"Fear knocked at the door. Love answered and no one was there." - Author Unknown
A few months ago I wrote about fear as it relates to "change" and "taking the next step". My belief was and still is today, that quitting is the easy part, taking the next step and changing the gambler, the person, is the hard part. Now that I have implemented some of the changes to my character, a very difficult task, I am faced with another obstacle, the "fear of failure". What you need to understand is, that as I look at my life today, I am an infant, a newborn, entering areas of my life, that until recently, were foreign territory. Every day, that is given to me now, I attempt to treat it as a gift, and as with any gift, I cherish it. My goal in each new day, is to take a look around the corner, seek the unknown, test my abilities, utilize the gifts that have been given to me, and hopefully by the end of the day, maybe I will learn to walk.
The door that keeps slamming me in the face today however, is fear. Fear of failure, fear of slipping, fear of losing, fear of taking the chance that I won't fail. We all have those little people who sit on our shoulders, one saying yes you can, the other, putting you down, and saying no you can't. The optimist, reminding you of your abilities, reinforcing your confidence with words of encouragement and visions of what can be achieved. The pessimist, wagging his finger, reminding you of your past, snickering at the very thought of success. The result, another day dawns, the gift of life and opportunity is presented, the snickering clouds your vision, and as dusk approaches, the last seconds of another day, slowly tick away. Then, you lay there in your bed, praying for another day, another opportunity, pushing hard against the weight of your sleepy eyes, fearing that your meter is about to expire.
What bewilders me and befuddles my mind is that I should know the difference. But for me, taking that risk, putting myself out there, is very difficult. There was a time in my life that I relished those opportunities, challenge me and I would respond in spades. My ego was on bust. Today is different, today I try to ensure that everything I do is motivated from within. The problem with this however, is there can be too much caution, too much examination. A book that I am currently reading, talks about the myth of failure. It states that failure is an illusion and that no one ever fails at anything. The author, Wayne Dyer, believes that everything you do produces a result. The question is what do you do with the results that you produce. He believes that failure is a judgement, an opinion. He says that it comes from your fears, and it can be eliminated by love for yourself, love for what you do and love for others. Sounds pretty simple, almost infantile, but then again, I am an infant.
So, what do I do? Do I continue receiving those daily gifts, only to let them pass through my hands? Do I take action and move forward with my dreams and see exactly what can be achieved? Maybe the secret to my future is lurking in the dark recesses of my past. Maybe if I adopt the same energy, the same commitment, the same fearless bravado that I possessed when I was gambling, maybe that next step won't be so hard after all. I certainly had no fear of losing, no fear of failure or no fear taking a risk when I was spending every minute of every day gambling. The energy that was required to fuel the destruction of my life as I knew it, was intense, surely today I can muster the energy and the courage to utilize the gifts that I continue to receive. Gifts without conditions, I might add.
It is obvious what needs to be done. Action in place of inaction, risk instead of complacency, gift giving instead of receiving, optimism instead of pessimism, and faith instead of faithless. You may not believe me, but I have been about two years now playing out in my mind what I want to do with my future. I understand there is a need, a huge need, and I believe deep down inside that I can help, but I just can't seem to pull the trigger. Could it be that my own opinion of my preordained failure, is my only stumbling block? Could it be that I am author, publisher and printer of my own inaction? And here I am, another day, an over abundance of gifts, a burning desire, a little snickering from the cheap seats.....................how much time did you say was left on that meter?