At The Crossroads
"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn." - David Russell
My wife and I went to see the Ennis Sisters on Saturday night and one of the songs they performed was from their new CD. The song titled "Crossroads" was written at a time when the three sisters considered going their own separate ways. As I listened to the lyrics I couldn't help but think how many times in my own life I have been at the crossroad, thinking about leaving someone I loved very much as opposed to staying and risking hurting her again. The difficulty for me as a gambler, is the constant memory of my past, held in contrast against what could be a wonderful future.
As a sensible person I realize that in exchange for that first bet, what I would be actually risking is my family, our home, my job, my sanity, and probably my life. I am also very aware of the pure enjoyment I receive from seeing a smile on her face and the look of contentment in her eyes. Life can be so fulfilling and so rewarding, but in a millisecond, there are those thoughts, slithering ever so quietly, like a snake on its' belly, into the dark recesses of your mind. Telling you your going to fail, inspiring you to move backward, retelling the stories of your past, making them so vivid, that for a moment you are there again. She doesn't really love you, you fool, haven't you been hurt enough. None of them loved you. You are an island, and if you don't protect yourself, no one else will.
Your mind, always creating the worse case. If you relent, within an hour, what you gained in eighteen months, can be lost. Then the tears come, then the self-pity, then the why. Before you know it your entire system, mentally, physically and emotionally is in freefall. You don't have the strength to succeed. Remember high school, remember your teens, remember your work history, remember your mistakes, thousands of them. Face it, you're a loser, living in a dream world. Your very own fantasy land. How long do you think it will be before you fail again?
Wait a minute. I can do it. I just need to try harder. Things will be okay. All I need to do is stay positive, one day at a time, follow the steps, come on man, you can do it.
The deeper I get in my recovery, the less frequent are these episodes. The problem I have now is, while the occurences are fewer, the effect is more damaging. There is an unrelenting pressure to succeed, not just in my abstinence, (which by the way is the easy part) but in every facet of my life. The upside of the story, for today, another bridge crossed and another bridge burned.
My wife and I went to see the Ennis Sisters on Saturday night and one of the songs they performed was from their new CD. The song titled "Crossroads" was written at a time when the three sisters considered going their own separate ways. As I listened to the lyrics I couldn't help but think how many times in my own life I have been at the crossroad, thinking about leaving someone I loved very much as opposed to staying and risking hurting her again. The difficulty for me as a gambler, is the constant memory of my past, held in contrast against what could be a wonderful future.
As a sensible person I realize that in exchange for that first bet, what I would be actually risking is my family, our home, my job, my sanity, and probably my life. I am also very aware of the pure enjoyment I receive from seeing a smile on her face and the look of contentment in her eyes. Life can be so fulfilling and so rewarding, but in a millisecond, there are those thoughts, slithering ever so quietly, like a snake on its' belly, into the dark recesses of your mind. Telling you your going to fail, inspiring you to move backward, retelling the stories of your past, making them so vivid, that for a moment you are there again. She doesn't really love you, you fool, haven't you been hurt enough. None of them loved you. You are an island, and if you don't protect yourself, no one else will.
Your mind, always creating the worse case. If you relent, within an hour, what you gained in eighteen months, can be lost. Then the tears come, then the self-pity, then the why. Before you know it your entire system, mentally, physically and emotionally is in freefall. You don't have the strength to succeed. Remember high school, remember your teens, remember your work history, remember your mistakes, thousands of them. Face it, you're a loser, living in a dream world. Your very own fantasy land. How long do you think it will be before you fail again?
Wait a minute. I can do it. I just need to try harder. Things will be okay. All I need to do is stay positive, one day at a time, follow the steps, come on man, you can do it.
The deeper I get in my recovery, the less frequent are these episodes. The problem I have now is, while the occurences are fewer, the effect is more damaging. There is an unrelenting pressure to succeed, not just in my abstinence, (which by the way is the easy part) but in every facet of my life. The upside of the story, for today, another bridge crossed and another bridge burned.
posted by Taximan at 10:27 AM
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