Fear
"Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light?" - Maurice Freehill
There is nothing more stupid in life, than a person who knows what is right and what is wrong, who understands the consequences of their decision, and goes ahead and chooses the wrong answer. That is me. For here I am in 2003, in a situation that most sane people would look at as a miracle, and I return to gambling. After everything that had gone on in the past eight years, after just buying a new home in October of 2003, and I celebrate everything that is good in my life by putting even more money in those machines.
Now I rationalized this, as not being such a bad thing, by going for short periods of time and limiting how much I was spending. Of course , we gamblers, we don't take into account the time away from our work and family as a loss. No, if it is not in the shape of money, we don't see the loss. We don't see what it is doing to us on the inside either. We don't see the mental distruction, the continued loss of self-worth or the eventual negative impact on our family. Why? It is either we don't care about ourselves and those we love or it is because we are afraid to take that next step.
From where I am sitting today, I can tell you with absolute certainty, it is fear. It is one thing to stop gambling, but it is a whole new beginning to take that next step and change the person responsible for all those poor decisions. From my experiences in life, and they are many and varied, nearly every person has a fear of change. You disrupt a person's environment, and the bells and whistles start going off. The world as we know it is going to end. For whatever reason, we do not see change as a positive.
Well, if there is one thing about my life that I am going to discover, whether I like it or not, things are going to change. As each day passes, as 2003 moves into 2004, as I become even more involved with my gambling again, as I need help from time to time to put out a fire or two that my gambling is causing, change is going to take place. As my wife and I grow further apart, as my children begin to get frustrated with my inability to control this addiction, as my employer grows impatient with my tardiness, change is going to take place. The decision that I had to make in January of 2000 was extremely difficult, and looking back on it, there is no doubt it saved my life. The decision that I needed to make now though was far more important. Though I wasn't aware of it at the time, my next decision would change my life forever.
If you are out there today and any part of your life is off key, if there is something in your life that you need to quit, take it from me, stopping is not enough. In my next few entries I will begin to relate to you how my life has finally changed. The real story in all of this is not the events that took me through nearly ten years of hell, the real story in all of this began in December of 2004 and involves three very special and unique people. The real story in all of this, is about the power of love, and how three beautiful people saved their father's life. Until we meet again, my name is John, and I am a compulsive gambler.
There is nothing more stupid in life, than a person who knows what is right and what is wrong, who understands the consequences of their decision, and goes ahead and chooses the wrong answer. That is me. For here I am in 2003, in a situation that most sane people would look at as a miracle, and I return to gambling. After everything that had gone on in the past eight years, after just buying a new home in October of 2003, and I celebrate everything that is good in my life by putting even more money in those machines.
Now I rationalized this, as not being such a bad thing, by going for short periods of time and limiting how much I was spending. Of course , we gamblers, we don't take into account the time away from our work and family as a loss. No, if it is not in the shape of money, we don't see the loss. We don't see what it is doing to us on the inside either. We don't see the mental distruction, the continued loss of self-worth or the eventual negative impact on our family. Why? It is either we don't care about ourselves and those we love or it is because we are afraid to take that next step.
From where I am sitting today, I can tell you with absolute certainty, it is fear. It is one thing to stop gambling, but it is a whole new beginning to take that next step and change the person responsible for all those poor decisions. From my experiences in life, and they are many and varied, nearly every person has a fear of change. You disrupt a person's environment, and the bells and whistles start going off. The world as we know it is going to end. For whatever reason, we do not see change as a positive.
Well, if there is one thing about my life that I am going to discover, whether I like it or not, things are going to change. As each day passes, as 2003 moves into 2004, as I become even more involved with my gambling again, as I need help from time to time to put out a fire or two that my gambling is causing, change is going to take place. As my wife and I grow further apart, as my children begin to get frustrated with my inability to control this addiction, as my employer grows impatient with my tardiness, change is going to take place. The decision that I had to make in January of 2000 was extremely difficult, and looking back on it, there is no doubt it saved my life. The decision that I needed to make now though was far more important. Though I wasn't aware of it at the time, my next decision would change my life forever.
If you are out there today and any part of your life is off key, if there is something in your life that you need to quit, take it from me, stopping is not enough. In my next few entries I will begin to relate to you how my life has finally changed. The real story in all of this is not the events that took me through nearly ten years of hell, the real story in all of this began in December of 2004 and involves three very special and unique people. The real story in all of this, is about the power of love, and how three beautiful people saved their father's life. Until we meet again, my name is John, and I am a compulsive gambler.
posted by Taximan at 10:01 AM
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