Spirituality

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." - Martin Luther King Jr.

Where does Faith stand in an addictive person's life? Does Spirituality need to be a part of the rebuilding stage in a person's life? Is there a difference between Spirituality and Religion? While there is no way that I can answer these questions in a general all inclusive manner, I can address how each has affected my life. You are permitted to disagree, you are even permitted to laugh a little to yourself, but please never doubt the impact that faith and spirituality has had on my life.

Faith is what got me to Gambler's Anonymous. Faith helped me climb that stairs to my first meeting. Faith brought me back to Gambler's Anonymous each time that I failed. Faith kept me from driving my car into the pond that night. Faith helped me admit that I was powerless over my life. For me, had it not been for my belief that there had to be a better way, maybe I wouldn't be writing in this blog tonight. Was it easy? Never. Did I have my doubts? Always. But my faith in a Higher Power, my constant belief that there was someone there to help me, was the first step in placing me where I am today. My recovery is where it is today because I believe.

Spirituality took over when I finally admitted that I couldn't do this anymore. When I finally said that I wanted to quit, for real, when I finally embraced the program that Gambler's Anonymous offered, that is when spirituality took over. When I realized just how weak I was when it came to gambling, when I realized that I needed help, when I finally had the courage to ask for help, that is when my life began to change. By the way, change didn't take place overnight. There was nothing magical about it. There were no flashing lights or claps of thunder. There was a lot of hard work. There are a lot of sleepless nights. There were times when I didn't think any good would ever come from this change in direction. But I kept asking for help, I kept working hard on the areas of my life that I needed to change, and while I am not there yet or even close, things are a whole lot better than ever before in my life.

For me, a Religion is something that you are a part of, and Spirituality is something that is a part of you. Many people write on forms, applications, certificates and a whole host of documents what their Religion is. Some people even talk out loud about their particular Religion. Some will criticize their own Religion, others will criticize the other persons Religion, but nowhere does it say that because you are this Religion or that Religion you are spiritual. For me, one has little or nothing to do with the other. My spirituality belongs to me. It is not something for me to advertise or brag about. It is a feeling, a belief that I have that everything is going to be okay. If I work hard, admit to my shortcomings, help those that I can help, be honest with myself and others, and live life today. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never be mine, today is all I have and I will not waste it.

The Child Becomes The Parent

"Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted." - Paul Peershall

I have thought about this entry for a long time. It is very important that you, the reader, extract from this the real story, the true story. It could be your story. I don't want this to be taken out of context. While I am very proud of my children, this is not about bragging. This is about three young adults, who, using the skill sets that they had developed, together with the love they had for their father, extended that helping hand.

It is December 2004 and once again I am on the run. Still gambling, still lying, still afraid, and in my own mind a complete failure. (As you can see self-pity continues to be a part of my addiction.) To me, it looked very much like I had run out of luck. It was time to pack my bags and move on. But then the phone rang and just has had happened in the past, another miracle began to take place. Starting with my daughter and moving on to my two sons, they each in their own way expressed themselves. They were stern in their comments, but full of love in their offers to help and support me. Another Christmas was saved, however the true extent of their commitment was yet to come.

In January 2005, the effect of several months of gambling came into effect and I was once again in financial trouble. If it were not for the financial assistance of my son, who knows what the next step would have been for me. Between February and July of 2005 I continued to gamble on occasion, however each time it was having a devastating effect on my entire system. By this point in my addiction, sitting in front of those machines was not a place to gamble, but a place to hide. My self-esteem was destroyed, I had manipulated every person who had befriended me, even my family was running out of options.

The crazy thing about all of this was that I really wanted to stop, I really wanted to make a change in my life. In July of 2005 I had just left a club where I had spent the last couple of hours wasting my life away, when my phone rang. My youngest son was on the other end asking if I could come home for a few minutes because he needed to talk to me. What I didn't know was that while I was in the club, my daughter had been in the area and seen my car. When I got to our home, before I could get out of the car, my son came running out of the house saying he would rather speak to me alone. We drove to a nearby parking lot and what happened next will reasonate with me for the rest of my life.

My youngest child, the kid I coached, played hoops in the backyard with, looked at me and asked "Dad are you still gambling?" What happened next was a tremendous outburst of anger, not directed at him, but rather at me. How could one man be so stupid? Here I was surrounded by so much love. He told me again that day, the same thing that my oldest son had told me when he reached out to help me, the same thing that my daughter told me the day I visited her apartment, we love you and we will do anything we can to help you, but you have to help yourself first. That was the last day I gambled.

To my three children and my wife, thank you.

The Past

"What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now." - Author Unknown

Sorry folks, but I need to deal with this matter before I continue with my story. Once again, my history has come back to haunt me. My life seems to just move along, uneventful for the most part, than out of nowhere something happens to throw me off track. When this happens, instead of dealing with whatever the issue is about, I seem to allow myself to revert back to my old way of thinking. This pattern has repeated itself far to often and if I fail to harness these flare-ups, eventually one of them will cause me to make a few very poor decisions.

Dr. Wayne Dyer uses the following example in teaching you to deal with your personal history. "When a speedboat zooms across the surface of the water, there's a white foamy froth behind it that's called the wake of the boat. The wake is nothing more than the trail that's left behind." He suggests that " the wake of your life is nothing more than a trail that's left behind you." The wake of a boat cannot move the boat forward, anymore than your personal history can move you forward.

What I need to learn, and I guess what we all need to learn, is that our personal history is nothing more than a reference point. This is one of those lessons that can apply to everyone. If we live in the past, or if we live in the future, we lose something very special, we lose the now. I was halfway through my walk today when I realized that I was concentrating so much on my problem, that I was missing out on a beautiful morning.

Today I have allowed myself to learn a very important lesson. My addiction to gambling, by causing such devastation and personal turmoil, can now be used as a positive instead of a negative. By allowing my Higher Power to deal with these flare-ups, I can concentrate on the important things in my life today. By being vigilant in dealing with these fires in the here and now, I can be very pro-active in dealing with the real issues of today. You and I deserve no less.

Fear

"Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light?" - Maurice Freehill

There is nothing more stupid in life, than a person who knows what is right and what is wrong, who understands the consequences of their decision, and goes ahead and chooses the wrong answer. That is me. For here I am in 2003, in a situation that most sane people would look at as a miracle, and I return to gambling. After everything that had gone on in the past eight years, after just buying a new home in October of 2003, and I celebrate everything that is good in my life by putting even more money in those machines.

Now I rationalized this, as not being such a bad thing, by going for short periods of time and limiting how much I was spending. Of course , we gamblers, we don't take into account the time away from our work and family as a loss. No, if it is not in the shape of money, we don't see the loss. We don't see what it is doing to us on the inside either. We don't see the mental distruction, the continued loss of self-worth or the eventual negative impact on our family. Why? It is either we don't care about ourselves and those we love or it is because we are afraid to take that next step.

From where I am sitting today, I can tell you with absolute certainty, it is fear. It is one thing to stop gambling, but it is a whole new beginning to take that next step and change the person responsible for all those poor decisions. From my experiences in life, and they are many and varied, nearly every person has a fear of change. You disrupt a person's environment, and the bells and whistles start going off. The world as we know it is going to end. For whatever reason, we do not see change as a positive.

Well, if there is one thing about my life that I am going to discover, whether I like it or not, things are going to change. As each day passes, as 2003 moves into 2004, as I become even more involved with my gambling again, as I need help from time to time to put out a fire or two that my gambling is causing, change is going to take place. As my wife and I grow further apart, as my children begin to get frustrated with my inability to control this addiction, as my employer grows impatient with my tardiness, change is going to take place. The decision that I had to make in January of 2000 was extremely difficult, and looking back on it, there is no doubt it saved my life. The decision that I needed to make now though was far more important. Though I wasn't aware of it at the time, my next decision would change my life forever.

If you are out there today and any part of your life is off key, if there is something in your life that you need to quit, take it from me, stopping is not enough. In my next few entries I will begin to relate to you how my life has finally changed. The real story in all of this is not the events that took me through nearly ten years of hell, the real story in all of this began in December of 2004 and involves three very special and unique people. The real story in all of this, is about the power of love, and how three beautiful people saved their father's life. Until we meet again, my name is John, and I am a compulsive gambler.

Happiness Inside the Box

"It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to." - Annie Gottlier

Looking back on the period of time from July 2000 to July 2003 it seems like a blur, but what happened during that time is indicative of what happens to most addicts. Remember, I quit gambling prior to my losing my job, in the hope of making things right. Today, however, I believe that maybe the reason for my quitting was because I ran out of ways to get money. After June of 2000, when my wife knew about my legal problems and we had moved our family to St. John's, everything inside of me basicly shut down.

The next thirty-six months I existed. I built a wonderful little box around myself, set the rules for who would be allowed in and convinced myself that I was right. Instead of changing my life and trying to rebuild my life, I put up walls. After the legal matters were dealt with, I became a person that few people would be able to live with. A few words to describe my personality could be, arrogant, ignorant, self-absorbed, angry, embarrassed, lonely, aloof, selfish, tormented, and I could keep going. Why? Because I was doing things right for the first time in my life, or so I thought, and nobody was appreciating my commitment. Once again everything was about me.

There were a few times when I tried to open up a little, but this only happened when my territory was challenged. I tried coaching again, but I didn't enjoy it like before. Every now and then I would try to appease my wife by going house hunting or taking her out for a night. What I didn't realize was that she was moving on with her life. She had enough of the self-pity and poor me attitude. I had isolated not only myself but her as well. Before this period of time, the thought of losing my wife would cause panic, but now I could rationalize that maybe it would be the best for all concerned.

Without dragging out this part of my story any further, the point is I didn't want to quit, I was forced to quit. I had rationalized everything to the point where I was the victim. I didn't really care what was going on in other people's lives, just leave me alone inside my box and let me live my life. Of course you know what happened next. After losing my business, losing my home, losing my job, bankruptcy, legal problems, suicide attempt and everything else that these machines had done to my life - I started gambling again. I returned to the only place in the world where I was truly comfortable, sitting in front of my favourite machine and asking it not to be to mean to me. Why? Because my name is John and I am a compulsive gambler and I had done absolutely nothing to change that fact.