Do the Right Thing, Press Send - Part 1
"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." - Carl Jung
It is January 2000, my plan of making everything okay again is moving along, very slowly. I continue to remain gamble free and I continue to attend my Gamblers Anonymous meetings. Because of what I have created throughout my addiction, it could take me years to make everything right. I don't see it that way. I continue to operate as if I had done nothing wrong. Then, around the third week of January, on a Thursday afternoon, the phone rings. The voice on the other end exchanged some chit chat with me and then she asked the question.
I wasn't prepared for what she asked me. I stumbled over my words. My whole body went numb. To tell you the truth I thought I was going to pass out. I told her a lie, she accepted my answer and said good-bye. The next two hours were like an eternity. My life flashed in front of my eyes again and again, each time more vivid than before. Reality had hit home, the jig was up. All of a sudden I realized that my two sons were at basketball practice and I had to pick them up. The rest of that evening was basicly a blur.
I didn't sleep that night. I tried, but every time I closed my eyes I saw a disappointed face. One time my wife, the next time my mom, than my oldest son, than my boss, next some other member of my family. I cried, I smoked and than I cried some more. An awful lot of self-pity of course. The question that I was asked on the phone was about a certain file that I had manipulated. By morning, when my two sons went to school, I was in full repair mode. Maybe if I done this, or maybe if I said that, or maybe she accepted my answer and everything will be okay. Around 1:00pm that dream came crashing down to earth.
The phone rang again and I nearly got sick to my stomach. It was the Manager for Newfoundland operations. He asked me a couple of questions, I lied to him as well, than he said good-bye. I waited for my sons to come home from school and than I watched the clock. When 5:00pm arrived, I let out a cautious sigh of relief. It was Friday, so I knew that not much else could happen until Monday morning. My wife and daughter came home for the weekend and for the most part it was an okay weekend. I didn't sleep much and everytime I was alone my thoughts were on the problem that was sitting there, just waiting for Monday to arrive.
I thought about telling my wife, but I told myself that at this point in time, it would only complicate matters. Looking back, the truth is I didn't have the courage to tell her. Sunday evening came, my wife and daughter went back to St. John's, the time came for my sons to go to bed and than it started - the longest night of my life.
It is January 2000, my plan of making everything okay again is moving along, very slowly. I continue to remain gamble free and I continue to attend my Gamblers Anonymous meetings. Because of what I have created throughout my addiction, it could take me years to make everything right. I don't see it that way. I continue to operate as if I had done nothing wrong. Then, around the third week of January, on a Thursday afternoon, the phone rings. The voice on the other end exchanged some chit chat with me and then she asked the question.
I wasn't prepared for what she asked me. I stumbled over my words. My whole body went numb. To tell you the truth I thought I was going to pass out. I told her a lie, she accepted my answer and said good-bye. The next two hours were like an eternity. My life flashed in front of my eyes again and again, each time more vivid than before. Reality had hit home, the jig was up. All of a sudden I realized that my two sons were at basketball practice and I had to pick them up. The rest of that evening was basicly a blur.
I didn't sleep that night. I tried, but every time I closed my eyes I saw a disappointed face. One time my wife, the next time my mom, than my oldest son, than my boss, next some other member of my family. I cried, I smoked and than I cried some more. An awful lot of self-pity of course. The question that I was asked on the phone was about a certain file that I had manipulated. By morning, when my two sons went to school, I was in full repair mode. Maybe if I done this, or maybe if I said that, or maybe she accepted my answer and everything will be okay. Around 1:00pm that dream came crashing down to earth.
The phone rang again and I nearly got sick to my stomach. It was the Manager for Newfoundland operations. He asked me a couple of questions, I lied to him as well, than he said good-bye. I waited for my sons to come home from school and than I watched the clock. When 5:00pm arrived, I let out a cautious sigh of relief. It was Friday, so I knew that not much else could happen until Monday morning. My wife and daughter came home for the weekend and for the most part it was an okay weekend. I didn't sleep much and everytime I was alone my thoughts were on the problem that was sitting there, just waiting for Monday to arrive.
I thought about telling my wife, but I told myself that at this point in time, it would only complicate matters. Looking back, the truth is I didn't have the courage to tell her. Sunday evening came, my wife and daughter went back to St. John's, the time came for my sons to go to bed and than it started - the longest night of my life.
posted by Taximan at 11:02 AM
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