Anger - Why?
"Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him." - Louis L"Armour
If there was one thing I realized when I started looking at my character defects, it was that anger was my greatest enemy. Knowing this, allowed me to put strategies in place to deal with situations that would normally cause me to become upset. Either by genetics or some other stupid flaw in my character, I have always had a very short fuse. As I have gotten older these fits of anger were having a very detrimental effect on my system. However, I discovered yesterday, that the strategies I have in place are not fool proof, for the fool in me came out again. This time, maybe because it has been a long time since I have had an angry rage, the result was devastating.
Never before has an angry moment left me so useless. Everything positive that was in my soul evaporated. Because it was Sunday evening, I went to church, but it was just as well if I had went out in my shed. I never heard a word that was said and for the most part I didn't want to hear anything. I was emotionally drained. It was as if I never quit anything. Why not gamble? Why not have a cigarette? Why not tell everyone to go to hell and just leave me alone? Why do I have to deal with this b.s. anyway? You work so hard. For what? To have it all fall apart in about sixty seconds.
Well its Monday now, I didn't gamble, I didn't smoke, but I am still emotionally spent. Why the anger? Where did it come from? How long has it been there? Was I really angry with what happened or is my anger deeper than even I can understand? Do I have the tools to deal with my anger? Deep down, do I want to deal with this right now? Lots of questions but not very many answers. There is one fact that I do believe. Whatever is inside of you, that is what will eventually come out. If you could only hear all the negative crap going on in my head right now. And to think that most people look at me and think that I am normal. Who said you can never read a book by looking at the cover?
Speaking of books, I am currently reading "The Pursuit of Happiness". How ironic, I guess I should go read another chapter, who knows what I might find.
If there was one thing I realized when I started looking at my character defects, it was that anger was my greatest enemy. Knowing this, allowed me to put strategies in place to deal with situations that would normally cause me to become upset. Either by genetics or some other stupid flaw in my character, I have always had a very short fuse. As I have gotten older these fits of anger were having a very detrimental effect on my system. However, I discovered yesterday, that the strategies I have in place are not fool proof, for the fool in me came out again. This time, maybe because it has been a long time since I have had an angry rage, the result was devastating.
Never before has an angry moment left me so useless. Everything positive that was in my soul evaporated. Because it was Sunday evening, I went to church, but it was just as well if I had went out in my shed. I never heard a word that was said and for the most part I didn't want to hear anything. I was emotionally drained. It was as if I never quit anything. Why not gamble? Why not have a cigarette? Why not tell everyone to go to hell and just leave me alone? Why do I have to deal with this b.s. anyway? You work so hard. For what? To have it all fall apart in about sixty seconds.
Well its Monday now, I didn't gamble, I didn't smoke, but I am still emotionally spent. Why the anger? Where did it come from? How long has it been there? Was I really angry with what happened or is my anger deeper than even I can understand? Do I have the tools to deal with my anger? Deep down, do I want to deal with this right now? Lots of questions but not very many answers. There is one fact that I do believe. Whatever is inside of you, that is what will eventually come out. If you could only hear all the negative crap going on in my head right now. And to think that most people look at me and think that I am normal. Who said you can never read a book by looking at the cover?
Speaking of books, I am currently reading "The Pursuit of Happiness". How ironic, I guess I should go read another chapter, who knows what I might find.
posted by Taximan at 1:05 PM
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