Understanding An Addict - Part III

"Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen

My final thoughts surrounding this subject relate to the "what if" something happens during a person's recovery to send them back to their respective addiction. Who do they turn to? Who does their loved ones turn to? Can their love be strong enough to forgive again? Can the addict muster the courage to start all over again?

As an addict, one of my biggest fears is this happening to me. Once you begin climbing this mountain of recovery, knowing that you will never see the top, but always aware that you could see the bottom again, you quiver at the very thought of this happening to you. Without a doubt, I am confident that in the sub-conscious minds of our loved ones, those very thoughts make for an occasional uneasy night's sleep.

My belief is that we need to understand that we are all imperfect. We all can use a little adjustment in our lives from time to time. Every person needs love, needs to be held, needs the knowledge of someone who cares, truly cares about them and their well-being. For me, personally, love is a very important word. Love is symbolic of the guidance I have received from my Higher Power, it is symbolic of the forgiveness I have been afforded by the special people in my life, it is symbolic of the hope I have in my future, it is symbolic of the freedom I feel in my soul.

The answers to the questions I posed are not easy. Looking forward, one may say what they would do, but until that dreadful day arrives, none of us, not the addict or the victim can truly say how they will react. My hope for the addict would be that they once again turn to their loved ones and find the courage to start over again. My hope for the loved ones is that they turn to the addict and find the love to forgive again. Failing all of this my hope would be that we all turn to the person who has forgiven everything in our past and will continue to forgive everything in our future.

Maybe after all is said there is not a disconnect between an addict and a non-addict. In reality our lives are entwined and our goals are identical. We have the same objectives, we have the same fears, we have access to the same answers, we are climbing the same mountain, we are in love with each other, we believe in the same Power, we have felt the same pain, we have cried together, laughed together, hoped together, dreamed together, how can we not succeed?

All we need to do is "see the imperfect person perfectly".

Understanding An Addict - Part II

"Charity sees the need, not the cause." - German Proverb

When an addict is not under the spell of their addiction, they are like a child learning to walk, they are usually afraid of taking that first step. This is why it is much easier for an addict to be eaten up by guilt, self-pity, hopelessness and worthlessness. Most addicts have spent years lying to their loved ones, cheating them out of valuable time, stealing their love and replacing it with emptiness. The only place an addict believes they can go to rid themselves of this guilt, is back to their addiction. It can take years for an addict to see the value of self-help groups like GA or AA.

When an addict finally makes a real commitment to seeking help, they need the charity of the group and of those they love to help them succeed. Many addicts are very anxious to find the cause behind their addiction. Why did this happen to me? Many may die without knowing. For me, I have been clean now for nearly two years, I don't care about the why anymore. My focus now is on the quality of my life today, not on the pain of yesterday.
The most important thing an addict can do once they find that road to recovery, is to forgive themselves.

Why is it so easy for people to put down an addict. "He's only a drunk, he was never any good." "He's a dope head, all he does is use people." "She is not fit to be a mother, all she does is spend her time on those machines." That drunk, dope head and gambler, are all human beings. Like every other human being they are not perfect. They made mistakes. They hurt people, the biggest hurt however, was to themselves. Have you ever made a mistake? Have you ever hurt somebody? Have you ever had feelings of guilt, self-pity, hopelessness and worthlessness? I believe you have, maybe not to the same degree as an addict, but you have a sense of how it feels to be alone and helpless.

My purpose here is not to justify the characteristics of an addict. As a gambler, I was a liar, a thief, a manipulator, a user and a person most people would sooner have nothing to do with. But, I was also a son, a husband, a father, a friend and someone who needed help.

When you speak about an addict again, speak with love, not disappointment, speak of hope, not failure, speak with charity, not disgust, and always remember, it could be your son or daughter, your husband or wife, your friend. Offer love and it will be returned, in time.

Understanding An Addict - Part I

"Never look down on anybody, unless you are helping him up." - Jesse Jackson

One of the first things that became very apparent to me when I became serious about my recovery was the disconnect between an addict and a non-addict. A person who is not a compulsive gambler, who is not an alcoholic, who is not a drug addict, has a very difficult time understanding how a person can say they love you and then treat them in such an unloving way.

Addictions are all about self and selfishness. While under the control of an addiction, an addict operates in a manner that is totally self-serving. They will say anything, do anything and go the full distance to feed their habit. In the moments where there is some type of reality, guilt takes control of their thoughts, and guilt can only send you in one direction, back to your addiction. The thing is, when you are in front of a machine, or when you are drunk, or when you are wasted on drugs, you are removed from reality. You don't have to think about the people you are hurting or the damage you are doing to yourself, all that matters is feeding the addiction.

This doesn't mean that you don't have feelings, it doesn't mean that you don't love the special people in your life. All it means is that at the present time the addiction is winning, the addiction is stronger than your will to stop. The truth is that most addicts have a greater ability to love and care about other people than non-addicts because they know what hurt is and what pain is and the damage it can cause. They understand loneliness, fear, guilt, hatred and all the other crippling feelings that go with an addiction. They can look into another person's eyes and see the pain. Why? Because they have seen it so often before.

An addict is a living, breathing human being. An addict is someone's husband or wife, son or daughter, sister or brother, they need help, non-judgemental help. The thing we need to understand is that they may turn down a helping hand a thousand times before they accept it. They may abuse a loved one's trust a thousand times before they truly accept them. But the wonderful thing is, we can help them, we can rescue them, we can love them.

I thank God everyday for the people in my life who helped me, who rescued me, who loved me enough to try one more time.