Looking For The Why
"All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why." - James Thurber
All of a sudden I am beginning to understand one of the reasons why I gambled. It was a substitute to dealing with the real issues in my life. Dealing with character defects and character flaws makes gambling look like a walk in the park. If you refer back to my earlier entries, you will see that when I quit in the past, especially in the year 2000, I did absolutely nothing to change the gambler. Hence a few years later I gambled again. Now that I am dealing with this issue it is very frustrating when I have a setback, mainly because I don't understand the WHY.
Why is it that when a setback occurs, we start to question everything that we are doing, as if, in some unexplained way we are doing everything wrong? Surely, if all is okay at 4:00pm, then you have a miscue at 5:00pm, all is not lost at 6:00pm. However, if you look at my reaction to the miscue this past Sunday, you would think that something totally earth shattering had occurred. So today as I reflect on what happened, the question is not - where did the anger come from - but - why the devastating response?
Gambling, unlike other addictions, can be hidden for long periods of time. Gamblers, unlike other addicts, can create our own reality for long periods of time. Even though spending is out of control, bills are piling up, hours are spent sitting in front of a machine, we have the ability to create within those people who are very close to us, the sense that everything is just fine. Our reality convinces people that we will be okay. Our lies create a life that is total fiction. Our lies not only deceive others, after a time they even deceive us. We tell our lies so well, that we start believing them. Our lies become our reality.
I believe now that the reason a setback causes such a devastating response is because of fear. Fear that I am creating my own reality again. Fear that I am trying to control people again. Fear that all the work, all the hope, is just a mirage, and in my reality nothing has changed. But as I awake to a new day and see that the world, as I know it, hasn't changed, the fear subsides. My life is better today because I take the time to ask myself the question. No person is harder on me today than me. Today, I constantly challenge every thought, every action and every response. It is very important for me to live in the now. It is very important for me to believe that things are different. While it has been a long time since my last bet, I am very aware of how close I will always be to my next bet, and that distance will never change. Because of this, I need to ask WHY?
All of a sudden I am beginning to understand one of the reasons why I gambled. It was a substitute to dealing with the real issues in my life. Dealing with character defects and character flaws makes gambling look like a walk in the park. If you refer back to my earlier entries, you will see that when I quit in the past, especially in the year 2000, I did absolutely nothing to change the gambler. Hence a few years later I gambled again. Now that I am dealing with this issue it is very frustrating when I have a setback, mainly because I don't understand the WHY.
Why is it that when a setback occurs, we start to question everything that we are doing, as if, in some unexplained way we are doing everything wrong? Surely, if all is okay at 4:00pm, then you have a miscue at 5:00pm, all is not lost at 6:00pm. However, if you look at my reaction to the miscue this past Sunday, you would think that something totally earth shattering had occurred. So today as I reflect on what happened, the question is not - where did the anger come from - but - why the devastating response?
Gambling, unlike other addictions, can be hidden for long periods of time. Gamblers, unlike other addicts, can create our own reality for long periods of time. Even though spending is out of control, bills are piling up, hours are spent sitting in front of a machine, we have the ability to create within those people who are very close to us, the sense that everything is just fine. Our reality convinces people that we will be okay. Our lies create a life that is total fiction. Our lies not only deceive others, after a time they even deceive us. We tell our lies so well, that we start believing them. Our lies become our reality.
I believe now that the reason a setback causes such a devastating response is because of fear. Fear that I am creating my own reality again. Fear that I am trying to control people again. Fear that all the work, all the hope, is just a mirage, and in my reality nothing has changed. But as I awake to a new day and see that the world, as I know it, hasn't changed, the fear subsides. My life is better today because I take the time to ask myself the question. No person is harder on me today than me. Today, I constantly challenge every thought, every action and every response. It is very important for me to live in the now. It is very important for me to believe that things are different. While it has been a long time since my last bet, I am very aware of how close I will always be to my next bet, and that distance will never change. Because of this, I need to ask WHY?
posted by Taximan at 10:16 PM
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