The Face in the Mirror
"The most important of life's battles is the one we fight daily in the silent chambers of the soul." - David O. McKay
When the VLT's are finished taking your money, when your lies can't convince people anymore, when the only person you have left to talk to is yourself, the stark reality to a gambler is the addiction has won. The inner pain is numbing, stress won't let you sleep, your financial losses are insurmountable and you feel like you are a burden to everyone you know. Your mind is constricted to the point where self-hatred, rejection and hopelessness are the only feelings in an otherwise empty vessel.
As your mind flips from face to face, your wife, your children, your Mom & Dad, your brothers and sisters, your friends and co-workers, how can you look at any of them anymore. You know they don't trust you, you know they don't believe the words coming from your mouth and you know that saying you will quit just doesn't cut it anymore. The solution, if you are the problem - take care of the problem.
That is how that faithful day in early 1999 unfolded. First I gambled and lost, then I evaluated my options, then shortly after 6:00 pm I left my home and drove to the side of the pond. There I sat, car in drive, ready to solve the problem. It would be impossible for me to tell you today exactly what went through my mind during that first hour, but I can remember coming to the realization that I had been in a stationary position for quite a long time. What was I doing? Who was I hurting? Did I have the courage to actually take my own life? What would my children say? What would happen to my Mom? Question after question kept coming into my mind, each one without an answer. Another hour passed only this time there was a real doubt in my mind.
I firmly believe that what happened next saved my life. A Higher Power intervened and asked me the really tough questions. Who are you really afraid of looking at? Is this choice your about to make really going to solve your families problems or is it just going to solve yours? Is this how you want to be remembered? The gambler who quit, or the man who stood up and faced the music, whatever that would entail. After what seemed an eternity, I gently put the car in reverse and made a decision that I will never regret.
Unfortunately, suicide is an option that far to many addicts choose. For whatever reason, I was one of the lucky ones. If you or someone you know may be close to making this choice, remember there are always other options. My problems did not end that day, as a matter of fact they got worse, but a good friend of mine once told me, the hour before sunrise is always the darkest. At least this way I can deal with it.
Next up - those twenty questions.
When the VLT's are finished taking your money, when your lies can't convince people anymore, when the only person you have left to talk to is yourself, the stark reality to a gambler is the addiction has won. The inner pain is numbing, stress won't let you sleep, your financial losses are insurmountable and you feel like you are a burden to everyone you know. Your mind is constricted to the point where self-hatred, rejection and hopelessness are the only feelings in an otherwise empty vessel.
As your mind flips from face to face, your wife, your children, your Mom & Dad, your brothers and sisters, your friends and co-workers, how can you look at any of them anymore. You know they don't trust you, you know they don't believe the words coming from your mouth and you know that saying you will quit just doesn't cut it anymore. The solution, if you are the problem - take care of the problem.
That is how that faithful day in early 1999 unfolded. First I gambled and lost, then I evaluated my options, then shortly after 6:00 pm I left my home and drove to the side of the pond. There I sat, car in drive, ready to solve the problem. It would be impossible for me to tell you today exactly what went through my mind during that first hour, but I can remember coming to the realization that I had been in a stationary position for quite a long time. What was I doing? Who was I hurting? Did I have the courage to actually take my own life? What would my children say? What would happen to my Mom? Question after question kept coming into my mind, each one without an answer. Another hour passed only this time there was a real doubt in my mind.
I firmly believe that what happened next saved my life. A Higher Power intervened and asked me the really tough questions. Who are you really afraid of looking at? Is this choice your about to make really going to solve your families problems or is it just going to solve yours? Is this how you want to be remembered? The gambler who quit, or the man who stood up and faced the music, whatever that would entail. After what seemed an eternity, I gently put the car in reverse and made a decision that I will never regret.
Unfortunately, suicide is an option that far to many addicts choose. For whatever reason, I was one of the lucky ones. If you or someone you know may be close to making this choice, remember there are always other options. My problems did not end that day, as a matter of fact they got worse, but a good friend of mine once told me, the hour before sunrise is always the darkest. At least this way I can deal with it.
Next up - those twenty questions.
posted by Taximan at 8:23 PM
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