Acceptance

"When you are in a state of non-acceptance, it's difficult to learn. A clenched fist cannot receive a gift, and a clenched psyche -- grasped tightly against the reality of what must not be accepted -- cannot easily receive a lesson." - Roger John

The first step in Gamblers Anonymous is accepting the fact that you have lost the ability to gamble like other people. It asks us to admit we have a problem and by doing so we can begin our recovery. Hogwash, I said, the only reason I came here was to appease the people in my life. I am not like the rest of the people in this room, these people have a real problem, they should really get some help. So I stayed for a few meetings and when the pressure at home was gone, my attendance at the meetings was gone as well.

Sound familiar, it took me the better part of nine years to accept the fact that I had a real problem. During that same time, many of my fellow gamblers have climbed that stairs to attend a meeting for someone else, with a clenched psyche -- grasped tightly against the idea that they had a problem. Today, as I continue to attend my meetings, people come and go, unwilling to take that first step, admitting they have a problem. Why is it so difficult to accept this fact, that we are addicted to gambling? Why is it so difficult to look in the mirror and say I have a problem? What are we afraid of losing? How do we think our lives will change? Will we really be worse off than we are today?

Using my life as an example, you be the judge of whether I am worse off today than when I was gambling. Today my finances are in order and I am not afraid to answer the phone for fear that a bill collector may be calling. Today I don't need to lie about my daily activities and constantly have an alibi for my time away from home. Today my mind is clear as I don't have to live with the guilt and shame that my gambling caused me. A good night's sleep has replaced the nightmares and a solid vision for my future has replaced the self-hatred of my past. Today frowns have been replaced by smiles, fear has been replaced by hope, doubt has been replaced by a belief in my abilities and darkness has been replaced by light. Today I look up instead of down, ahead instead of backward and I am energetic instead of tired. My life today is the polar opposite to what it was when I was gambling.

The great thing about this is you can do the same as I have, accept the fact you have a problem. Accept the help that is there for the taking. Accept the freedom that comes with living your life free from gambling. Accept the people who still want to be a part of your life. Accept the person you really are, the person you truly want people to see, the person you used to be. Relax your fist, release the grasp on your psyche, be the best you can be -- be yourself!

Time Well Wasted

"It Strikes! One, two, three, four, five, six. Enough, enough, dear watch, thy pulse hath beat enough. Now sleep and rest; would thou could'st make the time to do so too, I'll wind thee up no more." - Ben Jonson

There is a TV station whose slogan is "Time Well Wasted", and it got me thinking about my time. How do I use it? What value do I put on it? Who do I let partake of it? Do I allow them to waste it? How much of it do I have left? Do I have enough to finish writing this entry? Will I get to see my granddaughter go to school? Better still will I get to see her graduate? All of these are very good questions and there are many more that could be added.

You see when I gave up gambling, for a very short period there was an abundance of time. Today, however this is not the case, mainly because of all the activities that have been added to my schedule. From my morning walk, to my time with my granddaughter, to my meetings and the time I spend working on my recovery, plus my job and the work I do around the house, my days are usually very full. But are they? What about the time I spend thinking about my current situation and how I can move myself forward? What about the time I spend worrying about my relationships with various people and if things are going to get better or worse? What about the time I waste thinking about all of the time I have wasted? Are any of these good uses of my time?

If there is one thing that I have learned since I stopped gambling, it is that being a good administrater of time does not mean that you will make good use of your time. Just when I think that I have most facets of my life in good working order, something happens that makes me feel very fragile. This in turn brings a level of fear into my life, which in turn causes worry, which in turn causes me to question most everything in my life, which in turn makes me believe that I am wasting a great deal of precious time. So, after all this fear, worrying, questioning and wasting, what am I left with?

After reading what I have just written it seems clear to me that I have to believe in the current choices that I am making. If I compare my life today against what my life was like a very short time ago, one could argue that my choices have been very good to date. No gambling, no smoking, healthy living, a financial contributor to my family, a vision of my future, the ability to live independently for the first time in a very long time and a renewed belief in my own abilities. Not to bad in less than two years. Maybe my time is not well wasted after all.

The moral of the story is that if you are free from your addiction, you are already doing better. If you are moving your life forward, even in very small steps, you are indeed on the right road. Don't over think, don't allow other people to make you over think and be happy with your progress, you deserve it!

Recovery Takes Time

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams

As you know by now I go for a walk every morning. Today as I was walking and thinking about my recovery, how it was going, how was I feeling, and other issues in my life that were raising red flags for me, I got to thinking about sunrises.

Each and every morning the sun rises. Nature has given it a preset time. Some days we can see it rise, other days it rises in the mask of clouds. But every day it rises. Some mornings the redness of its' rising fills the sky in anticipation of another miracle. Other mornings daylight comes as if from some hidden source. As we see the first signs of daylight flickering on the horizon, there is no rush, no sudden appearance, just a slow and steady push upwards, until we finally see its' beauty. Even on the coldest of days, when the sun shows itself to us we feel a certain heat, natures way of showing that she cares about our feelings. Though the sun shows patience in its arrival, its' perseverance can split the clouds and bring a bright light to a somewhat dreary day.

Our individual recovery can be a mimic of the sun. Everyday that we open our eyes it will be there with us. Some days we will feel so good that our entire system will feel rejuvenated. On other days it will be hard for us to take our head from the pillow. When other people bring us down, we need to try harder to push upward. We cannot bring other people's problems into our lives. We can help other people, but we cannot become weighted by their turmoil. Just as the sun has patience in waiting for that time of arrival, we to must have patience with our recovery and with the people in our lives. And just as the sun shows perseverance in coming into full view, we must have perseverance in committing to a full recovery.

Most of us want things to be better yesterday. Most of us want the sun to shine everyday, no clouds, no rain. Unfortunately life is not like that, some days we will be the source of the clouds in our lives and some days other people will bring us down. It is at those times that we need to be strong. Many times the people in our lives don't understand that they need to share their feelings with us. They don't understand that communication is freedom. Talking, discussing, debating and resolving, that is how we move our recovery forward and that is how the people in our lives can help us move our relationships forward. If not the sun will always be masked with a cloud.

So as you move forward with your day, whether you are an addict or not, think of the sun, because above the clouds every day is a beautiful day.

My Apple Tree

"Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree." - Martin Luther King Jr.

To me, this is what our recovery is all about, using our Recovery Program to teach us a new way of life. Teaching us each day to plant a new apple tree. Not living with the regrets of yesterday or worrying about the pitfalls of tomorrow, but living today. Planting seeds of hope, love, forgiveness, patience, courage and wisdom on our way to a better life.

How do we achieve this in our lives? How do we get past the conflicting emotions? How do we convince ourselves to plant these seeds of recovery? One suggestion is to look around you at all that is good in your life. Get past the pity just long enough to see other people's struggles. Get past the anger just long enough to see the pain in the faces of your loved ones. Get past the need to be in control just long enough to see just how out of control you really are. There is no doubt that being a compulsive gambler is not easy. It destroys the person. It steals the honesty and confidence of its' victim and replaces it with lies and self-doubt. But life is not easy for most people.

Take a moment and place yourself as a young, intelligent, motivated black student living in the southern United States in the 1960s. Just like a handicapped person in a wheelchair where there are no ramps or no elevators, you just can't get in. You can't go to a white school, you can't eat at a white restaurant, you can't ride the bus, and on and on it goes. But above all of this you still have the hope, love, forgiveness, patience, courage and wisdom to plant an apple tree. No matter how often you hear the word "no", you keep saying "yes".

As compulsive gamblers we need to keep saying "yes". "Yes" I have a problem. "Yes" I need help. "Yes" I need to go to my meetings. "Yes" I need to work the Recovery Program. "Yes" I want to help others succeed.
"Yes" today is my day and I will not waste it. "Yes" I will plant an apple tree today!!!

The Machine Didn't Do It

"Life is the sum of all your choices." - Albert Camus

When I created this Blog it was my intent to tell my story and then over time deal with a number of issues that compulsive gamblers deal with in their recovery. The saturation of our province with VLT machines is one of those issues. Most compulsive gamblers, in the beginning, are always looking for some one or some thing to blame their difficult situation on. They firmly believe that if you took all those machines out of the province, than their problems would be solved. As always I can only speak for one compulsive gambler, and from where I sit, the problems in my life were created by my choices. The number of machines, whether it be 100 or 10, did not cause my problems, and will definitely not fix my problems.

While I agree that the removal of the VLT machines would make it more difficult for a compulsive gambler to get their fix, the underlying problems within the compulsive gambler would not disappear. My belief is that an addict, regardless of their chosen vice, has certain character problems or life problems, that leads them away from the norm, into a lifestyle that they believe they can control. For me, when I was gambling, I didn't have to deal with life. My gambling environment, was carefully chosen, involved as few people as possible and was under my total control. Or so I thought. The one thing that I couldn't control was the money, if I could have, life would have been perfect. For inside that controlled environment I didn't have to deal with anybody or anything. It wasn't about the machine, it was about running away from reality.

Believing that the removal of VLT machines will solve your problem only guarantees that your problems will continue. An addiction is a serious issue. The quicker you realize this, the quicker you can have a new beginning in your life. Blaming your weaknesses on anything other than your own self only serves to extend the time you have to live with these weaknesses. Standing up and admitting you have a problem, while very difficult, is the first step to a better way of life. Don't get me wrong, nothing will ever be perfect. But I don't think that life is about perfection. Life is about choices. Life will return to each of us exactly what we give it. If you can't give it your best, don't blame it on a machine.

Looking For The Why

"All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why." - James Thurber

All of a sudden I am beginning to understand one of the reasons why I gambled. It was a substitute to dealing with the real issues in my life. Dealing with character defects and character flaws makes gambling look like a walk in the park. If you refer back to my earlier entries, you will see that when I quit in the past, especially in the year 2000, I did absolutely nothing to change the gambler. Hence a few years later I gambled again. Now that I am dealing with this issue it is very frustrating when I have a setback, mainly because I don't understand the WHY.

Why is it that when a setback occurs, we start to question everything that we are doing, as if, in some unexplained way we are doing everything wrong? Surely, if all is okay at 4:00pm, then you have a miscue at 5:00pm, all is not lost at 6:00pm. However, if you look at my reaction to the miscue this past Sunday, you would think that something totally earth shattering had occurred. So today as I reflect on what happened, the question is not - where did the anger come from - but - why the devastating response?

Gambling, unlike other addictions, can be hidden for long periods of time. Gamblers, unlike other addicts, can create our own reality for long periods of time. Even though spending is out of control, bills are piling up, hours are spent sitting in front of a machine, we have the ability to create within those people who are very close to us, the sense that everything is just fine. Our reality convinces people that we will be okay. Our lies create a life that is total fiction. Our lies not only deceive others, after a time they even deceive us. We tell our lies so well, that we start believing them. Our lies become our reality.

I believe now that the reason a setback causes such a devastating response is because of fear. Fear that I am creating my own reality again. Fear that I am trying to control people again. Fear that all the work, all the hope, is just a mirage, and in my reality nothing has changed. But as I awake to a new day and see that the world, as I know it, hasn't changed, the fear subsides. My life is better today because I take the time to ask myself the question. No person is harder on me today than me. Today, I constantly challenge every thought, every action and every response. It is very important for me to live in the now. It is very important for me to believe that things are different. While it has been a long time since my last bet, I am very aware of how close I will always be to my next bet, and that distance will never change. Because of this, I need to ask WHY?

Anger - Why?

"Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him." - Louis L"Armour

If there was one thing I realized when I started looking at my character defects, it was that anger was my greatest enemy. Knowing this, allowed me to put strategies in place to deal with situations that would normally cause me to become upset. Either by genetics or some other stupid flaw in my character, I have always had a very short fuse. As I have gotten older these fits of anger were having a very detrimental effect on my system. However, I discovered yesterday, that the strategies I have in place are not fool proof, for the fool in me came out again. This time, maybe because it has been a long time since I have had an angry rage, the result was devastating.

Never before has an angry moment left me so useless. Everything positive that was in my soul evaporated. Because it was Sunday evening, I went to church, but it was just as well if I had went out in my shed. I never heard a word that was said and for the most part I didn't want to hear anything. I was emotionally drained. It was as if I never quit anything. Why not gamble? Why not have a cigarette? Why not tell everyone to go to hell and just leave me alone? Why do I have to deal with this b.s. anyway? You work so hard. For what? To have it all fall apart in about sixty seconds.

Well its Monday now, I didn't gamble, I didn't smoke, but I am still emotionally spent. Why the anger? Where did it come from? How long has it been there? Was I really angry with what happened or is my anger deeper than even I can understand? Do I have the tools to deal with my anger? Deep down, do I want to deal with this right now? Lots of questions but not very many answers. There is one fact that I do believe. Whatever is inside of you, that is what will eventually come out. If you could only hear all the negative crap going on in my head right now. And to think that most people look at me and think that I am normal. Who said you can never read a book by looking at the cover?

Speaking of books, I am currently reading "The Pursuit of Happiness". How ironic, I guess I should go read another chapter, who knows what I might find.

Happy New Year

"After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb." - Nelson Mandela

Sorry I haven't been writing this past few days, but the flu bug knocked me down.

Before I get into focusing on the New Year 2007, let each of us take a moment and reflect on 2006. For me personally, this past year had a number of firsts. It was my first calendar year gamble free. It was my first calendar year smoke free. I returned to Gamblers Anonymous meetings after a long absence. My recovery has moved from dealing with the urge to gamble to dealing with the character defects that caused me to gamble. This past year will serve as a good foundation for me to build my future on. Life continues to teach me, "hurt has given me the capacity to feel happiness, bad times made me appreciate the good ones and what I once thought were my weaknesses are becoming my greatest strengths".(taken from my GA One Day at a Time book)

So, as a compulsive gambler, what are my goals for 2007. Will I let myself dream a little and start thinking of what can be achieved in the future. Will I start a list of "I will do this and this and...." or should I focus on today. No matter what your addiction is, the program teaches us to live "One Day at a Time". Why? Because tomorrow is guaranteed to no man. When we are gambling, tomorrow is always going to be better. We live in a fantasy world, dreaming of what tomorrow will be like, rehashing our mistakes which causes our lives to spiral out of control. Today, I will not fall into that trap.

My goals for 2007 will not be set for a year, or forever, but for today. The program has taught me to focus on today. At the beginning of each new day, if my first goal is not to gamble, the rest of my day will be very fulfilling. By not gambling, I have the ability to look at my life through a completely different set of eyes. I am able to see and experience each gift that is in my life. From my wife, to my children, to my granddaughter, to my family, to my friends and beyond I can enjoy life for the tremendous gift that it is. While it sometimes pains me to think of all that I have wasted, I firmly believe that my excitement for today is clear and vibrant because of all of yesterday's waste. So as you begin 2007, whether you are an addict or not, live for today. For the moment it is all you have. In a moment it will be just a memory. Happy New Day!!!!!!!!