Do the Right Thing, Press Send - Part 2
"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people. - Anonymous
It is remarkable in life how sometimes you can't remember the simplest little thing, but certain events, no matter how involved they are, you remember every little detail. On that faithful Sunday, after my boys went to bed, I sat at my computer and prepared an e-mail for the manager of Newfoundland operations, the same gentleman who had called me on Friday. Over the course of several hours, I researched and detailed the four files that I had manipulated during my tenure with the company.
Once the e-mail was complete, I can remember sitting there reading it, over and over again. The silence in the room was deafening. I had never felt so alone before in my life. I knew that if I hit the send button, my life as I knew it was over. My best estimate was the loss of my wife and children, an emotional minefield for my Mom, who was sick at the time, no idea what to expect from my family and the likelihood of legal action. How could a machine, with cherries, plums, oranges and bells create this much devastation for one individual? How could an intelligent human being, with a good job, a beautiful family and his health and strength be so stupid? I knew what I had to do. I had to send this e-mail. But the coward in me just wouldn't let me press that button.
It is 7:00am, I haven't closed my eyes. I have to get the boys up for school in a few minutes. I stand outside by the corner of the house looking out at Carbonear harbour. The sun is just poking its nose over the horizon. It is pretty cold, but nothing seems to bother me. It is like I have no feeling whatsoever. What would this day bring? I look out through the living room window as my two sons get on the school bus. I can't help but wonder what they will think of their Dad when they find out what I have done. What kind of an impact will this have on my daughter? I have to say the tears flowed freely that morning and as 9:00am approached I knew I had to make a decision. What I will relate to you now, has been my secret for the past six years. I tell it in the hope that someone reading this blog and needing to make a life altering decision will find the strength to do so.
After the boys left, I went upstairs to my bedroom. I found our family Bible and just started to randomly read different chapters. I asked my Higher Power for the strength and courage to send that e-mail. I asked for the blessing of my wife, children and family during what I was sure would be a very difficult time. I asked for my faith to be strong and that the hope for a better tomorrow be my guiding light. At approximately 10:00am on that Monday morning in January of 2000, I hit the send button, believing that nothing could ever be as bad as the last five years of my life. Whoever thought that honesty could feel this good.
It is remarkable in life how sometimes you can't remember the simplest little thing, but certain events, no matter how involved they are, you remember every little detail. On that faithful Sunday, after my boys went to bed, I sat at my computer and prepared an e-mail for the manager of Newfoundland operations, the same gentleman who had called me on Friday. Over the course of several hours, I researched and detailed the four files that I had manipulated during my tenure with the company.
Once the e-mail was complete, I can remember sitting there reading it, over and over again. The silence in the room was deafening. I had never felt so alone before in my life. I knew that if I hit the send button, my life as I knew it was over. My best estimate was the loss of my wife and children, an emotional minefield for my Mom, who was sick at the time, no idea what to expect from my family and the likelihood of legal action. How could a machine, with cherries, plums, oranges and bells create this much devastation for one individual? How could an intelligent human being, with a good job, a beautiful family and his health and strength be so stupid? I knew what I had to do. I had to send this e-mail. But the coward in me just wouldn't let me press that button.
It is 7:00am, I haven't closed my eyes. I have to get the boys up for school in a few minutes. I stand outside by the corner of the house looking out at Carbonear harbour. The sun is just poking its nose over the horizon. It is pretty cold, but nothing seems to bother me. It is like I have no feeling whatsoever. What would this day bring? I look out through the living room window as my two sons get on the school bus. I can't help but wonder what they will think of their Dad when they find out what I have done. What kind of an impact will this have on my daughter? I have to say the tears flowed freely that morning and as 9:00am approached I knew I had to make a decision. What I will relate to you now, has been my secret for the past six years. I tell it in the hope that someone reading this blog and needing to make a life altering decision will find the strength to do so.
After the boys left, I went upstairs to my bedroom. I found our family Bible and just started to randomly read different chapters. I asked my Higher Power for the strength and courage to send that e-mail. I asked for the blessing of my wife, children and family during what I was sure would be a very difficult time. I asked for my faith to be strong and that the hope for a better tomorrow be my guiding light. At approximately 10:00am on that Monday morning in January of 2000, I hit the send button, believing that nothing could ever be as bad as the last five years of my life. Whoever thought that honesty could feel this good.
posted by Taximan at 10:40 AM
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