Fresh Starts

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson

Every morning you awake you are presented with a unique opportunity. An opportunity that is personal, that can be designed by you, manufactured by you, marketed by you, and you can hold the trademark on it as well. That opportunity is a "Fresh Start". A new day dawning is a new opportunity dawning in your life. Yesterday is gone and with it all the past successes and failures of your life to date. The choice today is yours. Do you cling to the past or do you grasp that chance at starting anew.

When I was gambling every minute of every day, when I was spending all my time trying to get money to gamble with, when I was spending my time fabricating and lying about my life, I couldn't see the opportunity in each new day. But that doesn't mean the opportunity wasn't there, because it was and all I needed to do was awake just one of those mornings and grasp that chance at starting anew. Thank God I took that chance, not once, but many, many times, until finally I realized there had to be a better way.

If you or someone you love is under the control of an addiction today, they will awake tomorrow to that same opportunity. Like me, they may not take the opportunity immediately, or they may have to make numerous attempts before they find a degree of success. The great thing is though, that every new day they will be given this opportunity, all you can do is say a prayer that today will be the "Fresh Start" that everyone is looking for.

Love, hope, patience and prayer can help you hold the fort while you wait for you or someone you love "to start today and make a new ending".

Teach Me To Love

"Love withers under constraints; its very essence is liberty; it is compatible neither with obedience, jealousy, nor fear; it is there most pure, perfect, and unlimited where it votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve." - Percy Bysshe Shelley

If there is one thing that I firmly believe that I have in common with other compulsive gamblers, it is our inability to love unconditionally. This is very strange indeed, due to the fact that we are one group of people who receive a tremendous amount of love unconditionally. Without stepping to far out of bounds, by speaking for other people, let me relate what I believe about myself.

It is not that I don't love others, it is that I love others with certain strings attached to that love. My love comes to others with a series of qualifiers. My own selfishness, insecurity and fear, has kept me from knowing and experiencing the true meaning of love my entire life. Whether it was conditioned in me as a child, or maybe it is just a piece of my character, this inability to love unconditionally, has cheated not only those close to me, but I have been cheated as well. What is more tragic, is the fact that if I fail to change, just as in my gambling days, my losses will continue to grow.

So where do I go from here? Can you teach a person how to love? Well, I had a chat with my old friend today, and I asked that same question. My old friend has tremendous wisdom, and a wealth of experience when it comes to love. So the answer was an obvious "yes you can teach someone how to love". So together we made a pact, my old friend would provide the teaching and I would provide the willingness to learn. The only condition that was attached by my teacher, was to have "patience".

Just maybe another character flaw will lose the battle to "love".

Too Hot To Touch

"Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death." - Author Unknown

The victims of addictions are most often the people that the addict needs the most. Their relationship is so important to an addict's recovery, that the majority of the time we forget about the victim's recovery or even if they need one. Then comes the trust factor. After very short periods of abstinence, most addicts can't understand why their spouse, partner, parent or friend doesn't trust them. Failing to come to terms with this type of confusion, usually leads to a further erosion of the relationship.

The deeper you go into your recovery and the longer your abstinence becomes, can go a long way in returning a degree of trust into your relationships. But can that victims full, unconditional trust be returned? I don't believe it can. You see, your living your life "One Day At A Time", trying your best to put space between you and your particular vice. You continue to tell people that a slip can happen and you need their support if it does happen. Your victim is trying to return their life to some type of normality, but they are very cognizant of just how fragile their life and their relationship with you really is. The longer your abstinence continues, the more comfortable the victim becomes, but they never let down their guard, their fears are real, even if they say something different.

You see, sub-consciously, their fears never go away. They don't want to be afraid, they just can't help it. In a sense you are "Too Hot To Touch". When you tell them you will never drink again, or never put another dollar in a machine, or never touch another drug, they believe you in the moment, they so want to believe you, but if you put their hand anywhere near the fire, all the bells and whistles of yesterday go off in their heads and you are left wondering what happened. Even if what occurred is just some left over residue from your past, the fear of your past is just too overwhelming. Like a recurring nightmare, your victim can only see the pain returning, they are just not equipped to look at the problem and help you deal with it. You are too hot to touch.

So how do you respond? What does this type of response do to your recovery? What effect does it have on your relationship? Who do you turn to? What can you say? My only thought involves patience and understanding. Think about all they have been through, think about how afraid they must be, think about how confused they must be and give them time. Time for them to see and understand that your recovery is strong, your abstinence is solidly intact and your faith is starving your fears to death.

Changing The Spin

"When you change the way you look at things.....the things you look at change." - Anonymous

When I was at the peak in my gambling addiction, my life seemed to be in a constant spin. My days were spent either gambling or trying to find money to gamble with. When I wasn't spending time at those fine endeavours, my mind was preoccupied with covering my tracks. Telling lie after lie until it got to a point where you couldn't tell the lies from the truth. My life was so empty, so lacking in substance that nothing really mattered. But I didn't quit, I kept my resolve, and each new day I would vow that things would get better. The only problem with that picture was that as long as I was gambling, things would never get better. I needed to change the way I looked at things.

On April 10, 2007, my life once again went into a spin. By April 16, 2007, things had gone completely out of control, as I was faced with the death of a family member. On April 19, 2007, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did. Less than five minutes after returning home from the cemetry, a sheriff knocked on my door and a legal nightmare was born. Within three hours of this happening, the people that I loved the most and needed the most had shut their door on me as well. For the next few weeks my life was totally empty again. If you have been reading my blog, you would of gotten a sense of my frustration. But I didn't quit, I kept my resolve, and each new day I would vow that things would get better. This time my chances were much enhanced, because this time there was no gambling, there was no lying, this time I felt that things would get better.

As the days turned into weeks, the spin continued, I was working hard, but it seemed like I was walking on quicksand. Then, just as if lightening struck, the hard work began to pay off. This past few weeks, armed with a new attitude and a faith both in myself and my Higher Power, we stopped the spinning. Today, with a great relief, the legal problem is behind me and a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Now, I can begin to deal with the sudden loss of a man I truly respected, even though we definitely had our struggles. Now, I can begin to rebuild what remains of my life, hopefully with much patience, hope and understanding.

The message today for everyone reading this entry is, you must believe. You have to garner the courage and the faith to face your fears, whatever they may be. Addictions only destroy lives if you allow them to be destroyed. Both the addicted and their victims need to face their respective fears. The key though, is to face those fears together, supporting each other and admitting when you are truly afraid.

By changing the way you look at things......the things you look at change.

Like Nike, Just Do It

"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know, because I've done it a thousand times." - Mark Twain

Now that things in my life have begun to make sense and I have been able to look at everything in a new perspective, the time has come to get back to what I promised when I started this blog. In the beginning it was my intent to reach out to as many people as possible regarding addictions, most notably gambling and smoking. To date I have written nothing about quitting smoking, even though I have over twenty months smoke free under my belt.

Just like the quote at the top of the page, I must have quit smoking a thousand times. Most smokers do. From where I sit, there in lies the problem. We spend the majority of time thinking about quitting or trying to quit. We increase our anxiety levels, we create excuses, we always leave a door open in case we fail, in reality we are doomed to fail before we even make the commitment to quit. I believe you need to quit first and then deal with the issues as they arise.

First you need to have a real desire to quit smoking. Quitting has to be for you, no one else. Many people may benefit because you quit, but the motivation has to be from you, the smoker. Once you quit, there is really only one obstacle, you. That is why it is best to employ the "kiss" system - "keep it simple, stupid". Drink lots of water, stay focused on your goal, only worry about today, remind yourself of the positives, get plenty of fresh air and begin immediately to enjoy the benefits of being smoke free.

Your clothes don't stink, you don't have to isolate yourself from the crowd anymore so you can have a smoke, you have more disposable income, in very short order you will begin to feel better, and your overall outlook on life will definitely improve. There is not one negative thing that happens when you quit smoking, everything about quitting is positive.

By the way, you will have cravings. After twenty months, there are still times when the urge strikes me, but unlike before, I use the urge as a positive, by reminding myself about the good in my life since I quit smoking. Nothing good in life is easy, if it was every person would do it. I live my life today with hope, optimism, love, joy, peace and patience. I am able to do this because I have accepted responsibility for my problems, made and kept my commitment to change, I try and maintain an understanding for another person's opinion, I accept life for both the highs and the lows, while always staying in touch with my Higher Power.

Like any other addiction, smoking is personal, quitting is just as personal. Good Luck!!!!!

My Garden

"Won't you come into the garden? I would like my roses to see you." - Richard Brinsley Sheridan

Do you remember how often we have sat around the table at Gamblers Anonymous meetings wondering about why me, how did this happen, will life ever be the same again? We find ourselves constantly mired in the past. We need to be saying why not make a change, good things can happen to me and I hope that life will never be the same again. We should want life to be better, tomorrow even better than today.

I spoke with my old friend again today, we didn't spend much time on the past, but we talked a great deal about the present and the future. Every day now life is getting better. I have more energy, more enthusiasm, more desire and a new inner strength. The losses that I have had still hurt, and as my good friend stated, "when you love someone and lose them, it should hurt".

Life is fair, but funny in a way. I have worked so hard to be where I am today. My garden is finally ready for viewing. The roses are blooming, and though they have thorns, their beauty and aroma can dull most anything. My wish for every compulsive gambler, every alcoholic, every drug addict, and every victim, is to stand where I am at today, surrounded by pain, but confident in the fact that the flowers I have planted will continue to bloom.

Watch the Cars, Stupid

"Advice to children crossing the street: damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed anybody." - Moms Mabley

A good nights sleep. Some physical work. A little good news. A call from an old friend. A new perspective and today is already a very good day. In the not to distant future I will relate to you exactly what transpired today, May 7, 2007; but believe me when I say - who cares "what the hell happened here".

It is a funny thing about life, but we all have people and tools at our disposal and we very seldom integrate them into our daily lives. Then, the call comes, and just like someone tapping you up the side of the head, you get it. You realize, who you are, what you are trying to achieve, what it feels like to look in the mirror and what it means to forgive and be forgiven.

For the past three or four weeks, I have been paying attention to the lights, that was why I couldn't see anything. The cars were knocking me all over the place and I just couldn't understand what was happening. I need to pay attention to the cars and let the drivers pay attention to the lights. Thankfully, my friend enlightened me before it was to late. Thankfully, all of my character changes have remained in place. Thankfully, my abstinence from gambling and smoking are still intact. Thankfully, no matter what transpires in the future, I know that everything will be okay.

Obstacles

"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere." - Frank A. Clark

This is one of those occasions where I am writing in my blog because of a need to release some stress. Just by sitting here typing away on my computer, my mind and my body seem to take a deep breath, as if in preparation for another day of "what the hell happened here anyway" thoughts. I have to be honest, in my wildest dreams this nightmare just wasn't there.

In my past few entries I have written about faith, failure, troubles, and living life as you find it, but folks it shouldn't be this difficult. Just one short month ago, it was Good Friday, my life was definitely looking upward. My abstinence was solid and closing in on the 21 month mark. Smoking continued to be allocated to my past, once again with nearly 20 months clear of my addiction. My daily walk was still inspiring, my work around the house was showing some positive signs, I was driving a taxi less than 40 hours a week and was still able to take just about every weekend off. My weight was closing in on my desired goal and my focus on healthy eating was getting even stronger. I got to spend time with my granddaughter just about every morning and from the outside looking in, one would think that our family as a whole, had very little to complain about.

"What the hell happened here?" Obstacles, I have spent my life dealing with obstacles. Folks, I can honestly say that in the past 30 days I have not done one negative thing to alter my life. No gambling, no smoking, no lying, no laziness, no anything, yet life has jumped up and taken a bite out of my ass, that no plastic surgeon could fix. I apologize, but it would be selfish of me to get into the details, but trust me, life is definitely confronting me with obstacles today.

To be honest, this is even aggravating me now. When I would kneel down and pray for strength to change something negative in my life to a positive, it was easy, because the negative, nearly 100% of the time was my own doing. Now though it is not so easy. Today when I kneel down and pray, there are way too many questions and even fewer answers. "What the hell happened here?"

Faith

"The reason birds can fly and we can't is simply that they have perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings." - J. M. Barrie

What keeps you going through difficult and challenging times? What motivates you to awake with the optimism that everything will be okay? History or Faith? History, knowing that you done it before, when your outlook on life was bleak. Or Faith, knowing that you have worked very hard to get to where you are today, and while life will always be filled with struggles, your faith in people and in life, will keep you strong.

My life has been one event after another. Just when you believe that nothing else could go wrong, it goes wrong, and you are left hanging on to whatever is left behind. Then you pray that what used to be, can return, and tomorrow your life will be as it was, as though nothing had ever happened. The problem with all of this is that, the problems belong to me, they are my responsibility, but other people are getting hurt. You try to convince yourself that your relationships can withstand this type of pain, but can they? Can you?

Since the beginning of my recovery, my belief has been that this gambling addiction was not going to win. No matter what happened within my daily life, my faith has been strong. My strongest belief has been that if my abstinence remains in place, if my belief in "One Day at a Time" continues to get stronger, than at the end of the day I can lay my head on the pillow believing that tomorrow will be an even better day. The ghosts of days gone by have come back to haunt me this past two weeks, but thank God my faith has kept me strong.

No matter your struggle - believe that you can fly.