pulse hath beat enough. Now sleep and rest; would thou could'st make the time to do so too, I'll wind thee up no more." - Ben Jonson

There is a TV station whose slogan is "Time Well Wasted", and it got me thinking about my time. How do I use it? What value do I put on it? Who do I let partake of it? Do I allow them to waste it? How much of it do I have left? Do I have enough to finish writing this entry? Will I get to see my granddaughter go to school? Better still will I get to see her graduate? All of these are very good questions and there are many more that could be added.

You see when I gave up gambling, for a very short period there was an abundance of time. Today, however this is not the case, mainly because of all the activities that have been added to my schedule. From my morning walk, to my time with my granddaughter, to my meetings and the time I spend working on my recovery, plus my job and the work I do around the house, my days are usually very full. But are they? What about the time I spend thinking about my current situation and how I can move myself forward? What about the time I spend worrying about my relationships with various people and if things are going to get better or worse? What about the time I waste thinking about all of the time I have wasted? Are any of these good uses of my time?

If there is one thing that I have learned since I stopped gambling, it is that being a good administrater of time does not mean that you will make good use of your time. Just when I think that I have most facets of my life in good working order, something happens that makes me feel very fragile. This in turn brings a level of fear into my life, which in turn causes worry, which in turn causes me to question most everything in my life, which in turn makes me believe that I am wasting a great deal of precious time. So, after all this fear, worrying, questioning and wasting, what am I left with?

After reading what I have just written it seems clear to me that I have to believe in the current choices that I am making. If I compare my life today against what my life was like a very short time ago, one could argue that my choices have been very good to date. No gambling, no smoking, healthy living, a financial contributor to my family, a vision of my future, the ability to live independently for the first time in a very long time and a renewed belief in my own abilities. Not to bad in less than two years. Maybe my time is not well wasted after all.

The moral of the story is that if you are free from your addiction, you are already doing better. If you are moving your life forward, even in very small steps, you are indeed on the right road. Don't over think, don't allow other people to make you over think and be happy with your progress, you deserve it!

Recovery Takes Time

2007-01-19T11:28:00.000-03:30

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams

As you know by now I go for a walk every morning. Today as I was walking and thinking about my recovery, how it was going, how was I feeling, and other issues in my life that were raising red flags for me, I got to thinking about sunrises.

Each and every morning the sun rises. Nature has given it a preset time. Some days we can see it rise, other days it rises in the mask of clouds. But every day it rises. Some mornings the redness of its' rising fills the sky in anticipation of another miracle. Other mornings daylight comes as if from some hidden source. As we see the first signs of daylight flickering on the horizon, there is no rush, no sudden appearance, just a slow and steady push upwards, until we finally see its' beauty. Even on the coldest of days, when the sun shows itself to us we feel a certain heat, natures way of showing that she cares about our feelings. Though the sun shows patience in its arrival, its' perseverance can split the clouds and bring a bright light to a somewhat dreary day.

Our individual recovery can be a mimic of the sun. Everyday that we open our eyes it will be there with us. Some days we will feel so good that our entire system will feel rejuvenated. On other days it will be hard for us to take our head from the pillow. When other people bring us down, we need to try harder to push upward. We cannot bring other people's problems into our lives. We can help other people, but we cannot become weighted by their turmoil. Just as the sun has patience in waiting for that time of arrival, we to must have patience with our recovery and with the people in our lives. And just as the sun shows perseverance in coming into full view, we must have perseverance in committing to a full recovery.

Most of us want things to be better yesterday. Most of us want the sun to shine everyday, no clouds, no rain. Unfortunately life is not like that, some days we will be the source of the clouds in our lives and some days other people will bring us down. It is at those times that we need to be strong. Many times the people in our lives don't understand that they need to share their feelings with us. They don't understand that communication is freedom. Talking, discussing, debating and resolving, that is how we move our recovery forward and that is how the people in our lives can help us move our relationships forward. If not the sun will always be masked with a cloud.

So as you move forward with your day, whether you are an addict or not, think of the sun, because above the clouds every day is a beautiful day.

My Apple Tree

2007-01-17T10:18:00.000-03:30

"Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree." - Martin Luther King Jr.

To me, this is what our recovery is all about, using our Recovery Program to teach us a new way of life. Teaching us each day to plant a new apple tree. Not living with the regrets of yesterday or worrying about the pitfalls of tomorrow, but living today. Planting seeds of hope, love, forgiveness, patience, courage and wisdom on our way to a better life.

How do we achieve this in our lives? How do we get past the conflicting emotions? How do we convince ourselves to plant these seeds of recovery? One suggestion is to look around you at all that is good in your life. Get past the pity just long enough to see other people's struggles. Get past the anger just long enough to see the pain in the faces of your loved ones. Get past the need to be in control just long enough to see just how out of control you really are. There is no doubt that being a compulsive gambler is not easy. It destroys the person. It steals the honesty and confidence of its' victim and replaces it with lies and self-doubt. But life is not easy for most people.

Take a moment and place yourself as a young, intelligent, motivated black student living in the southern United States in the 1960s. Just like a handicapped person in a wheelchair where there are no ramps or no elevators, you just can't get in. You can't go to a white school, you can't eat at a white restaurant, you can't ride the bus, and on and on it goes. But above all of this you still have the hope, love, forgiveness, patience, courage and wisdom to plant an apple tree. No matter how often you hear the word "no", you keep saying "yes".

As compulsive gamblers we need to keep saying "yes". "Yes" I have a problem. "Yes" I need help. "Yes" I need to go to my meetings. "Yes" I need to work the Recovery Program. "Yes" I want to help others succeed.
"Yes" today is my day and I will not waste it. "Yes" I will plant an apple tree today!!!

The Machine Didn't Do It

2007-01-11T22:20:00.000-03:30

"Life is the sum of all your choices." - Albert Camus

When I created this Blog it was my intent to tell my story and then over time deal with a number of issues that compulsive gamblers deal with in their recovery. The saturation of our province with VLT machines is one of those issues. Most compulsive gamblers, in the beginning, are always looking for some one or some thing to blame their difficult situation on. They firmly believe that if you took all those machines out of the province, than their problems would be solved. As always I can only speak for one compulsive gambler, and from where I sit, the problems in my life were created by my choices. The number of machines, whether it be 100 or 10, did not cause my problems, and will definitely not fix my problems.

While I agree that the removal of the VLT machines would make it more difficult for a compulsive gambler to get their fix, the underlying problems within the compulsive gambler would not disappear. My belief is that an addict, regardless of their chosen vice, has certain character problems or life problems, that leads them away from the norm, into a lifestyle that they believe they can control. For me, when I was gambling, I didn't have to deal with life. My gambling environment, was carefully chosen, involved as few people as possible and was under my total control. Or so I thought. The one thing that I couldn't control was the money, if I could have, life would have been perfect. For inside that controlled environment I didn't have to deal with anybody or anything. It wasn't about the machine, it was about running away from reality.

Believing that the removal of VLT machines will solve your problem only guarantees that your problems will continue. An addiction is a serious issue. The quicker you realize this, the quicker you can have a new beginning in your life. Blaming your weaknesses on anything other than your own self only serves to extend the time you have to live with these weaknesses. Standing up and admitting you have a problem, while very difficult, is the first step to a better way of life. Don't get me wrong, nothing will ever be perfect. But I don't think that life is about perfection. Life is about choices. Life will return to each of us exactly what we give it. If you can't give it your best, don't blame it on a machine.

Looking For The Why

2007-01-10T22:16:00.000-03:30

"All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why." - James Thurber

All of a sudden I am beginning to understand one of the reasons why I gambled. It was a substitute to dealing with the real issues in my life. Dealing with character defects and character flaws makes gambling look like a walk in the park. If you refer back to my earlier entries, you will see that when I quit in the past, especially in the year 2000, I did absolutely nothing to change the gambler. Hence a few years later I gambled again. Now that I am dealing with this issue it is very frustrating when I have a setback, mainly because I don't understand the WHY.

Why is it that when a setback occurs, we start to question everything that we are doing, as if, in some unexplained way we are doing everything wrong? Surely, if all is okay at 4:00pm, then you have a miscue at 5:00pm, all is not lost at 6:00pm. However, if you look at my reaction to the miscue this past Sunday, you would think that something totally earth shattering had occurred. So today as I reflect on what happened, the question is not - where did the anger come from - but - why the devastating response?

Gambling, unlike other addictions, can be hidden for long periods of time. Gamblers, unlike other addicts, can create our own reality for long periods of time. Even though spending is out of control, bills are piling up, hours are spent sitting in front of a machine, we have the ability to create within those people who are very close to us, the sense that everything is just fine. Our reality convinces people that we will be okay. Our lies create a life that is total fiction. Our lies not only deceive others, after a time they even deceive us. We tell our lies so well, that we start believing them. Our lies become our reality.

I believe now that the reason a setback causes such a devastating response is because of fear. Fear that I am creating my own reality again. Fear that I am trying to control people again. Fear that all the work, all the hope, is just a mirage, and in my reality nothing has changed. But as I awake to a new day and see that the world, as I know it, hasn't changed, the fear subsides. My life is better today because I take the time to ask myself the question. No person is harder on me today than me. Today, I constantly challenge every thought, every action and every response. It is very important for me to live in the now. It is very important for me to believe that things are different. While it has been a long time since my last bet, I am very aware of how close I will always be to my next bet, and that distance will never change. Because of this, I need to ask WHY?

Anger - Why?

2007-01-08T13:05:00.000-03:30

"Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him." - Louis L"Armour

If there was one thing I realized when I started looking at my character defects, it was that anger was my greatest enemy. Knowing this, allowed me to put strategies in place to deal with situations that would normally cause me to become upset. Either by genetics or some other stupid flaw in my character, I have always had a very short fuse. As I have gotten older these fits of anger were having a very detrimental effect on my system. However, I discovered yesterday, that the strategies I have in place are not fool proof, for the fool in me came out again. This time, maybe because it has been a long time since I have had an angry rage, the result was devastating.

Never before has an angry moment left me so useless. Everything positive that was in my soul evaporated. Because it was Sunday evening, I went to church, but it was just as well if I had went out in my shed. I never heard a word that was said and for the most part I didn't want to hear anything. I was emotionally drained. It was as if I never quit anything. Why not gamble? Why not have a cigarette? Why not tell everyone to go to hell and just leave me alone? Why do I have to deal with this b.s. anyway? You work so hard. For what? To have it all fall apart in about sixty seconds.

Well its Monday now, I didn't gamble, I didn't smoke, but I am still emotionally spent. Why the anger? Where did it come from? How long has it been there? Was I really angry with what happened or is my anger deeper than even I can understand? Do I have the tools to deal with my anger? Deep down, do I want to deal with this right now? Lots of questions but not very many answers. There is one fact that I do believe. Whatever is inside of you, that is what will eventually come out. If you could only hear all the negative crap going on in my head right now. And to think that most people look at me and think that I am normal. Who said you can never read a book by looking at the cover?

Speaking of books, I am currently reading "The Pursuit of Happiness". How ironic, I guess I should go read another chapter, who knows what I might find.

Happy New Year

2007-01-05T10:35:00.000-03:30

"After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb." - Nelson Mandela

Sorry I haven't been writing this past few days, but the flu bug knocked me down.

Before I get into focusing on the New Year 2007, let each of us take a moment and reflect on 2006. For me personally, this past year had a number of firsts. It was my first calendar year gamble free. It was my first calendar year smoke free. I returned to Gamblers Anonymous meetings after a long absence. My recovery has moved from dealing with the urge to gamble to dealing with the character defects that caused me to gamble. This past year will serve as a good foundation for me to build my future on. Life continues to teach me, "hurt has given me the capacity to feel happiness, bad times made me appreciate the good ones and what I once thought were my weaknesses are becoming my greatest strengths".(taken from my GA One Day at a Time book)

So, as a compulsive gambler, what are my goals for 2007. Will I let myself dream a little and start thinking of what can be achieved in the future. Will I start a list of "I will do this and this and...." or should I focus on today. No matter what your addiction is, the program teaches us to live "One Day at a Time". Why? Because tomorrow is guaranteed to no man. When we are gambling, tomorrow is always going to be better. We live in a fantasy world, dreaming of what tomorrow will be like, rehashing our mistakes which causes our lives to spiral out of control. Today, I will not fall into that trap.

My goals for 2007 will not be set for a year, or forever, but for today. The program has taught me to focus on today. At the beginning of each new day, if my first goal is not to gamble, the rest of my day will be very fulfilling. By not gambling, I have the ability to look at my life through a completely different set of eyes. I am able to see and experience each gift that is in my life. From my wife, to my children, to my granddaughter, to my family, to my friends and beyond I can enjoy life for the tremendous gift that it is. While it sometimes pains me to think of all that I have wasted, I firmly believe that my excitement for today is clear and vibrant because of all of yesterday's waste. So as you begin 2007, whether you are an addict or not, live for today. For the moment it is all you have. In a moment it will be just a memory. Happy New Day!!!!!!!!

Do It For James

2006-12-28T09:48:00.000-03:30

"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail." - Abraham Maslow

How many times during your day do you stop and think about all the gifts in your life? Not material gifts, but the gifts that allow you to be an active member of society. The gifts that permit you to enjoy your breakfast, play with your kids, drive your car, do your job, enjoy time with your friends or to sit quietly in the corner and read your favourite book. For me, personally, I rarely take the time to acknowledge the thousands of God given gifts that assist me in taking an active role in the world I live in. That is until recently. Since I met James for the first time I find myself asking all kinds of questions to myself.

James is a young man, 7-8 years of age, who attends school, goes to daycare and when you see him for the first time, you would think that everything is fine. James, however, has been diagnosed as "globally delayed". Sounds intimidating. It is. James doesn't talk, he goes to school to try and learn the very basics of interacting with people, he has a worker with him for most of his day, and his future is going to be just more of his past. When he smiles though, he can light up a room, and when he gets mad he can give you the cold shoulder just as good as anybody. When you look into his eyes, it is like he knows something, but he just won't tell you. He has the sweetest face and you could fall in love with him very quickly. Just yesterday, as he was getting out of my car, I said have a good day James, and he turned and looked at me as if to say "I always have a good day".

That got me thinking. If James had all of my God given gifts for just one day, how would he use them. Do you think he would complain about having to get out of bed? Do you think he would forget to hug his wife or his mom? Do you think he would speed across town as if he was the only person on the road? Do you think he would say nasty things about other people? Do you think he would spend a part of his day gossiping? Do you think he would complain about his job? Do you think he would spend most of his day sitting in front of a machine, gambling? Or on a barstool, drinking? Or in an alley, doing drugs? Having experienced life as he is living it today, would he live my life as I do? I think not.

I believe we can all be in agreement that if James had the opportunity, he would use these new found gifts to the fullest. But life is not like that. I cannot give my gifts to James, not even for one day. But I can cherish the gifts I have been given and use them to extent that my talent and ability allows me to. If each one of us had to live James' life for a day, how would we respond? Everything you do in life is by choice. What you think, what you say, what you eat, what you read, what education you get, what job you work at, who your friends are, what vices you have, everything in your life is there because you made the decision to make it that way. You can blame someone else, you can blame your childhood, you can blame your genetics, but you made the choice. Therefore, you can make the positive choices as well. Unfortunately for James, his choices are already made for him.

So the next time your having a bad day, take a look around, just maybe you will see James, staring out the car window, wondering what it would be like to have all those gifts and what it would be like to have all those choices. Then, as you look into his eyes, make a commitment to use your God given gifts to the best of your ability, and as you make that commitment, smile, wave and say "I'll Do It For James".

Committed To Success

2006-12-24T23:42:00.000-03:30

"He conquers who endures." - Persius

Her smile, that was the first thing that struck me. She seemed so happy to see me. It was like I had something to give her. She opened the door of my taxi as if she knew me, and she was glad to see me again. She didn't have any luggage, just a box with no cover on it, but you could tell it was her clothes. She gently laid the box and a small backpack on the back seat of my car and as she settled in the front seat she said "I hope you can help me, I don't exactly know where I am supposed to go."

What I am about to tell you did happen. While I was working this past Friday night, December 22, 2006, I was dispatched to the Student Centre at Memorial University for a fare. When I got there, this young lady, 25-26 years old was waiting for me. It had been an hour since she had gotten off the DRL bus and because the Student Centre was closed for the holidays and she couldn't get her cellphone to work, she had to wait for someone to pass by before she could call a cab. She told me she wasn't certain where she was supposed to be going, it was the Detox Centre she said, they know I am coming. I told her it sounded like the Recovery Centre, she was okay with that and we were on our way.

During our short trip she told me she was a student at the Community College in Stephenville. She was training to be a cook and so far she was doing quite well, with a 95 average. She then told me that she was an alcoholic and she had been since her early teens. "I don't want to go home for Christmas" she said, "I really want to finish my program and become a cook, and if I go home I am afraid that I might drink again. I didn't want to come all the way across the province to St. John's, but the folks at the College didn't want me to be alone on Campus for the holidays. So it is better for me to come here and be with strangers than to go home and risk losing all that I have gained". All of this was related to me with a smile. She seemed so content with her lot in life and whatever it took to succeed, she was going to do it. When we got to the Recovery Centre, I told her that before she took her things out of the car, to ring the doorbell and make sure they have a spot for you. She spoke to the girl at the door and with a huge smile on her face she came bounding down over the steps to tell me "they were waiting for me, they knew I was coming."

If my commitment to my recovery could only be that strong. I try harder than before, but I have a feeling that if I had been in her shoes, I would have went home and taken the risk. For most addicts that is the problem. We want it to be easy. We want the quick fix. We want everybody to love us, forgive us and reward us. It took years to destroy our lives and it will take years to repair our lives. Along the way we are going to have to make some very tough choices. Choices that over the long haul will make us stronger, but in the short-term they will be very difficult. Having said that, I think that deciding not to go home for Christmas and be with your family and friends, that is a choice that very few of us could make.

Here I am, sitting in the comfort of my home on Christmas Eve, thankful for everything I have in my life. I can't help but think that just a few miles away, a young girl is lying on her pillow, thankful for everything she has in her life. How do I know? Her smile told me so.

Merry Christmas little girl, what a great cook your going to be!!!!!!!!!

The People Who Love Us

2006-12-21T12:57:00.000-03:30

"Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end." - Author Unknown

Can you hear it? Their voice that is. The sound of fear and apprehension as they try and form the words that they are afraid to speak. Did you take the money out of my account? Is the mortgage paid? Where is your cheque? Do we have enough money for groceries? Questions they ask out of fear and answers that they really don't want to hear. But they ask us and we awkwardly search for the appropriate lie. As we relate another half-hearted story their stomach churns and a sickly feeling overcomes them. Why? How? Will this ever end? Can I take anymore? What are we going to do for Christmas?

I can still hear my wife's voice. In a way it haunts me. I can still see her face. Dispair, fear, loss of hope, confusion, anger, but beneath it all, there was always love. Why? How? Will it ever end? Can I abuse it anymore? What is she going to do for Christmas? The people who love us, the addict that is, love us because they know a different person than the addict. They love us because they know deep down there is a great deal of good inside each one of us. They love us because they live with a hope that we will find our former lives and one day the real husband, the real wife, the real father, the real mother, the real son, the real daughter, the real friend, will come home to stay.

Today, in Newfoundland & Labrador, in Canada and around the world, what I have just written is taking place. An addict is coming home, a loved one is fearing the worst and a lie is being told. Christmas, and everything it represents is left in the balance. But they still love us. My life is so rich today because of my wife, my children and a few very dedicated friends, that my heart weeps for those reaching out for help and unable to find it. We focus all our energies on the addict. The suffering, however extends far beyond the gambler, or the alcoholic or the needle pusher. The suffering extends to our spouses, our children, our parents and our friends. When the statistics are being done, all of these people are being left out of the equation. We need to remember that when the gambler puts that dollar in, many people suffer. When the alcoholic pours that drink, many people suffer. When the drug addict empties that syringe, many people suffer.

Whoever reads this, please do me a personal favour. This Christmas remember them all.

Do You Believe?

2006-12-17T12:56:00.000-03:30

"He who does not know how to believe, should not know." - Antonio Porchia

Do you believe? In what you ask? Yourself, your family, your friends, your abilities, your faith, your future, Santa Claus, your recovery, your thoughts or anything else you deal with on a daily basis. Believing has become the focal point of my recovery. Why? Because my addiction to gambling stole everything that was decent in my life and if I can't believe that my hard work will return me to the person I was, than why bother. Believing in yourself, whether you are recovering from an addiction or just trying to make your way in life, is the first criteria to peace of mind. For me, my ego was my enemy. But when you fail in life, as I have, your ego takes quite a beating and only those who have the courage to accept who they truly are, will survive.

I believe though, that survival is not enough. I deserve better and so does my family. That is why today, I question everything I do. I try to ensure that my motives are correct, my purpose is honest, and that my beliefs are based on facts and not on wishful thinking. I have put every character defect that I have under the microscope. I have tried to be brutally honest with myself, challenging every thought and every conclusion. You may ask why is everything about me? It has to be or I can be of no use to anyone else. I have to fix me first. I have to fix the gambler. I have to take control of my own life, take responsiblity for fixing my defects. The people who have stood by me, encouraged me, supported me and loved me, deserve no less.

Every night when I lay my head on my pillow, I review my failures and my successes for that day, and I thank God for both. I then ask to be able to learn from my failures and be thankful for my progress. When I wake the next morning, I just say a simple thank you for the opportunity to try again. If I add anything else to the mix, it causes me to miss the most important things in life. By simplifying life in this manner, the really important things in this world gain a certain clarity. My gambling addiction has caused me much misery, but today, the benefits of my recovery, are giving me a new happiness, a new lease on life. It is often said that everything in life happens for a reason. For me, without the knowledge of my weaknesses, without my many failures, without the crushing of my ego, I would never experience fully the gifts that are in my life today.

This brings me to Santa Claus. For children, Santa Claus is all about believing. They believe in the reindeer, the elves, the soot in the chimney and the crumbs he leaves on the plate after finishing the cookies. They believe because they trust what we tell them. They believe because of their innocence. We could learn a lot of lessons from our children. As we rush around this Christmas season, cutting people off, cursing and swearing at all the people in our way, and saying we have the Christmas spirit but failing to prove it, we should think of our children. Their belief in a bearded old man, brings a smile to their faces. Our love for them should bring a smile to our faces. We need to find the child inside of us, we need to find the miracle that happens when you believe. Whether you think about that "child" in the manger or that "child" inside of you, believe.

Do You Have A Problem

2006-12-06T12:49:00.000-03:30

"The chains of habit are generally to small to be felt until they become to strong to be broken. - Samuel Johnson

For the most part we all have habitual tendencies. What we eat for breakfast, our favourite restaurant, the way we dress, the way we position ourselves to sleep, the toothpaste we use, and on and on it goes. The reason it is so difficult to make changes in our society is because of our resistance to interrupt our daily rituals. We ask people to cover their garbage and the uproar that follows is similiar to asking people to only eat on weekends. We are so comfortable in the way we do things that any hint of change creates a negative reaction.

So is it any wonder why an addict has such a difficult time quitting their individual vice. Society looks at an addict and says thank God I am not like them. As they are saying this they perform another habitual exercise in their daily life. As a compulsive gambler, I have acknowledged my weaknesses, and the fact that I am powerless over gambling. Any attempt to gamble will send my life into complete disarray. As a smoker, I also acknowledged my weakness, however with willpower and determination, I was able to quit. Today I use that same willpower and determination to stay clean from gambling. I cannot use the word quit when it comes to gambling, I can only say I will not gamble today.

Each day now is an exercise in change for me. I have made an inventory of my weaknesses and each day I work on making myself stronger. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually I try to move myself forward. Some days I fail, some days I take small steps forward, but every day I try. The amazing thing for me is that "change" is good. Changing my weaknesses into strengths enables me to be a little stronger when it comes to my addictions. My recommendation to anyone reading this is to do your own inventory. Take a long, serious and indepth look in the mirror. Seek out those negative habits in your life. If you start working on your weaknesses you will be amazed at your strengths.

Drugs, alcohol, gambling, and smoking are all negative vices and if we cannot abstain from them or control our use of them our lives will become unmanageable. For the addict these are the major vices, however we can also add a host of other traits that cause us both pain and discomfort. To be free from our addiction we need to do more than just quit, we need to change the addict. We need to look deep inside ourselves to find who we really are and who we want to become. I invite each one of you to do the same.

Our Actions

2006-12-03T08:14:00.000-03:30

"The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation or no apology." - Red Auerbach

As I move deeper and deeper into my recovery, my thoughts are becoming more in tune with where I want to go with my life. For reasons beyond my comprehension, my thought process has always been mostly negative, which has lead me to a path of self-distruction. Since my focus has been on trying to change the gambler, as opposed to just trying to quit gambling, I have had steady progress in the development of a positive state of mind. The consequence of this positive state of mind are positive actions.

Before going any further, however, let me make it perfectly clear that this entire process could take the rest of my life. Every day there are challenges to maintaining a positive attitude. Also, you need to consider the fact that my inner most thoughts were developed over a forty plus year period, so changing the person is far more complicated than just saying it is what you want to achieve. I believe that my actions are my responsibility. I believe that my thoughts are also under my control and I can choose to act on them if I wish. The problem that I have is with the actions of others and my response to those actions.

For me to be successful in my abstinence from gambling, I need to maintain a positive attitude and I need to be around people who say what they are doing and do what they are saying. The first goal, of maintaining a positive attitude at all times, is paramount to my abstinence. Everyone can appreciate the fact that when we are in a positive state of mind we are able to move our lives forward in the same positive state. In achieving this goal, my actions will be positive as well. This will benefit not only myself personally, but also my family, my friends and everyone else I encounter on a daily basis.

The second part of this equation is not as simple. Why? Because, just as my actions are a result of my mindset, others people's actions are a result of their mindset. Control of other people's actions is in their hands, not in mine, so therefore I need to be very keen when dealing with other people. I cannot let other people define who I am. I cannot let other people's actions, no matter how inconsiderate they are, control my mindset. The biggest error, however, would be to allow other people's actions to move me away from where it is I want to go in the future. Based on this fact, I have some very important decisions to make about my future. I need to surround myself with like-minded people, whose ultimate goal in life is to improve the quality of their own actions, so as to positively impact on the people that surround them. I believe that it is only by doing this that we can help both ourselves and the people we want to reach out to in our daily affairs.

Spirituality

2006-11-20T23:32:00.000-03:30

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." - Martin Luther King Jr.

Where does Faith stand in an addictive person's life? Does Spirituality need to be a part of the rebuilding stage in a person's life? Is there a difference between Spirituality and Religion? While there is no way that I can answer these questions in a general all inclusive manner, I can address how each has affected my life. You are permitted to disagree, you are even permitted to laugh a little to yourself, but please never doubt the impact that faith and spirituality has had on my life.

Faith is what got me to Gambler's Anonymous. Faith helped me climb that stairs to my first meeting. Faith brought me back to Gambler's Anonymous each time that I failed. Faith kept me from driving my car into the pond that night. Faith helped me admit that I was powerless over my life. For me, had it not been for my belief that there had to be a better way, maybe I wouldn't be writing in this blog tonight. Was it easy? Never. Did I have my doubts? Always. But my faith in a Higher Power, my constant belief that there was someone there to help me, was the first step in placing me where I am today. My recovery is where it is today because I believe.

Spirituality took over when I finally admitted that I couldn't do this anymore. When I finally said that I wanted to quit, for real, when I finally embraced the program that Gambler's Anonymous offered, that is when spirituality took over. When I realized just how weak I was when it came to gambling, when I realized that I needed help, when I finally had the courage to ask for help, that is when my life began to change. By the way, change didn't take place overnight. There was nothing magical about it. There were no flashing lights or claps of thunder. There was a lot of hard work. There are a lot of sleepless nights. There were times when I didn't think any good would ever come from this change in direction. But I kept asking for help, I kept working hard on the areas of my life that I needed to change, and while I am not there yet or even close, things are a whole lot better than ever before in my life.

For me, a Religion is something that you are a part of, and Spirituality is something that is a part of you. Many people write on forms, applications, certificates and a whole host of documents what their Religion is. Some people even talk out loud about their particular Religion. Some will criticize their own Religion, others will criticize the other persons Religion, but nowhere does it say that because you are this Religion or that Religion you are spiritual. For me, one has little or nothing to do with the other. My spirituality belongs to me. It is not something for me to advertise or brag about. It is a feeling, a belief that I have that everything is going to be okay. If I work hard, admit to my shortcomings, help those that I can help, be honest with myself and others, and live life today. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never be mine, today is all I have and I will not waste it.

The Child Becomes The Parent

2006-11-15T08:25:00.000-03:30

"Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted." - Paul Peershall

I have thought about this entry for a long time. It is very important that you, the reader, extract from this the real story, the true story. It could be your story. I don't want this to be taken out of context. While I am very proud of my children, this is not about bragging. This is about three young adults, who, using the skill sets that they had developed, together with the love they had for their father, extended that helping hand.

It is December 2004 and once again I am on the run. Still gambling, still lying, still afraid, and in my own mind a complete failure. (As you can see self-pity continues to be a part of my addiction.) To me, it looked very much like I had run out of luck. It was time to pack my bags and move on. But then the phone rang and just has had happened in the past, another miracle began to take place. Starting with my daughter and moving on to my two sons, they each in their own way expressed themselves. They were stern in their comments, but full of love in their offers to help and support me. Another Christmas was saved, however the true extent of their commitment was yet to come.

In January 2005, the effect of several months of gambling came into effect and I was once again in financial trouble. If it were not for the financial assistance of my son, who knows what the next step would have been for me. Between February and July of 2005 I continued to gamble on occasion, however each time it was having a devastating effect on my entire system. By this point in my addiction, sitting in front of those machines was not a place to gamble, but a place to hide. My self-esteem was destroyed, I had manipulated every person who had befriended me, even my family was running out of options.

The crazy thing about all of this was that I really wanted to stop, I really wanted to make a change in my life. In July of 2005 I had just left a club where I had spent the last couple of hours wasting my life away, when my phone rang. My youngest son was on the other end asking if I could come home for a few minutes because he needed to talk to me. What I didn't know was that while I was in the club, my daughter had been in the area and seen my car. When I got to our home, before I could get out of the car, my son came running out of the house saying he would rather speak to me alone. We drove to a nearby parking lot and what happened next will reasonate with me for the rest of my life.

My youngest child, the kid I coached, played hoops in the backyard with, looked at me and asked "Dad are you still gambling?" What happened next was a tremendous outburst of anger, not directed at him, but rather at me. How could one man be so stupid? Here I was surrounded by so much love. He told me again that day, the same thing that my oldest son had told me when he reached out to help me, the same thing that my daughter told me the day I visited her apartment, we love you and we will do anything we can to help you, but you have to help yourself first. That was the last day I gambled.

To my three children and my wife, thank you.

The Past

2006-11-11T23:13:00.000-03:30

"What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now." - Author Unknown

Sorry folks, but I need to deal with this matter before I continue with my story. Once again, my history has come back to haunt me. My life seems to just move along, uneventful for the most part, than out of nowhere something happens to throw me off track. When this happens, instead of dealing with whatever the issue is about, I seem to allow myself to revert back to my old way of thinking. This pattern has repeated itself far to often and if I fail to harness these flare-ups, eventually one of them will cause me to make a few very poor decisions.

Dr. Wayne Dyer uses the following example in teaching you to deal with your personal history. "When a speedboat zooms across the surface of the water, there's a white foamy froth behind it that's called the wake of the boat. The wake is nothing more than the trail that's left behind." He suggests that " the wake of your life is nothing more than a trail that's left behind you." The wake of a boat cannot move the boat forward, anymore than your personal history can move you forward.

What I need to learn, and I guess what we all need to learn, is that our personal history is nothing more than a reference point. This is one of those lessons that can apply to everyone. If we live in the past, or if we live in the future, we lose something very special, we lose the now. I was halfway through my walk today when I realized that I was concentrating so much on my problem, that I was missing out on a beautiful morning.

Today I have allowed myself to learn a very important lesson. My addiction to gambling, by causing such devastation and personal turmoil, can now be used as a positive instead of a negative. By allowing my Higher Power to deal with these flare-ups, I can concentrate on the important things in my life today. By being vigilant in dealing with these fires in the here and now, I can be very pro-active in dealing with the real issues of today. You and I deserve no less.

Fear

2006-11-06T10:01:00.000-03:30

"Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light?" - Maurice Freehill

There is nothing more stupid in life, than a person who knows what is right and what is wrong, who understands the consequences of their decision, and goes ahead and chooses the wrong answer. That is me. For here I am in 2003, in a situation that most sane people would look at as a miracle, and I return to gambling. After everything that had gone on in the past eight years, after just buying a new home in October of 2003, and I celebrate everything that is good in my life by putting even more money in those machines.

Now I rationalized this, as not being such a bad thing, by going for short periods of time and limiting how much I was spending. Of course , we gamblers, we don't take into account the time away from our work and family as a loss. No, if it is not in the shape of money, we don't see the loss. We don't see what it is doing to us on the inside either. We don't see the mental distruction, the continued loss of self-worth or the eventual negative impact on our family. Why? It is either we don't care about ourselves and those we love or it is because we are afraid to take that next step.

From where I am sitting today, I can tell you with absolute certainty, it is fear. It is one thing to stop gambling, but it is a whole new beginning to take that next step and change the person responsible for all those poor decisions. From my experiences in life, and they are many and varied, nearly every person has a fear of change. You disrupt a person's environment, and the bells and whistles start going off. The world as we know it is going to end. For whatever reason, we do not see change as a positive.

Well, if there is one thing about my life that I am going to discover, whether I like it or not, things are going to change. As each day passes, as 2003 moves into 2004, as I become even more involved with my gambling again, as I need help from time to time to put out a fire or two that my gambling is causing, change is going to take place. As my wife and I grow further apart, as my children begin to get frustrated with my inability to control this addiction, as my employer grows impatient with my tardiness, change is going to take place. The decision that I had to make in January of 2000 was extremely difficult, and looking back on it, there is no doubt it saved my life. The decision that I needed to make now though was far more important. Though I wasn't aware of it at the time, my next decision would change my life forever.

If you are out there today and any part of your life is off key, if there is something in your life that you need to quit, take it from me, stopping is not enough. In my next few entries I will begin to relate to you how my life has finally changed. The real story in all of this is not the events that took me through nearly ten years of hell, the real story in all of this began in December of 2004 and involves three very special and unique people. The real story in all of this, is about the power of love, and how three beautiful people saved their father's life. Until we meet again, my name is John, and I am a compulsive gambler.

Happiness Inside the Box

2006-11-02T10:11:00.000-03:30

"It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to." - Annie Gottlier

Looking back on the period of time from July 2000 to July 2003 it seems like a blur, but what happened during that time is indicative of what happens to most addicts. Remember, I quit gambling prior to my losing my job, in the hope of making things right. Today, however, I believe that maybe the reason for my quitting was because I ran out of ways to get money. After June of 2000, when my wife knew about my legal problems and we had moved our family to St. John's, everything inside of me basicly shut down.

The next thirty-six months I existed. I built a wonderful little box around myself, set the rules for who would be allowed in and convinced myself that I was right. Instead of changing my life and trying to rebuild my life, I put up walls. After the legal matters were dealt with, I became a person that few people would be able to live with. A few words to describe my personality could be, arrogant, ignorant, self-absorbed, angry, embarrassed, lonely, aloof, selfish, tormented, and I could keep going. Why? Because I was doing things right for the first time in my life, or so I thought, and nobody was appreciating my commitment. Once again everything was about me.

There were a few times when I tried to open up a little, but this only happened when my territory was challenged. I tried coaching again, but I didn't enjoy it like before. Every now and then I would try to appease my wife by going house hunting or taking her out for a night. What I didn't realize was that she was moving on with her life. She had enough of the self-pity and poor me attitude. I had isolated not only myself but her as well. Before this period of time, the thought of losing my wife would cause panic, but now I could rationalize that maybe it would be the best for all concerned.

Without dragging out this part of my story any further, the point is I didn't want to quit, I was forced to quit. I had rationalized everything to the point where I was the victim. I didn't really care what was going on in other people's lives, just leave me alone inside my box and let me live my life. Of course you know what happened next. After losing my business, losing my home, losing my job, bankruptcy, legal problems, suicide attempt and everything else that these machines had done to my life - I started gambling again. I returned to the only place in the world where I was truly comfortable, sitting in front of my favourite machine and asking it not to be to mean to me. Why? Because my name is John and I am a compulsive gambler and I had done absolutely nothing to change that fact.

Life's Purpose

2006-10-30T08:42:00.000-03:30

"When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind." - Seneca

Is there such a thing? Are we suppose to have one? A purpose that is, or is having a purpose in life, just another ideal that someone thought up. Or maybe my purpose was to smoke, gamble, lie, cheat, seek forgiveness and do it all over again. Now there is a diatribe of negativity if you ever heard one. How can you ever move forward with this kind of garbage going through your mind. That is what this past week has been like. That is why there has been a break in my blog writing. No motivation, and a bountiful dose of negativity.

Everything was going so great and all of a sudden I hit this rut in the road. I read once, that the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Anyway, I had this plan to reach out and share my story with other people, with the intent of helping them. Of course, there would be a fee to cover expenses and for me to make an income. I have a very good friend, who has been involved with an addiction for over 16 years. His opinions are very important to me. This past week, we were talking about another person who was doing a smiliar thing, using his experience with drugs to help others, and my good friend did not agree. He had two main reasons, and he was adamant in both of them. One, something that you received for free, you are now going to charge for, the benefits I received from Gambler's Anonymous. Two, if while you are out spreading your story, you have a slip, this would send a very bad message about the Program.

So here I was, sitting in my taxi, and the disempowering thoughts started to flow freely. For example - "I told you it was foolish to quit. You knew this was not going to work. You could gamble once a week and control it that way. You are what you are, and no matter how hard you try, nothing is going to change that." Next question, what is my next step?

After some aggressive soul searching, a good dose of arse kicking, and an honest look at this past year, it was easy to see what I needed to do, Try Harder. If at first you don't succeed, try and try again. Looking back on it, I have had a great year. Maybe, I want things to happen to quickly. To tell you the truth, I need to believe that I know what harbor I am making for, and I need to believe that I have the right wind. To think any differently, is almost like admitting defeat. The moral of the story is that this is what living with an addiction is all about. Concentrate on winning the battles and not on winning the war. I will continue my story in my next entry, for now, my name is John and I am a compulsive gambler.

Truth

2006-10-26T10:37:00.001-02:30

"The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable." - Jim Davis

As you can tell from my recent postings, truth or honesty, which ever you wish to call it, was a hard nut to crack for me. When faced with the decision to tell the truth to my employer, after great soul searching, I was able to do it. In return I had a tremendous weight lifted from my shoulders. However, my new found honesty could not take me all the way. Whichever way we look at it, for most people, we associate truth with pain. For me to go all the way and tell my wife and children the truth, I just couldn't do it. Why? Because I thought I would lose them, and for me, this was too much pain. The way I saw it, I had to deal with the pain of my illegal activity, anymore pain at that time, would have been more than I could bear. Or so I thought.

Notice whose pain I didn't think about. I didn't think about my wife's pain, or my children's pain, or my parent's pain, or my friend's pain. No, my pain was more important. That is what happens to most of us in life. We believe that by telling the truth, or by being honest with ourselves, we will create to much pain for ourselves and for those closest to us. We continue to tell ourselves whatever makes us content, not happy, but content. My gambling is not a problem. I don't drink too much. It is okay to smoke a joint as long as I don't try anything harder. Smoking cigarettes really doesn't cause cancer. I don't need to lose weight, I am perfectly healthy the way I am. The list can go on and on. We don't care who else we are hurting as long as our pain is not too great.

As a compulsive gambler, if there is one lesson that I have learned, it is that there is no place in my life for lies and deceit. Being honest with yourself, first, and truthful with those that you love, second, is what makes your life complete. You never have to remember the truth. You will always be able to look in the mirror. It turns out, that when I finally told my wife about my legal problems and how I really lost my job, the world did not end. Was she hurt, without a doubt. Did she leave me, no. Did we go through another difficult time, for sure. But everything that I created in my mind just did not happen.

Earlier, I wrote that we don't care who else we are hurting. The truth is, the person we are hurting the most is ourselves. You see if everyone in our lives deserted us and we were left to make it on our own, as long as we were honest with ourselves, we can make it. The reality, however, is that when we are honest with ourselves, we are automaticly honest with other people. In turn, that endears people to us instead of away from us. Go figure.

Life is tough and the circumstances that we have to deal with on a daily basis sometimes make it tougher than we would like it to be. But if at the end of the day, we can look at ourselves in the mirror, knowing that we did our best, that we were honest with not only ourselves, but with those that we encountered throughout the day, life will be good. When I compare today with yesterday, I realize by contrast, what great benefits and blessings I have today. My name is John, and to tell you the truth, I am a compulsive gambler.

Rationalization - Another Enemy

2006-10-23T23:17:00.001-02:30

"In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Without going into a great deal of detail about my legal problems, let me say that I lost my job and I cooperated totally with my employer and the legal system. To a small degree , this problem is still with me today and I live with that consequence. If anyone would like further information, ask me personally and I will fill in the blanks.

Now, what I am going to tell you next is a far greater story, because it illustrates the mind of an addict, or should I say, this addict. Here I am sitting in my home, I have lost my job, I have a legal problem to deal with, I have no money and no means to make any, so what do I do, I lie to my family. I tell my family that because my sales figures were not meeting the company targets, they got rid of me. I told them that I felt the writing was on the wall for a long time. Now if you feel you know what stress is, come live in those shoes for a period of time.

Everytime in my life, not just in my gambling life, everytime I was faced with a serious situation, I could rationalize in my own mind what was best for everyone involved. My deepest fears could motivate me to do the insane. Looking back, it is a wonder I could even breathe, but the funny thing is, if you tell something often enough it becomes the truth for you. I was so proud of the fact that I was going to Gamblers Anonymous. I was so proud that I sent that e-mail and cooperated fully with everyone involved. But my honesty could not go all the way, I had to lie to my family. I had to lie to the very people that had supported me to this point in my addiction.

This all happened in January of 2000. In February of 2000, I saw an ad in the telegram looking for taxi drivers. I called and found out the information I needed, talked to my wife about it and within a few days I was driving a taxi in St. John's and commuting to and from Carbonear. The only truly positive thing about this turn of events was that at least I could start contributing to my families finances again, even if it was only a small contribution. By this time though, there was a fracture in our family. Our kids were living apart, one in St. John's and two in Carbonear. Even when my wife and daughter went to Carbonear on the weekends, I took this opportunity to drive a cab. While my wife and I were still living together, the constant strain of my addiction had taken its tole.

Many people may see this idea of rationalization as a minor point in what I have written to date. But you need to see what rationalization is all about. It is about self-love. This is what I read in my Gamblers Anonymous book "One Day at a Time" for October 21, 2006. "Self-love is a reflection of an inflated ego, around which - in our distorted view of our own self-importance - everthing must revolve. Self-love is the breeding ground for hostility, arrogance, and a host of other character defects that blind us to any points of view but our own. Love of self, in contrast, is an appreciation of our dignity and value as human beings. Love of self is an expression of self-realization, from which springs humility." Admitting to these character defects, goes a long way in solving our problems. Once again, my name is John and I am a compulsive gambler.

Morning

2006-10-22T09:10:00.000-02:30

"He changes sunset into sunrise." - Clement of Alexandria

Before I continue with my story, there is something in my life now that has come about since my recovery started that I would like to share with you. No matter what your situation is today, no matter your trouble, if you complete this little exercise everyday, you will find your life improving. As well, the more you dare to expand this exercise the more peace will come into your life.

What am I talking about? I am talking about those first few moments when you open your eyes in the morning. That first thought that enters your sleepy mind. If you prepare yourself properly, those moments can be the most exciting and promising thoughts of your day. How do you prepare? Just before you go to sleep, no matter what kind of day you have had, remind yourself that IF you wake to another day, it will be a day that you will not waste. I say IF, because one of the main problems that we have is the certainty that we live with everyday. We constantly believe that tomorrow will arrive and because of this we don't live Today.

When I started this at first, I would wake in the morning and very quickly say thank you, unsure of exactly what I was thankful for. Now, however when I wake, my first thought is how happy I am that I have another opportunity to experience all the wonderful things in my life. I am thankful for the fact that I can see, taste, smell, hear and touch. I am thankful for the opportunity to spend another day with my wife, my children and my friends. I am thankful, that in a few minutes I will get to hold my granddaughter. Morning is such a beautiful time. No matter what I failed at yesterday, it is now behind me. Today I will try harder.

If you really want to expand this time in your life, go for a walk. Hear the birds and smell the morning air. Watch and see people as they head out to start their day and wish them well, even if it is in the silence of your mind. Look ahead at your day, think about any challenges that may be waiting for you. Look inside yourself for honesty and truth. Ensure that you are not rationalizing something for your own benefit. There is no problem, no matter how great it is, that approached with honesty, optimism, desire and hard work, that cannot be overcome. And folks, I am living proof of this fact. But, the real secret is in believing that you CAN. Good Morning and have a Great Day!!!!!!!!!

Do the Right Thing, Press Send - Part 2

2006-10-19T10:40:00.000-02:30

"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people. - Anonymous

It is remarkable in life how sometimes you can't remember the simplest little thing, but certain events, no matter how involved they are, you remember every little detail. On that faithful Sunday, after my boys went to bed, I sat at my computer and prepared an e-mail for the manager of Newfoundland operations, the same gentleman who had called me on Friday. Over the course of several hours, I researched and detailed the four files that I had manipulated during my tenure with the company.

Once the e-mail was complete, I can remember sitting there reading it, over and over again. The silence in the room was deafening. I had never felt so alone before in my life. I knew that if I hit the send button, my life as I knew it was over. My best estimate was the loss of my wife and children, an emotional minefield for my Mom, who was sick at the time, no idea what to expect from my family and the likelihood of legal action. How could a machine, with cherries, plums, oranges and bells create this much devastation for one individual? How could an intelligent human being, with a good job, a beautiful family and his health and strength be so stupid? I knew what I had to do. I had to send this e-mail. But the coward in me just wouldn't let me press that button.

It is 7:00am, I haven't closed my eyes. I have to get the boys up for school in a few minutes. I stand outside by the corner of the house looking out at Carbonear harbour. The sun is just poking its nose over the horizon. It is pretty cold, but nothing seems to bother me. It is like I have no feeling whatsoever. What would this day bring? I look out through the living room window as my two sons get on the school bus. I can't help but wonder what they will think of their Dad when they find out what I have done. What kind of an impact will this have on my daughter? I have to say the tears flowed freely that morning and as 9:00am approached I knew I had to make a decision. What I will relate to you now, has been my secret for the past six years. I tell it in the hope that someone reading this blog and needing to make a life altering decision will find the strength to do so.

After the boys left, I went upstairs to my bedroom. I found our family Bible and just started to randomly read different chapters. I asked my Higher Power for the strength and courage to send that e-mail. I asked for the blessing of my wife, children and family during what I was sure would be a very difficult time. I asked for my faith to be strong and that the hope for a better tomorrow be my guiding light. At approximately 10:00am on that Monday morning in January of 2000, I hit the send button, believing that nothing could ever be as bad as the last five years of my life. Whoever thought that honesty could feel this good.

Do the Right Thing, Press Send - Part 1

2006-10-17T11:02:00.000-02:30

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." - Carl Jung

It is January 2000, my plan of making everything okay again is moving along, very slowly. I continue to remain gamble free and I continue to attend my Gamblers Anonymous meetings. Because of what I have created throughout my addiction, it could take me years to make everything right. I don't see it that way. I continue to operate as if I had done nothing wrong. Then, around the third week of January, on a Thursday afternoon, the phone rings. The voice on the other end exchanged some chit chat with me and then she asked the question.

I wasn't prepared for what she asked me. I stumbled over my words. My whole body went numb. To tell you the truth I thought I was going to pass out. I told her a lie, she accepted my answer and said good-bye. The next two hours were like an eternity. My life flashed in front of my eyes again and again, each time more vivid than before. Reality had hit home, the jig was up. All of a sudden I realized that my two sons were at basketball practice and I had to pick them up. The rest of that evening was basicly a blur.

I didn't sleep that night. I tried, but every time I closed my eyes I saw a disappointed face. One time my wife, the next time my mom, than my oldest son, than my boss, next some other member of my family. I cried, I smoked and than I cried some more. An awful lot of self-pity of course. The question that I was asked on the phone was about a certain file that I had manipulated. By morning, when my two sons went to school, I was in full repair mode. Maybe if I done this, or maybe if I said that, or maybe she accepted my answer and everything will be okay. Around 1:00pm that dream came crashing down to earth.

The phone rang again and I nearly got sick to my stomach. It was the Manager for Newfoundland operations. He asked me a couple of questions, I lied to him as well, than he said good-bye. I waited for my sons to come home from school and than I watched the clock. When 5:00pm arrived, I let out a cautious sigh of relief. It was Friday, so I knew that not much else could happen until Monday morning. My wife and daughter came home for the weekend and for the most part it was an okay weekend. I didn't sleep much and everytime I was alone my thoughts were on the problem that was sitting there, just waiting for Monday to arrive.

I thought about telling my wife, but I told myself that at this point in time, it would only complicate matters. Looking back, the truth is I didn't have the courage to tell her. Sunday evening came, my wife and daughter went back to St. John's, the time came for my sons to go to bed and than it started - the longest night of my life.

One Person's Courage

2006-10-15T21:28:00.000-02:30

"There are no mistakes, save one; the failure to learn from your mistakes." - Robert Fripp

It is now the fall of 1999, my wife and daughter are living in an apartment in St. John's during the week and coming home on the weekends. My two sons and I are living in Carbonear and waiting until June of 2000 to make the move to the city. Everything in my life is upside down, but somehow deep inside of me I believe that I can make things okay. Without going into detail let me say that there has been a situation developing over the course of about eighteen months involving illegal activity on my part and I have myself convinced that I can make it right.

Early November, for reasons that I still don't know, I decided to quit gambling and return to Gamblers Anonymous. In my mind I have everything rationalized to the point where my plan is to rededicate myself to my work and my family and within a short period of time things can be put back in order. The difference between developing a plan in your mind and making that plan a reality can sometimes be a little overwhelming. It becomes even more difficult when your job pays you a straight commission and the amount of money you need is in the thousands. You know, as I look back at it now, no one could accuse me of not making lofty goals.

When you are the center of your own attention you fail to see the tremendous sacrifice that other people are making. For the months of November and December 1999 even though I hadn't gambled I wasn't able to generate much income either. Christmas was right around the corner and I had no idea how we were going to make it happen for our family. We had an apartment in St. John's and a house in Carbonear to pay for. We had two phone bills, two power bills, a car payment, insurance, groceries and a few things that I am probably forgetting. I really can't remember what kind of a contribution I made to our family finances during that two month period, if any at all. I had no idea what my wife was doing to get ready for Christmas either.

During my involvement with VLTs there were certain events that stick out in your mind. Christmas Eve, 2000 is definitely one of those times. Shortly after our kids went to bed, my wife and I started the tradition of gathering up the gifts and preparing for Santa's arrival. As my wife started to place the gifts in the living room and sort them for each of our children, I couldn't help but look on in amazement. How did she do it? How was she able to make a Christmas for our family by herself? When I commented to her about what she had achieved, a tear came to her eye. I had always known the strength of my wife, but I have to say that never before had I seen such courage in the face of adversity. This lady had created Christmas out of very little. She done it alone. She knew of my battles and she was going to keep fighting for this family as long as she could possibly do it.

My wife will tell you to this day that I believe that God understands your weaknesses and to make up for this he gives you someone to help you cope. It is no fluke that I married this very special person, she was given to me as a gift from God and I thank him for her everyday.

Escape Route

2006-10-13T12:32:00.001-02:30

"God does not command that we do great things, only little things with great love." - Mother Teresa

I apologize to those of you who are waiting for me to continue with my story, but this has been one heck of a week. Everytime I think my life is moving forward something else jumps up and frightens me. Yesterday, my regular check-up with my family Doctor took place. Just routine stuff, go over my blood work, discuss my general health and what is going on in my life. Of course my Doctor is aware of my gambling addiction and as always he inquires as to how I am doing with this part of my life. I tell him about my great plans, how excited I am and what my future plans are. He seems to be excited for me as well, but then he drops the Bombshell!!!!!!

What is your "escape route" he asks very calmly. I don't have one, I don't need one and I don't want one. For me an escape route is a way of allowing a very tiny part of your brain to say "you know it is okay if you have one little slip." For me, with the changes that have occurred in my life, a visit to a VLT would be a tremendous set back. Guess what, he answers with the following "this is exactly why you need an escape route." We argue for a number of minutes about this fact and then he relates a story to me about someone he knew. This person was just as excited about their future as I am, but one day he slipped and because he lacked an escape route, he took his life.

You know folks, I don't need this crap right now, but seeing as God gave me some intelligence, I understand it. From where I sit this is how things look. Everyone who has been involved in my life for the past 50 years has formed a picture of who and what I am in their mind. Good or bad, they have a picture, complete with colour and graphics that comes to mind when they hear my name. Whether it is my Dad, my brothers and sisters, my wife, my children, my friends, my previous friends and aquaintenances, or anyone else that I have had contact with in the past 50 years, except for one person.

The last time I gambled was in July of 2005, the last time I smoked was in August of 2005. On September 10, 2005 my granddaughter was born. The way I see it, she will never know a Poppy who gambled and she will never know a Poppy who smoked. She will know a totally different person than even my children know. She is my sunshine, she is my new beginning. She represents, not just the purity of herself, but my purity as well.

So Doctor, I have built the box that I reside in today, the question is, do I need a window??????

20 Questions

2006-10-12T11:51:00.000-02:30

"It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself." - Thomas Paine

For those of us who have admitted that we are no longer able to control our gambling the 20 questions serve as a reminder of how out of control our lives were. For those of you who are unsure of where you stand when it comes to gambling the 20 questions are a benchmark that you can judge yourself by. The first time I heard these questions and I heard myself answer them, I couldn't believe the impact that gambling was having on my life. Denial was the route that I chose and because of that my misery continued for quite some time.

Most compulsive gamblers answer YES to at least Seven of these questions. My answers are in brackets.
1) Did you ever lose time from work due to gambling? (yes)
2) Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy? (yes)
3) Did gambling affect your reputation? (yes)
4) Have you ever felt remorse after gambling? (yes)
5) Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties? (yes)
6) Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency? (yes)
7) After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses? (yes)
8) After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more? (yes)
9) Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone? (yes)
10) Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling? (yes)
11) Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling? (yes)
12) Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures? (yes)
13) Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself and your family? (yes)
14) Did you ever gamble longer than you planned? (yes)
15) Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble? (yes)
16) Have you ever committed, or considered committing an illegal act to finance gambling? (yes)
17) Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping? (yes)
18) Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble? (yes)
19) Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling? (yes)
20) Have you ever considered self destruction as a result of your gambling? (yes)

As a footnote you could easily substitute drugs or alcohol in any of these questions. As the remainder of my story unfolds you will continue to see and more than likely find an increase in the usage of words such as - responsibility, choice, adjustment, forgiveness, realization, accountability, peace, love and hope. My life today is not about my past, it is about my future, however I will continue to use my past as my motivation for a better life. You can do the same. You are where you are at this very moment because you choose to be.

Loneliness

2006-10-11T10:48:00.000-02:30

"Loneliness, the clearest of crystal insight in to your own soul, its the fear of one's self that haunts the lonely." - Keith Haynie

Because of something that happened in the past twenty-four hours I need to change course for this entry. If you are reading this and you are addicted to any of the vices that are out there, gambling, drugs. alcohol, cigarettes, or if you are the loved one of an addict, you need to be aware of the part that loneliness plays in the lives of an addict.

There is no greater fear than that of being alone. Even though I spent most days sitting in front of a machine not wanting to be disurbed by anyone or anything, I was truly afraid of being alone. Because of the way you lead your life as an addict, at any moment the people you love most in your life can leave you. Sometimes, even when you are still living with them you get that feeling that you are actually on your own. To tell you the truth, the times that I felt most alone were when I was with a crowd of people.

You understand where you are at, the trouble you are in and why you are in such turmoil. The person next to you does not understand and will never understand. Add to this the feeling of dispair, of total loss and maybe you can begin to understand the tremendous effect that an addiction can have on your entire system. For those who want to get help or for those who want to help, the answer is the same - be open.

To the addict, be open with the people you love and who love you. Be open with the professionals who are trying to help you. Be open to suggestions, offers of support, or even a shoulder to cry on. Let me tell you, I have shed many a tear in the last ten years.

To the person who wants to help, be open to really listening to what this person is telling you. Be open, do not become the judge and jury. The last thing that a person who is depressed and lonely needs is someone to judge them. Be open to just waiting for the person to ask for help and then do what you can for them. You may be hurting as well so it is very important that you keep your feelings separate and get some help for yourself as well.

Finally, as I work my way through the sea of emotions that I experience on a daily basis, as a compulsive gambler, who has been clean now for quite some time, I need to be totally aware of the times now when loneliness befalls me. I really felt that this was behind me, but like every other part of this addiction, nothing is ever behind you. I will always be a compulsive gambler, and that I accept.

The Face in the Mirror

2006-10-09T20:23:00.001-02:30

"The most important of life's battles is the one we fight daily in the silent chambers of the soul." - David O. McKay

When the VLT's are finished taking your money, when your lies can't convince people anymore, when the only person you have left to talk to is yourself, the stark reality to a gambler is the addiction has won. The inner pain is numbing, stress won't let you sleep, your financial losses are insurmountable and you feel like you are a burden to everyone you know. Your mind is constricted to the point where self-hatred, rejection and hopelessness are the only feelings in an otherwise empty vessel.

As your mind flips from face to face, your wife, your children, your Mom & Dad, your brothers and sisters, your friends and co-workers, how can you look at any of them anymore. You know they don't trust you, you know they don't believe the words coming from your mouth and you know that saying you will quit just doesn't cut it anymore. The solution, if you are the problem - take care of the problem.

That is how that faithful day in early 1999 unfolded. First I gambled and lost, then I evaluated my options, then shortly after 6:00 pm I left my home and drove to the side of the pond. There I sat, car in drive, ready to solve the problem. It would be impossible for me to tell you today exactly what went through my mind during that first hour, but I can remember coming to the realization that I had been in a stationary position for quite a long time. What was I doing? Who was I hurting? Did I have the courage to actually take my own life? What would my children say? What would happen to my Mom? Question after question kept coming into my mind, each one without an answer. Another hour passed only this time there was a real doubt in my mind.

I firmly believe that what happened next saved my life. A Higher Power intervened and asked me the really tough questions. Who are you really afraid of looking at? Is this choice your about to make really going to solve your families problems or is it just going to solve yours? Is this how you want to be remembered? The gambler who quit, or the man who stood up and faced the music, whatever that would entail. After what seemed an eternity, I gently put the car in reverse and made a decision that I will never regret.

Unfortunately, suicide is an option that far to many addicts choose. For whatever reason, I was one of the lucky ones. If you or someone you know may be close to making this choice, remember there are always other options. My problems did not end that day, as a matter of fact they got worse, but a good friend of mine once told me, the hour before sunrise is always the darkest. At least this way I can deal with it.

Next up - those twenty questions.

An Average Day for a Gambler

2006-10-08T11:24:00.000-02:30

"There is just one life for each of us: our own." - Euripides

One thing about being a gambler you are never bored. By 1998 everything in my life was upside down, but there were still positives. My daughter graduated from High School in June of 1998 with an average that gained her an entrance scholarship to Memorial. My sons were doing very well academicly and because of their involvment in various sports they seemed to be enjoying their teenage years. By the fall of 1998 my wife and I were discussing making a permanent move to St. John's due to the fact that in a few years all three of our children would be attending Memorial.

What I am going to relate to you now may give you some idea of how a gambler thinks. Everything for a gambler is about self-preservation. From the moment I awoke in the morning my mind was working on two things - first did I have any money to gamble and if not where could I get money - second, how long before I could get in front of a machine. The moment that my family left for work and school, the following happened. First I had to shower and put on my suit because of course I wouldn't gamble all day, I would have to do some work. (Yeah right) Then, if I had money, within an hour I would be sitting on my favourite chair in front of my favourite machine. Oh yes, we gamblers had our favourite spots and we would be upset if someone was playing "our" machine. Now, if I didn't have money, then I had to get creative. Because of the damage that this part of the addiction caused me in all facets of my life, I am not going to detail the many ways that I got money to gamble. However, let me say that many, many people were hurt by my actions and I take full responsilbilty for their pain. While I have said this before - my deepest apologies to my wife and my three children - you deserved better.

While this tells the story of the main portion of my day , the remaining hours were the most stressful. You see sitting in front of a machine was the only place where a gambler could be at ease, that is until you started to run out of money or the moment you had to leave started to arrive. Once I left that machine, now I had to start covering my tracks. This involved remembering the lies you told earlier, making up stories to account for your day, checking the mail in case a damaging piece of information had arrived and trying to smile and seem happy when your entire system was telling you something totally different. I am exhausted just relating this to you. Oh the lies, definitely the most debilitating part of the addiction.

It is 7:00am and I am outside puffing on a cigarette. The clouds overhead are darker than I can ever remember. Today, I have to make a decision that will impact my life forever.

We Lose Our Home

2006-10-07T12:26:00.002-02:30

"Nothing is, unless our thinking makes it so." - William Shakespeare

By early 1997, the gambling was full blown again. Looking back on this particular year, I can see now just how deeply infected we get with the gambling virus. At one point in our lives we were for the most part normal human beings, living life day to day, enjoying our families, our friends and dealing with the everyday challenges that life offers up. When gambling becomes the primary focus of our life, a once responsible individual, becomes so focused on himself that he can hurt the people he loves the most without regard for their feelings.

For the first half of 1997 my life consisted of gambling, telling lies and finding money to gamble some more. Everytime that I gambled, this was going to be the time that I would start winning enough to pay off my debts and make everything wonderful again. The ironic twist was that every day that I lost, that was the day that I would swear I would gamble no more.

By mid 1997 it became very clear that we would lose our home and once again I made a commitment to my wife and family that this would be the end of my gambling. We moved out of our home in the fall of 1997 and rented a house in Carbonear. (If you put yourself in my wife's shoes, can you imagine how she felt the day she had to walk away from her home. She had done nothing wrong, except to continue to live with a gambler.)

It was around this same time that we declared personal bankruptcy, because we believed this would give us an opportunity to start over again. I went back to Gamblers Anonymous meetings and started to seek professional help again. My life however, was in a full downward spiral and at the time I didn't have the tools to deal with anything. While I was going through the motions of seeking help and I was admitting for the first time that I was a compulsive gambler, everything was on the surface, there was nothing penetrating my inner soul.

I didn't know it at the time, but life was about to get a lot worse.

My Family

2006-10-05T09:23:00.001-02:30

"Don't ask for a light load - but rather ask for a strong back." - Anonymous

Before I go any further into where my addiction took me next, I would like to talk about my family. If you are suffering with an addiction today there is one thing you should get very clear in your mind - your family is it. They will be the one's to catch you when you fall, they will support you in your most desperate moments. But they will only do it for so long and then they will need to move on with their lives. As addicts we might feel that they have abandoned us, but nothing could be further from the truth. They are trying to survive and while they still love you, they need to look after themselves as well.

My wife though small in stature has a heart as big as the world. Looking back at what she had to live with, the embarrassment, the loss of her home, the loneliness, how could she have stayed for so long. She tells me today that she knew about the good that was inside of me and she believed that in time it would shine through. If your loved one is supporting you today, hug them as often as you can and say thank you twice as much.

My children have a great number of their mother's qualities as well. When I started gambling they were 14, 12, & 10. They were aware of the turmoil I was causing. As they got older they became even more in tune with the devastation that my habit was causing, however at all times they stood by my side. I have ben very lucky in that my children have ben very frank with me when discussing my addiction. They show me strength, courage, love and a belief in me as a person and as their father.

As this story unfolds you will continue to see the role that my wife and my children played in my recovery.

Gamblers Anonymous (the first step)

2006-10-04T11:41:00.000-02:30

"Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create that fact" - William James

Shortly after losing my business I gained employment with a national company selling various financial products. Gambling , however continued to be a part of my daily schedule. Around mid 1996 we got a call from our bank that our mortgage was in arrears and this was the green light that my wife needed to attack my gambling habit. In an attempt to make everything right I agreed to stop gambling, seek professional help and start attending Gamblers Anonymous meetings.

I will never forget the first night I climbed those stairs to attend my first meeting. Without getting into the contents of the meeting, it was clear to me that these people had a far greater problem than me. The first step in facing a gambling problem is to admit that you have one. My problem was I didn't think my gambling was a problem, it was just a run of bad luck. While I continued to attend meetings and started to see a psychologist, I was doing nothing to change or alter my behaviour. Looking back today all I was doing was appeasing the people in my life (my wife, my employer, and a few friends) so that the price I would have to pay would not be to great.

If you are reading this material and you have an addiction of any kind or if you know someone who has an addiction remember that saying you have a problem and believing you have a problem are two separate things. After my history of gambling is complete I will get into the differences in our personal attitudes and how you can make that commitment to change your addictive ways (no matter what the addiction). For the present time I have listed the links to the various support groups depending on your area of concern.

In The Beginning

2006-10-03T11:43:00.000-02:30

My first introduction to Video Lottery Terminals (VLT's) came around 1994. At first it was something that a small group of my friends used to do after a meeting that we would attend bi-weekly. After each meeting we would contribute five or ten dollars to a pot and play the machines for an hour or so as we relaxed and enjoyed a beverage or two. After three or four months of this I found that I was hanging around a little longer and putting a few extra dollars in on my own. No big deal I thought.

By mid 1995 every spare moment that I had was spent in front of a VLT. I had my own business, so therefore my lack of discipline affected not just my work time but my personal time as well. I started making excuses to leave the house in the evening so I could spend a few hours gambling. It was about this time that the worst part of any addiction kicked in - the lies. You start by telling one lie and before long you are telling lies when you don't even need to tell a lie.

By the end of 1995 I could no longer keep my business afloat. I told my wife and my friends that there was just not enough business in the area where we lived to stay open - the truth was that I had spent so much time at the machines and had lost so much money that I ran the business into the ground.

about this blog

2006-10-01T23:34:00.000-02:30

This blog among other things will be about one mans fight with addictions. First I will tell my story of how my life was controlled by a severe gambling addiction and how it affected not only myself but everyone associated with me. Then I will tell how my life began to change and with the help of some very special people control of my life was put back in my hands and after several hard learned lessons I not only beat gambling, but a thirty-five year addiction to cigarettes as well.
Today, my life is exciting, challenging and full of hope. My passengers enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs. Life is about choices and if you stick with me, you can learn how to take control of your life as well. The choice is yours.