Trust

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough." - Frank Crane

Is there any other word that carries with it the weight of the word "trust"? The word is loaded and when you use it to describe an individual, it tells the world what you think of that person. Webster's Dictionary states that trust is "reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone", "placing confidence", "dependence", "faith" - wow, all of this from one five letter word. Have you ever had the trust of someone and lost it? Have you ever lost the trust of someone and regained it? Which was easier?

Due to my past, any number of people have lost their trust in me. When I tried to regain that trust, patience was my enemy. What I needed to do was take the time and make the effort to demonstrate to people that I could be trusted again. Instead, I would become impatient and continue to erode any faith that people still had in me. My needs became more important than those of people I was suppose to love and I was unwilling to make even the smallest sacrifice to regain their confidence in me.

Then, after I quit gambling, the trust that I had placed in someone for many years, was put in doubt. Placed in doubt by me, by my negative thinking, and most likely by a subconscious desire for this person to be more like me. Your mind can actually do this. You can create imaginary events to reinforce your own beliefs. The more you create, the more vivid the events become, before you know it, the imaginary is your new reality. As I put in place the character changes that I felt were required, I began to question all of these mind games that I was playing. I placed myself in the other person's shoes, the person who for hundreds of solid, verifiable reasons, had lost their trust in me, and began to wonder how this person was feeling.

Based on my experiences, today I have a much clearer understanding of the word trust and what is required by people on both sides of this mighty word, to trust and to be trusted. For me, I need to trust myself, I need to believe in my ability to trust and be trusted. The trust of other people can then be regained over time, with patience, understanding and a belief in my own behaviour. The trust that I have in other people will continue to mature over time, as I continue to mature.

A gambling addiction takes more than our money. Quitting gambling requires a great deal more as well. In order to solidify our abstinence we must wake up every day with the belief that we can be a better person than we were yesterday. As our time away from the machine continues to grow, so to must our individual characters continue to grow. Trust that person who is closest to you, trust that person who understands you the best, trust that person who believes in "One Day at a Time", trust that person who looks at you in the mirror, trust yourself.

Fear of Failure

"Fear knocked at the door. Love answered and no one was there." - Author Unknown

A few months ago I wrote about fear as it relates to "change" and "taking the next step". My belief was and still is today, that quitting is the easy part, taking the next step and changing the gambler, the person, is the hard part. Now that I have implemented some of the changes to my character, a very difficult task, I am faced with another obstacle, the "fear of failure". What you need to understand is, that as I look at my life today, I am an infant, a newborn, entering areas of my life, that until recently, were foreign territory. Every day, that is given to me now, I attempt to treat it as a gift, and as with any gift, I cherish it. My goal in each new day, is to take a look around the corner, seek the unknown, test my abilities, utilize the gifts that have been given to me, and hopefully by the end of the day, maybe I will learn to walk.

The door that keeps slamming me in the face today however, is fear. Fear of failure, fear of slipping, fear of losing, fear of taking the chance that I won't fail. We all have those little people who sit on our shoulders, one saying yes you can, the other, putting you down, and saying no you can't. The optimist, reminding you of your abilities, reinforcing your confidence with words of encouragement and visions of what can be achieved. The pessimist, wagging his finger, reminding you of your past, snickering at the very thought of success. The result, another day dawns, the gift of life and opportunity is presented, the snickering clouds your vision, and as dusk approaches, the last seconds of another day, slowly tick away. Then, you lay there in your bed, praying for another day, another opportunity, pushing hard against the weight of your sleepy eyes, fearing that your meter is about to expire.

What bewilders me and befuddles my mind is that I should know the difference. But for me, taking that risk, putting myself out there, is very difficult. There was a time in my life that I relished those opportunities, challenge me and I would respond in spades. My ego was on bust. Today is different, today I try to ensure that everything I do is motivated from within. The problem with this however, is there can be too much caution, too much examination. A book that I am currently reading, talks about the myth of failure. It states that failure is an illusion and that no one ever fails at anything. The author, Wayne Dyer, believes that everything you do produces a result. The question is what do you do with the results that you produce. He believes that failure is a judgement, an opinion. He says that it comes from your fears, and it can be eliminated by love for yourself, love for what you do and love for others. Sounds pretty simple, almost infantile, but then again, I am an infant.

So, what do I do? Do I continue receiving those daily gifts, only to let them pass through my hands? Do I take action and move forward with my dreams and see exactly what can be achieved? Maybe the secret to my future is lurking in the dark recesses of my past. Maybe if I adopt the same energy, the same commitment, the same fearless bravado that I possessed when I was gambling, maybe that next step won't be so hard after all. I certainly had no fear of losing, no fear of failure or no fear taking a risk when I was spending every minute of every day gambling. The energy that was required to fuel the destruction of my life as I knew it, was intense, surely today I can muster the energy and the courage to utilize the gifts that I continue to receive. Gifts without conditions, I might add.

It is obvious what needs to be done. Action in place of inaction, risk instead of complacency, gift giving instead of receiving, optimism instead of pessimism, and faith instead of faithless. You may not believe me, but I have been about two years now playing out in my mind what I want to do with my future. I understand there is a need, a huge need, and I believe deep down inside that I can help, but I just can't seem to pull the trigger. Could it be that my own opinion of my preordained failure, is my only stumbling block? Could it be that I am author, publisher and printer of my own inaction? And here I am, another day, an over abundance of gifts, a burning desire, a little snickering from the cheap seats.....................how much time did you say was left on that meter?

Excuses, Faults in Uniform

"Bad men excuse their faults; good men abandon them." - Author Unknown

For most of my life I have had an excuse for everything. I could create an excuse in the blink of an eye. Often I would anticipate the query and create any number of excuses, settling on what I thought would be the most acceptable. Looking back, I don't recall feeling guilty. Many times I believe I used an excuse just because I could. You name the character flaw and I had an excuse for why I had it and why I couldn't change it.

Jonathan Swift said "an excuse is a lie guarded". I find this interesting because when I was gambling, I told lies even when the truth would be accepted. To find out today that most of my excuses were lies as well, really highlights just how confused we become when a vice, such as gambling, takes over our life. If you think about your own life and begin paying attention to how you respond to certain questions, you will see just how often you use an excuse for an answer. Deep down inside you know the real answer to the question, and you don't mean to be dishonest, it is just easier to use an excuse. Sort of protects your integrity, or maybe it causes you to lose your integrity, depending on your vantage point. The reason I say this is because 99% of the time the person you are telling your excuse to, accepts it for exactly what it is, an excuse. It could be your boss, a co-worker, your spouse, your child, your friend or a bill collector, we are all very adept at recognizing an excuse.

Excuses became today's topic because of something that happened at work. I had just dropped off a passenger and was heading for the closest gas station to make a pit stop when the dispatcher said - "now boys and girls don't forget your 649 tickets, 20 million tonight". There was a number of comments from various drivers, however I continued on my journey paying little attention to what was being said. When I was leaving the gas station I noticed the big sign advertising the 20 million as tonight's prize. Then, as I was getting in my car, it happened, the most dangerous thought that a compulsive gambler can have, maybe I should buy a ticket.

In the next two minutes a number of thoughts went through my mind. First I considered if I should buy a ticket. Then I wondered would it result in me buying even more tickets in the future. Then I began to think about what would happen if I won any amount of money. How would I explain the ticket? How would I explain the money? Then, just like a well oiled machine, the excuses started entering my thought process. Each excuse better than the previous one, more believable, more acceptable, more like a lie. Just as quick as all of this started, the work that I have done throughout my recovery kicked in and solid reasons, instead of lame excuses, returned me to reality.

As a compulsive gambler, my reality today has to be about honesty, especially on a personal level. Everyone understands that maybe you can fool the odd person every now and then, but you cannot fool the person in the mirror. If I had purchased a ticket tonight, I would have to turn my back to the mirror tomorrow morning. There is a good side to this story. The Gamblers Anonymous Program works. If you commit yourself to the Program, use the Steps as your daily guide, you can achieve and maintain your abstinence. Each and every day you open your eyes, commit to "One Day at a Time", commit to living the Step Program, commit to accepting the fact you have no control over your vice, and you will achieve the ultimate reward, another twenty-four hours free to live your life in peace.

At The Crossroads

"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn." - David Russell

My wife and I went to see the Ennis Sisters on Saturday night and one of the songs they performed was from their new CD. The song titled "Crossroads" was written at a time when the three sisters considered going their own separate ways. As I listened to the lyrics I couldn't help but think how many times in my own life I have been at the crossroad, thinking about leaving someone I loved very much as opposed to staying and risking hurting her again. The difficulty for me as a gambler, is the constant memory of my past, held in contrast against what could be a wonderful future.

As a sensible person I realize that in exchange for that first bet, what I would be actually risking is my family, our home, my job, my sanity, and probably my life. I am also very aware of the pure enjoyment I receive from seeing a smile on her face and the look of contentment in her eyes. Life can be so fulfilling and so rewarding, but in a millisecond, there are those thoughts, slithering ever so quietly, like a snake on its' belly, into the dark recesses of your mind. Telling you your going to fail, inspiring you to move backward, retelling the stories of your past, making them so vivid, that for a moment you are there again. She doesn't really love you, you fool, haven't you been hurt enough. None of them loved you. You are an island, and if you don't protect yourself, no one else will.

Your mind, always creating the worse case. If you relent, within an hour, what you gained in eighteen months, can be lost. Then the tears come, then the self-pity, then the why. Before you know it your entire system, mentally, physically and emotionally is in freefall. You don't have the strength to succeed. Remember high school, remember your teens, remember your work history, remember your mistakes, thousands of them. Face it, you're a loser, living in a dream world. Your very own fantasy land. How long do you think it will be before you fail again?

Wait a minute. I can do it. I just need to try harder. Things will be okay. All I need to do is stay positive, one day at a time, follow the steps, come on man, you can do it.

The deeper I get in my recovery, the less frequent are these episodes. The problem I have now is, while the occurences are fewer, the effect is more damaging. There is an unrelenting pressure to succeed, not just in my abstinence, (which by the way is the easy part) but in every facet of my life. The upside of the story, for today, another bridge crossed and another bridge burned.

Choices

"People who do not see their choices do not believe they have choices. They tend to respond automatically, blindly influenced by their circumstances and conditioning. Mindfulness, by helping us notice our impulses before we act, gives us the opportunity to decide whether to act and how to act." - Gil Fronsdal

Please do me a favour, read the quote again. If you don't get it, read it again. In a nutshell it is what addictive people do - we respond automatically to our circumstances and our conditioning. Our recovery teaches us to stop, think before we act, realize the consequences of our actions before we act, and make a well thought out choice of action. Wait for a second, did I say that this is what addictive people do, I believe a large percentage of the population responds automatically and blindly, based on their circumstances and conditioning.

When all this began, I had the problem, I was causing the problems, my actions resulted in upheaval, my life was out of control, and I was a drag on the entire system. My choices at the time were definitely limited and thank God I chose the path I am on today. In the past eighteen months I have worked very, very hard to make what I would consider to be very limited progress. Others may believe, or wish to believe, that I have come full circle, but I am very cognizant of where I am in my recovery. My recovery has reached a very critical juncture. The time has come to look at the deep dark secrets of my past, figure out the why, and hopefully they will not be repeated again.

Can this be so difficult? Why is this so critical? Looking from the outside in, you may believe that all I need to do is continue my abstinence and everything will be okay. Wrong answer, if I don't follow through and complete the transformation of my character, if I don't make the tough decisions about my actions, as sure as there is snow in the Alps, I will repeat those negative actions again. And I also realize that while this may hurt other people, the devastating effect it will have on me, may result in a devastating outcome.

My difficulty today is how do I respond to the actions of others. What I am trying to do is articulate for other people how crucial it is to communicate their thoughts and their feelings. There needs to be a constant dialogue between those in recovery and those people who are closest to them, if the honesty and truth that both sides are seeking is to be achieved. I know, based on my past, the distress that was caused by my previous actions. My new choice of life, the decisions I make and the changes in character that I am trying to implement, are becoming increasingly difficult to make because I am unsure of the impact those choices will have on other people. I thought, as most people would, that the result would have a positive impact, but the feedback that I am receiving based on the actions of others, does not lead me to believe that the impact is very positive.

In my life today, when I am confronted with any type of negativity, a series of well conditioned thoughts begin creeping their way into my life. Because of the work that I have done in building a force within myself to fight this type of thinking, I am able to limit the impact they have on my life for today. The concern that I have, is no matter how much reconditioning I do, my subconscious still contains this old way of thinking. Based on this, will the day come again where my subconscious thoughts win the battle? To ensure that this never happens I need to continue building a safety net. My safety net has to include other people. People who are willing to share and be frank about their thoughts, their needs, their fears, their hopes and their dreams. Then and only then can real progress be made, real fears subdued and real dreams be explored.

To me it sounds very exciting. To me it means that all involved will stop responding blindly, based on conditioning and circumstances. To me it means opening our hearts and our minds to a new way of living. Most importantly, however, it means taking that very critical step on my road to recovery. A road where jay walking is the only form of "Gambling".