Thursday, December 28, 2006

Do It For James

"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail." - Abraham Maslow

How many times during your day do you stop and think about all the gifts in your life? Not material gifts, but the gifts that allow you to be an active member of society. The gifts that permit you to enjoy your breakfast, play with your kids, drive your car, do your job, enjoy time with your friends or to sit quietly in the corner and read your favourite book. For me, personally, I rarely take the time to acknowledge the thousands of God given gifts that assist me in taking an active role in the world I live in. That is until recently. Since I met James for the first time I find myself asking all kinds of questions to myself.

James is a young man, 7-8 years of age, who attends school, goes to daycare and when you see him for the first time, you would think that everything is fine. James, however, has been diagnosed as "globally delayed". Sounds intimidating. It is. James doesn't talk, he goes to school to try and learn the very basics of interacting with people, he has a worker with him for most of his day, and his future is going to be just more of his past. When he smiles though, he can light up a room, and when he gets mad he can give you the cold shoulder just as good as anybody. When you look into his eyes, it is like he knows something, but he just won't tell you. He has the sweetest face and you could fall in love with him very quickly. Just yesterday, as he was getting out of my car, I said have a good day James, and he turned and looked at me as if to say "I always have a good day".

That got me thinking. If James had all of my God given gifts for just one day, how would he use them. Do you think he would complain about having to get out of bed? Do you think he would forget to hug his wife or his mom? Do you think he would speed across town as if he was the only person on the road? Do you think he would say nasty things about other people? Do you think he would spend a part of his day gossiping? Do you think he would complain about his job? Do you think he would spend most of his day sitting in front of a machine, gambling? Or on a barstool, drinking? Or in an alley, doing drugs? Having experienced life as he is living it today, would he live my life as I do? I think not.

I believe we can all be in agreement that if James had the opportunity, he would use these new found gifts to the fullest. But life is not like that. I cannot give my gifts to James, not even for one day. But I can cherish the gifts I have been given and use them to extent that my talent and ability allows me to. If each one of us had to live James' life for a day, how would we respond? Everything you do in life is by choice. What you think, what you say, what you eat, what you read, what education you get, what job you work at, who your friends are, what vices you have, everything in your life is there because you made the decision to make it that way. You can blame someone else, you can blame your childhood, you can blame your genetics, but you made the choice. Therefore, you can make the positive choices as well. Unfortunately for James, his choices are already made for him.

So the next time your having a bad day, take a look around, just maybe you will see James, staring out the car window, wondering what it would be like to have all those gifts and what it would be like to have all those choices. Then, as you look into his eyes, make a commitment to use your God given gifts to the best of your ability, and as you make that commitment, smile, wave and say "I'll Do It For James".

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Committed To Success

"He conquers who endures." - Persius

Her smile, that was the first thing that struck me. She seemed so happy to see me. It was like I had something to give her. She opened the door of my taxi as if she knew me, and she was glad to see me again. She didn't have any luggage, just a box with no cover on it, but you could tell it was her clothes. She gently laid the box and a small backpack on the back seat of my car and as she settled in the front seat she said "I hope you can help me, I don't exactly know where I am supposed to go."

What I am about to tell you did happen. While I was working this past Friday night, December 22, 2006, I was dispatched to the Student Centre at Memorial University for a fare. When I got there, this young lady, 25-26 years old was waiting for me. It had been an hour since she had gotten off the DRL bus and because the Student Centre was closed for the holidays and she couldn't get her cellphone to work, she had to wait for someone to pass by before she could call a cab. She told me she wasn't certain where she was supposed to be going, it was the Detox Centre she said, they know I am coming. I told her it sounded like the Recovery Centre, she was okay with that and we were on our way.

During our short trip she told me she was a student at the Community College in Stephenville. She was training to be a cook and so far she was doing quite well, with a 95 average. She then told me that she was an alcoholic and she had been since her early teens. "I don't want to go home for Christmas" she said, "I really want to finish my program and become a cook, and if I go home I am afraid that I might drink again. I didn't want to come all the way across the province to St. John's, but the folks at the College didn't want me to be alone on Campus for the holidays. So it is better for me to come here and be with strangers than to go home and risk losing all that I have gained". All of this was related to me with a smile. She seemed so content with her lot in life and whatever it took to succeed, she was going to do it. When we got to the Recovery Centre, I told her that before she took her things out of the car, to ring the doorbell and make sure they have a spot for you. She spoke to the girl at the door and with a huge smile on her face she came bounding down over the steps to tell me "they were waiting for me, they knew I was coming."

If my commitment to my recovery could only be that strong. I try harder than before, but I have a feeling that if I had been in her shoes, I would have went home and taken the risk. For most addicts that is the problem. We want it to be easy. We want the quick fix. We want everybody to love us, forgive us and reward us. It took years to destroy our lives and it will take years to repair our lives. Along the way we are going to have to make some very tough choices. Choices that over the long haul will make us stronger, but in the short-term they will be very difficult. Having said that, I think that deciding not to go home for Christmas and be with your family and friends, that is a choice that very few of us could make.

Here I am, sitting in the comfort of my home on Christmas Eve, thankful for everything I have in my life. I can't help but think that just a few miles away, a young girl is lying on her pillow, thankful for everything she has in her life. How do I know? Her smile told me so.

Merry Christmas little girl, what a great cook your going to be!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

The People Who Love Us

"Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end." - Author Unknown

Can you hear it? Their voice that is. The sound of fear and apprehension as they try and form the words that they are afraid to speak. Did you take the money out of my account? Is the mortgage paid? Where is your cheque? Do we have enough money for groceries? Questions they ask out of fear and answers that they really don't want to hear. But they ask us and we awkwardly search for the appropriate lie. As we relate another half-hearted story their stomach churns and a sickly feeling overcomes them. Why? How? Will this ever end? Can I take anymore? What are we going to do for Christmas?

I can still hear my wife's voice. In a way it haunts me. I can still see her face. Dispair, fear, loss of hope, confusion, anger, but beneath it all, there was always love. Why? How? Will it ever end? Can I abuse it anymore? What is she going to do for Christmas? The people who love us, the addict that is, love us because they know a different person than the addict. They love us because they know deep down there is a great deal of good inside each one of us. They love us because they live with a hope that we will find our former lives and one day the real husband, the real wife, the real father, the real mother, the real son, the real daughter, the real friend, will come home to stay.

Today, in Newfoundland & Labrador, in Canada and around the world, what I have just written is taking place. An addict is coming home, a loved one is fearing the worst and a lie is being told. Christmas, and everything it represents is left in the balance. But they still love us. My life is so rich today because of my wife, my children and a few very dedicated friends, that my heart weeps for those reaching out for help and unable to find it. We focus all our energies on the addict. The suffering, however extends far beyond the gambler, or the alcoholic or the needle pusher. The suffering extends to our spouses, our children, our parents and our friends. When the statistics are being done, all of these people are being left out of the equation. We need to remember that when the gambler puts that dollar in, many people suffer. When the alcoholic pours that drink, many people suffer. When the drug addict empties that syringe, many people suffer.

Whoever reads this, please do me a personal favour. This Christmas remember them all.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Do You Believe?

"He who does not know how to believe, should not know." - Antonio Porchia

Do you believe? In what you ask? Yourself, your family, your friends, your abilities, your faith, your future, Santa Claus, your recovery, your thoughts or anything else you deal with on a daily basis. Believing has become the focal point of my recovery. Why? Because my addiction to gambling stole everything that was decent in my life and if I can't believe that my hard work will return me to the person I was, than why bother. Believing in yourself, whether you are recovering from an addiction or just trying to make your way in life, is the first criteria to peace of mind. For me, my ego was my enemy. But when you fail in life, as I have, your ego takes quite a beating and only those who have the courage to accept who they truly are, will survive.

I believe though, that survival is not enough. I deserve better and so does my family. That is why today, I question everything I do. I try to ensure that my motives are correct, my purpose is honest, and that my beliefs are based on facts and not on wishful thinking. I have put every character defect that I have under the microscope. I have tried to be brutally honest with myself, challenging every thought and every conclusion. You may ask why is everything about me? It has to be or I can be of no use to anyone else. I have to fix me first. I have to fix the gambler. I have to take control of my own life, take responsiblity for fixing my defects. The people who have stood by me, encouraged me, supported me and loved me, deserve no less.

Every night when I lay my head on my pillow, I review my failures and my successes for that day, and I thank God for both. I then ask to be able to learn from my failures and be thankful for my progress. When I wake the next morning, I just say a simple thank you for the opportunity to try again. If I add anything else to the mix, it causes me to miss the most important things in life. By simplifying life in this manner, the really important things in this world gain a certain clarity. My gambling addiction has caused me much misery, but today, the benefits of my recovery, are giving me a new happiness, a new lease on life. It is often said that everything in life happens for a reason. For me, without the knowledge of my weaknesses, without my many failures, without the crushing of my ego, I would never experience fully the gifts that are in my life today.

This brings me to Santa Claus. For children, Santa Claus is all about believing. They believe in the reindeer, the elves, the soot in the chimney and the crumbs he leaves on the plate after finishing the cookies. They believe because they trust what we tell them. They believe because of their innocence. We could learn a lot of lessons from our children. As we rush around this Christmas season, cutting people off, cursing and swearing at all the people in our way, and saying we have the Christmas spirit but failing to prove it, we should think of our children. Their belief in a bearded old man, brings a smile to their faces. Our love for them should bring a smile to our faces. We need to find the child inside of us, we need to find the miracle that happens when you believe. Whether you think about that "child" in the manger or that "child" inside of you, believe.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Do You Have A Problem

"The chains of habit are generally to small to be felt until they become to strong to be broken. - Samuel Johnson

For the most part we all have habitual tendencies. What we eat for breakfast, our favourite restaurant, the way we dress, the way we position ourselves to sleep, the toothpaste we use, and on and on it goes. The reason it is so difficult to make changes in our society is because of our resistance to interrupt our daily rituals. We ask people to cover their garbage and the uproar that follows is similiar to asking people to only eat on weekends. We are so comfortable in the way we do things that any hint of change creates a negative reaction.

So is it any wonder why an addict has such a difficult time quitting their individual vice. Society looks at an addict and says thank God I am not like them. As they are saying this they perform another habitual exercise in their daily life. As a compulsive gambler, I have acknowledged my weaknesses, and the fact that I am powerless over gambling. Any attempt to gamble will send my life into complete disarray. As a smoker, I also acknowledged my weakness, however with willpower and determination, I was able to quit. Today I use that same willpower and determination to stay clean from gambling. I cannot use the word quit when it comes to gambling, I can only say I will not gamble today.

Each day now is an exercise in change for me. I have made an inventory of my weaknesses and each day I work on making myself stronger. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually I try to move myself forward. Some days I fail, some days I take small steps forward, but every day I try. The amazing thing for me is that "change" is good. Changing my weaknesses into strengths enables me to be a little stronger when it comes to my addictions. My recommendation to anyone reading this is to do your own inventory. Take a long, serious and indepth look in the mirror. Seek out those negative habits in your life. If you start working on your weaknesses you will be amazed at your strengths.

Drugs, alcohol, gambling, and smoking are all negative vices and if we cannot abstain from them or control our use of them our lives will become unmanageable. For the addict these are the major vices, however we can also add a host of other traits that cause us both pain and discomfort. To be free from our addiction we need to do more than just quit, we need to change the addict. We need to look deep inside ourselves to find who we really are and who we want to become. I invite each one of you to do the same.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Our Actions

"The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation or no apology." - Red Auerbach

As I move deeper and deeper into my recovery, my thoughts are becoming more in tune with where I want to go with my life. For reasons beyond my comprehension, my thought process has always been mostly negative, which has lead me to a path of self-distruction. Since my focus has been on trying to change the gambler, as opposed to just trying to quit gambling, I have had steady progress in the development of a positive state of mind. The consequence of this positive state of mind are positive actions.

Before going any further, however, let me make it perfectly clear that this entire process could take the rest of my life. Every day there are challenges to maintaining a positive attitude. Also, you need to consider the fact that my inner most thoughts were developed over a forty plus year period, so changing the person is far more complicated than just saying it is what you want to achieve. I believe that my actions are my responsibility. I believe that my thoughts are also under my control and I can choose to act on them if I wish. The problem that I have is with the actions of others and my response to those actions.

For me to be successful in my abstinence from gambling, I need to maintain a positive attitude and I need to be around people who say what they are doing and do what they are saying. The first goal, of maintaining a positive attitude at all times, is paramount to my abstinence. Everyone can appreciate the fact that when we are in a positive state of mind we are able to move our lives forward in the same positive state. In achieving this goal, my actions will be positive as well. This will benefit not only myself personally, but also my family, my friends and everyone else I encounter on a daily basis.

The second part of this equation is not as simple. Why? Because, just as my actions are a result of my mindset, others people's actions are a result of their mindset. Control of other people's actions is in their hands, not in mine, so therefore I need to be very keen when dealing with other people. I cannot let other people define who I am. I cannot let other people's actions, no matter how inconsiderate they are, control my mindset. The biggest error, however, would be to allow other people's actions to move me away from where it is I want to go in the future. Based on this fact, I have some very important decisions to make about my future. I need to surround myself with like-minded people, whose ultimate goal in life is to improve the quality of their own actions, so as to positively impact on the people that surround them. I believe that it is only by doing this that we can help both ourselves and the people we want to reach out to in our daily affairs.