Who's Future

"The possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react." - George Bernard Shaw

I have spent the majority of my adult life reacting to what I believed were other people's thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Either through fear, immaturity or some other human frailty, I have permitted my perception of other people, to dictate my actions. Notice that it is my perception and what I believed were other people's thoughts, feelings and beliefs that led me to act. What those people were actually thinking, or what their beliefs actually were, had no real significance in my thought process. It was more important for me, to concentrate on what I wanted them to believe, or what I wanted them to feel, than to focus on the reality of any given situation.

In my recovery from gambling I have learned that I am not alone in this process. The majority of people actually behave the way they do because of their concern of what the other person may think of them. In our society there are certain sets of principles and standards that are generally accepted by the population as a whole and anyone who deviates from this or who lives outside the norm, is said to be different. Different in what way? Different for believing in themselves and having the confidence to bring a little fresh air to an otherwise stagnant existence. Different because they do not agree with your preset principles and standards. Different because they want to pave their own highway and not take the road so often travelled.

Gambling has taught me many lessons about life. Gambling has taught me many lessons about myself. Gambling has taught me how weak a person I truly was, but it has also taught me how strong a person I can truly be. Gambling has forced me to step back and look at who's future I want to live. Do I want to continue to live the life that I perceive to be what people want to see in me? Do I want to return eventually to the pathways of my old habits? Do I want to linger in the hillside of self-pity? What do I really want?

My future, designed by me, lived by me, experienced by me, successes and failures, smiles and tears, wins and losses, dreams and disasters, my choices for better or worse. Gambling as taught me what I want and my recovery has taught me how to achieve my goals. Patience, perseverance, faith, action (not reaction), humility, forgiveness, prayer, and a belief in myself. We all need to look in the mirror, we all need to like what we see, we all like to have others like what they see in us, but we must never permit any of this to alter our belief in ourselves. Each one of us, every person, is a person - a conscious, living, breathing human being - with thoughts, feelings and beliefs, each person as they are, not what we design them to be.

We Design What We See

"People who look through keyholes are apt to get the idea that most things are keyhole shaped." - Author Unknown

There are so many things in this world that we cannot comprehend. There are events that take place and human drama that unfolds on a daily basis that causes us to just shake our heads and wonder how can this happen. We have no understanding of the emotions involved or the pain or happiness created by the event. As an example, February 6, 2007 was the seventh anniversary of the death of Samantha Walsh. The light shines brighter on this year's anniversary because the young man who murdered her has applied for parole. In a recent edition of The Telegram, the letter written by Samantha's mom to the parole board, as well as an article concerning the events leading up to the parole hearing for Michael Lewis, was carried as a front page story. What struck me as I read both the story and the letter was my inability to comprehend the feelings involved on all sides of this story.

What don't I understand? The first thought is how can a sixteen year old boy take the life of a thirteen year old girl? How does a Mom & Dad live with the loss of their little girl day after day? How does a Mom & Dad live with the fact that their son took the life of this little girl? Does this young man, who is now 23 years old, have any idea the pain that he has caused? As a society, are we able to balance the need for punishment against the need for rehabilitation? Better yet, as a society are we able to forgive? If you read the book written by Samantha's uncle Gordon Walsh, titled "Into the Night - The Samantha Walsh Story", you will gain a very good insight into what all of the above mentioned people went through just seven short years ago.

To debate, discuss or even contemplate answers to these questions is certainly beyond the realm of this blog. But their are words from this story that fit into each one of our lives. Certainly not to the same degree as in this story, but they are a part of our lives on a daily basis. Words like pain, loss, punishment and forgiveness, enter and re-enter our lives, sometimes on an hourly basis. We inflict pain without consideration for the loss, we inflict punishment without consideration of forgiveness. We gossip without thought, we accuse withour proof, we put other people down just so we can raise ourselves up. Never do we think about the harm we are doing or the pain we are causing.

My life has been like this for a long, long time. I am critical of others, because I want to feel better. I seek out personal loss because I know the loss I have cost others. I punish others because of my fears and forgiveness is only a word, never a legitimate thought. What I have done is try to create in others the thoughts and deeds that rightfully belong to me. I have tried to skirt my own responsibility by blaming others. What I fail to realize is that I have been the architect of my own pain, my own losses, my own punishment, and my own lack of forgiveness. Daily we each have the power to make this a better place to live. We each have the ability to inflict a little happiness, lend a little smile and speak a little good. We only need to look beyond our own little world into the lives of others. See in them that which we desire for ourselves, and instead of being thrifty, spend the richness of our spirit, for that is a well that will never run dry.

Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right

"You can't make something right by doing something wrong." - Anonymous

How many times in our lives are we able to rationalize to ourselves that something we know for a fact is the wrong thing to do, is okay because we are doing it for the right reasons? This is not true just for addicts, it is true for all society. The way I see it in my life it is something that I justify by saying "I don't want to hurt the other person" when in fact it is my own hide that I am protecting. Any number of events that have happened in my life can be traced back to this kind of thinking. The event that sticks out the most for me however, was the time that suicide became the only legitimate solution for me, in an attempt to help my family.

While suicide tends to be prevalent among people suffering with an addiction, it is also very common among those suffering from various degrees of depression. In fact it is usually during a state of depression that an addict pursues this type of so called "cure for their problem". There have been many times that during my discussions with people about suicide, I have referred to suicide as a cowardly act. In fact after spending three hours that night sitting by the side of that pond, with one foot on the gas pedal and the other foot on the brake pedal, I eventually considered my attempt as a cowardly act. Thinking today, about the type of mindset that you are in at the time, I don't believe I should be making that determination. You convince yourself that this is the best action for everyone concerned and because of your state of mind it is very difficult to entertain any other options. The greater question for me today is, why? Why do so many people have such a varying degree of appreciation for their own life, and a greater or lessor appreciation for the lives of others?

In my job, I have the privilege of driving every conceivable type of person there is living in our world today. People who are happy, sad, depressed, angry, ignorant, kind, thoughtful, selfish, aloof, sick, tired, worried, anxious, distraught, expectant, nervous, disappointed, cheap, ruthless, evil, peaceful, thankful, etc. etc. One gentleman that I drove the other day, in his mid-forties, having dialysis three times a week, told me "I pray to die". Another gentleman who has a son battling cancer, told me "It could be worse" referencing what the Churchill family has had to go through. Another young man angry with the world about something or other, called me "A f''king idiot" because I wouldn't accept five dollars for a nine dollar fare. Still another young lady tipped me two dollars because she said "I really enjoyed this ride, you made me feel better about this exam I am about to write".

Thousands of people, each with their own individual appreciation for life, not only their own, but yours and mine as well. Like me, most are not thinking in terms of right or wrong, but in terms of how we see our own life in relationship to everyone else. We are so busy, that we fail to see the beginning and the end. We fail to see that the second we are born, we begin to die. We fail to comprehend that a predetermined time has been set, and every second, every minute, every hour and every day that we waste, is time we cannot retrieve. That is why a wrong can never make anything right. There is only the right way. No matter how much you rationalize, no matter how determined you are to try and make it the right way, there is only one right way. There is only one way to treat yourself, the people you love, and society in general. Treat everyone with an appreciation for their time, their feelings, and their thoughts. For it is the inner side of man that few of us will ever get to see. Judge not, that which is unknown to you.

Who Are You?

"Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people." - Martina Navratilova

Why is it we don't like other people putting a label on us but we don't mind putting a label on ourselves? Or is it that we don't mind other people putting certain labels on us as long as the label is positive and as long as we agree with them? Funny thing about that fact, call me intelligent but don't call me stupid. You can tell people I am honest but don't call me a liar. It is okay to tell people how successful I am but don't call me an under-achiever. Talk about my inner beauty but don't discuss my ugly side. Tell people how brave I am to face my addictive habits head-on but don't say a word about how cowardly I am when it comes to dealing with my actual defects of character. Funny thing how quiet I am when my life is up for discussion compared to how loud I am when we are talking about someone else's problems. Any of this sound familiar? Or am I the only person stupid enough to think this way?

You see folks, if you really want to address the problems in your life, you need to be honest with yourself. It is pointless to sit there week after week and say "I am a compulsive gambler", if the only thing we are willing to do about it is try not to gamble. You see gambling is a symptom of something else that is wrong in your life. There is no doubt in my mind that when everything is good in my life, gambling is a very distant thought, however turn up the stress level, and all of a sudden that distant thought can become tomorrow's reality. Why? Because we haven't developed the tools required to deal with the stressful events in our life. Instead we find it easier to have a slip, admit our mistake, and sit there confidently and say the reason for my slip is because "I am a compulsive gambler".

Now extend this line of thinking one step further and you will begin to understand why we have problems in our various relationships. We have a slip and say how stupid we are, but if our spouse happens to say how stupid we are, we accuse them of not being supportive. We admit that our lies are unacceptable, but if our friend feels hurt by our lying, we accuse them of not understanding. Deep down we know we are under-achieving, but let our employer state this fact and we accuse them of not giving us the required tools to do our job. Do I doubt what I want in this life? Never. Do I doubt my commitment to achieve what I want in this life? Always. But I am the only person allowed to think it and the only person allowed to say it.

So the question remains, who are you? Are you the person who seeks a better life regardless of the label or are you the person who seeks comfort from the world because of the label? Who you are and who you wish to be, is in your control. If you want to be seen as honest, be honest. If you want to be seen as a person committed to your recovery, commit to it. You will be able to better define who you are when you accept the fact that no matter what the outside world sees, it is what you see that truly makes the difference. If you take a moment today to list the labels that best represent what you want to become, you can begin to shed that label that only represents what you are and not what you want to be. Today "I am a compulsive gambler" but tomorrow I want to be wise, loving, easy-going, humble, energetic, happy, optimistic, healthy, free........................