Rationalization - Another Enemy
"In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility." - Eleanor Roosevelt
Without going into a great deal of detail about my legal problems, let me say that I lost my job and I cooperated totally with my employer and the legal system. To a small degree , this problem is still with me today and I live with that consequence. If anyone would like further information, ask me personally and I will fill in the blanks.
Now, what I am going to tell you next is a far greater story, because it illustrates the mind of an addict, or should I say, this addict. Here I am sitting in my home, I have lost my job, I have a legal problem to deal with, I have no money and no means to make any, so what do I do, I lie to my family. I tell my family that because my sales figures were not meeting the company targets, they got rid of me. I told them that I felt the writing was on the wall for a long time. Now if you feel you know what stress is, come live in those shoes for a period of time.
Everytime in my life, not just in my gambling life, everytime I was faced with a serious situation, I could rationalize in my own mind what was best for everyone involved. My deepest fears could motivate me to do the insane. Looking back, it is a wonder I could even breathe, but the funny thing is, if you tell something often enough it becomes the truth for you. I was so proud of the fact that I was going to Gamblers Anonymous. I was so proud that I sent that e-mail and cooperated fully with everyone involved. But my honesty could not go all the way, I had to lie to my family. I had to lie to the very people that had supported me to this point in my addiction.
This all happened in January of 2000. In February of 2000, I saw an ad in the telegram looking for taxi drivers. I called and found out the information I needed, talked to my wife about it and within a few days I was driving a taxi in St. John's and commuting to and from Carbonear. The only truly positive thing about this turn of events was that at least I could start contributing to my families finances again, even if it was only a small contribution. By this time though, there was a fracture in our family. Our kids were living apart, one in St. John's and two in Carbonear. Even when my wife and daughter went to Carbonear on the weekends, I took this opportunity to drive a cab. While my wife and I were still living together, the constant strain of my addiction had taken its tole.
Many people may see this idea of rationalization as a minor point in what I have written to date. But you need to see what rationalization is all about. It is about self-love. This is what I read in my Gamblers Anonymous book "One Day at a Time" for October 21, 2006. "Self-love is a reflection of an inflated ego, around which - in our distorted view of our own self-importance - everthing must revolve. Self-love is the breeding ground for hostility, arrogance, and a host of other character defects that blind us to any points of view but our own. Love of self, in contrast, is an appreciation of our dignity and value as human beings. Love of self is an expression of self-realization, from which springs humility." Admitting to these character defects, goes a long way in solving our problems. Once again, my name is John and I am a compulsive gambler.
Without going into a great deal of detail about my legal problems, let me say that I lost my job and I cooperated totally with my employer and the legal system. To a small degree , this problem is still with me today and I live with that consequence. If anyone would like further information, ask me personally and I will fill in the blanks.
Now, what I am going to tell you next is a far greater story, because it illustrates the mind of an addict, or should I say, this addict. Here I am sitting in my home, I have lost my job, I have a legal problem to deal with, I have no money and no means to make any, so what do I do, I lie to my family. I tell my family that because my sales figures were not meeting the company targets, they got rid of me. I told them that I felt the writing was on the wall for a long time. Now if you feel you know what stress is, come live in those shoes for a period of time.
Everytime in my life, not just in my gambling life, everytime I was faced with a serious situation, I could rationalize in my own mind what was best for everyone involved. My deepest fears could motivate me to do the insane. Looking back, it is a wonder I could even breathe, but the funny thing is, if you tell something often enough it becomes the truth for you. I was so proud of the fact that I was going to Gamblers Anonymous. I was so proud that I sent that e-mail and cooperated fully with everyone involved. But my honesty could not go all the way, I had to lie to my family. I had to lie to the very people that had supported me to this point in my addiction.
This all happened in January of 2000. In February of 2000, I saw an ad in the telegram looking for taxi drivers. I called and found out the information I needed, talked to my wife about it and within a few days I was driving a taxi in St. John's and commuting to and from Carbonear. The only truly positive thing about this turn of events was that at least I could start contributing to my families finances again, even if it was only a small contribution. By this time though, there was a fracture in our family. Our kids were living apart, one in St. John's and two in Carbonear. Even when my wife and daughter went to Carbonear on the weekends, I took this opportunity to drive a cab. While my wife and I were still living together, the constant strain of my addiction had taken its tole.
Many people may see this idea of rationalization as a minor point in what I have written to date. But you need to see what rationalization is all about. It is about self-love. This is what I read in my Gamblers Anonymous book "One Day at a Time" for October 21, 2006. "Self-love is a reflection of an inflated ego, around which - in our distorted view of our own self-importance - everthing must revolve. Self-love is the breeding ground for hostility, arrogance, and a host of other character defects that blind us to any points of view but our own. Love of self, in contrast, is an appreciation of our dignity and value as human beings. Love of self is an expression of self-realization, from which springs humility." Admitting to these character defects, goes a long way in solving our problems. Once again, my name is John and I am a compulsive gambler.
posted by Taximan at 11:17 PM
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