Happiness Inside the Box
"It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to." - Annie Gottlier
Looking back on the period of time from July 2000 to July 2003 it seems like a blur, but what happened during that time is indicative of what happens to most addicts. Remember, I quit gambling prior to my losing my job, in the hope of making things right. Today, however, I believe that maybe the reason for my quitting was because I ran out of ways to get money. After June of 2000, when my wife knew about my legal problems and we had moved our family to St. John's, everything inside of me basicly shut down.
The next thirty-six months I existed. I built a wonderful little box around myself, set the rules for who would be allowed in and convinced myself that I was right. Instead of changing my life and trying to rebuild my life, I put up walls. After the legal matters were dealt with, I became a person that few people would be able to live with. A few words to describe my personality could be, arrogant, ignorant, self-absorbed, angry, embarrassed, lonely, aloof, selfish, tormented, and I could keep going. Why? Because I was doing things right for the first time in my life, or so I thought, and nobody was appreciating my commitment. Once again everything was about me.
There were a few times when I tried to open up a little, but this only happened when my territory was challenged. I tried coaching again, but I didn't enjoy it like before. Every now and then I would try to appease my wife by going house hunting or taking her out for a night. What I didn't realize was that she was moving on with her life. She had enough of the self-pity and poor me attitude. I had isolated not only myself but her as well. Before this period of time, the thought of losing my wife would cause panic, but now I could rationalize that maybe it would be the best for all concerned.
Without dragging out this part of my story any further, the point is I didn't want to quit, I was forced to quit. I had rationalized everything to the point where I was the victim. I didn't really care what was going on in other people's lives, just leave me alone inside my box and let me live my life. Of course you know what happened next. After losing my business, losing my home, losing my job, bankruptcy, legal problems, suicide attempt and everything else that these machines had done to my life - I started gambling again. I returned to the only place in the world where I was truly comfortable, sitting in front of my favourite machine and asking it not to be to mean to me. Why? Because my name is John and I am a compulsive gambler and I had done absolutely nothing to change that fact.
Looking back on the period of time from July 2000 to July 2003 it seems like a blur, but what happened during that time is indicative of what happens to most addicts. Remember, I quit gambling prior to my losing my job, in the hope of making things right. Today, however, I believe that maybe the reason for my quitting was because I ran out of ways to get money. After June of 2000, when my wife knew about my legal problems and we had moved our family to St. John's, everything inside of me basicly shut down.
The next thirty-six months I existed. I built a wonderful little box around myself, set the rules for who would be allowed in and convinced myself that I was right. Instead of changing my life and trying to rebuild my life, I put up walls. After the legal matters were dealt with, I became a person that few people would be able to live with. A few words to describe my personality could be, arrogant, ignorant, self-absorbed, angry, embarrassed, lonely, aloof, selfish, tormented, and I could keep going. Why? Because I was doing things right for the first time in my life, or so I thought, and nobody was appreciating my commitment. Once again everything was about me.
There were a few times when I tried to open up a little, but this only happened when my territory was challenged. I tried coaching again, but I didn't enjoy it like before. Every now and then I would try to appease my wife by going house hunting or taking her out for a night. What I didn't realize was that she was moving on with her life. She had enough of the self-pity and poor me attitude. I had isolated not only myself but her as well. Before this period of time, the thought of losing my wife would cause panic, but now I could rationalize that maybe it would be the best for all concerned.
Without dragging out this part of my story any further, the point is I didn't want to quit, I was forced to quit. I had rationalized everything to the point where I was the victim. I didn't really care what was going on in other people's lives, just leave me alone inside my box and let me live my life. Of course you know what happened next. After losing my business, losing my home, losing my job, bankruptcy, legal problems, suicide attempt and everything else that these machines had done to my life - I started gambling again. I returned to the only place in the world where I was truly comfortable, sitting in front of my favourite machine and asking it not to be to mean to me. Why? Because my name is John and I am a compulsive gambler and I had done absolutely nothing to change that fact.
posted by Taximan at 10:11 AM
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