Life's Purpose

"When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind." - Seneca

Is there such a thing? Are we suppose to have one? A purpose that is, or is having a purpose in life, just another ideal that someone thought up. Or maybe my purpose was to smoke, gamble, lie, cheat, seek forgiveness and do it all over again. Now there is a diatribe of negativity if you ever heard one. How can you ever move forward with this kind of garbage going through your mind. That is what this past week has been like. That is why there has been a break in my blog writing. No motivation, and a bountiful dose of negativity.

Everything was going so great and all of a sudden I hit this rut in the road. I read once, that the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Anyway, I had this plan to reach out and share my story with other people, with the intent of helping them. Of course, there would be a fee to cover expenses and for me to make an income. I have a very good friend, who has been involved with an addiction for over 16 years. His opinions are very important to me. This past week, we were talking about another person who was doing a smiliar thing, using his experience with drugs to help others, and my good friend did not agree. He had two main reasons, and he was adamant in both of them. One, something that you received for free, you are now going to charge for, the benefits I received from Gambler's Anonymous. Two, if while you are out spreading your story, you have a slip, this would send a very bad message about the Program.

So here I was, sitting in my taxi, and the disempowering thoughts started to flow freely. For example - "I told you it was foolish to quit. You knew this was not going to work. You could gamble once a week and control it that way. You are what you are, and no matter how hard you try, nothing is going to change that." Next question, what is my next step?

After some aggressive soul searching, a good dose of arse kicking, and an honest look at this past year, it was easy to see what I needed to do, Try Harder. If at first you don't succeed, try and try again. Looking back on it, I have had a great year. Maybe, I want things to happen to quickly. To tell you the truth, I need to believe that I know what harbor I am making for, and I need to believe that I have the right wind. To think any differently, is almost like admitting defeat. The moral of the story is that this is what living with an addiction is all about. Concentrate on winning the battles and not on winning the war. I will continue my story in my next entry, for now, my name is John and I am a compulsive gambler.

Truth

"The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable." - Jim Davis

As you can tell from my recent postings, truth or honesty, which ever you wish to call it, was a hard nut to crack for me. When faced with the decision to tell the truth to my employer, after great soul searching, I was able to do it. In return I had a tremendous weight lifted from my shoulders. However, my new found honesty could not take me all the way. Whichever way we look at it, for most people, we associate truth with pain. For me to go all the way and tell my wife and children the truth, I just couldn't do it. Why? Because I thought I would lose them, and for me, this was too much pain. The way I saw it, I had to deal with the pain of my illegal activity, anymore pain at that time, would have been more than I could bear. Or so I thought.

Notice whose pain I didn't think about. I didn't think about my wife's pain, or my children's pain, or my parent's pain, or my friend's pain. No, my pain was more important. That is what happens to most of us in life. We believe that by telling the truth, or by being honest with ourselves, we will create to much pain for ourselves and for those closest to us. We continue to tell ourselves whatever makes us content, not happy, but content. My gambling is not a problem. I don't drink too much. It is okay to smoke a joint as long as I don't try anything harder. Smoking cigarettes really doesn't cause cancer. I don't need to lose weight, I am perfectly healthy the way I am. The list can go on and on. We don't care who else we are hurting as long as our pain is not too great.

As a compulsive gambler, if there is one lesson that I have learned, it is that there is no place in my life for lies and deceit. Being honest with yourself, first, and truthful with those that you love, second, is what makes your life complete. You never have to remember the truth. You will always be able to look in the mirror. It turns out, that when I finally told my wife about my legal problems and how I really lost my job, the world did not end. Was she hurt, without a doubt. Did she leave me, no. Did we go through another difficult time, for sure. But everything that I created in my mind just did not happen.

Earlier, I wrote that we don't care who else we are hurting. The truth is, the person we are hurting the most is ourselves. You see if everyone in our lives deserted us and we were left to make it on our own, as long as we were honest with ourselves, we can make it. The reality, however, is that when we are honest with ourselves, we are automaticly honest with other people. In turn, that endears people to us instead of away from us. Go figure.

Life is tough and the circumstances that we have to deal with on a daily basis sometimes make it tougher than we would like it to be. But if at the end of the day, we can look at ourselves in the mirror, knowing that we did our best, that we were honest with not only ourselves, but with those that we encountered throughout the day, life will be good. When I compare today with yesterday, I realize by contrast, what great benefits and blessings I have today. My name is John, and to tell you the truth, I am a compulsive gambler.

Rationalization - Another Enemy

"In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Without going into a great deal of detail about my legal problems, let me say that I lost my job and I cooperated totally with my employer and the legal system. To a small degree , this problem is still with me today and I live with that consequence. If anyone would like further information, ask me personally and I will fill in the blanks.

Now, what I am going to tell you next is a far greater story, because it illustrates the mind of an addict, or should I say, this addict. Here I am sitting in my home, I have lost my job, I have a legal problem to deal with, I have no money and no means to make any, so what do I do, I lie to my family. I tell my family that because my sales figures were not meeting the company targets, they got rid of me. I told them that I felt the writing was on the wall for a long time. Now if you feel you know what stress is, come live in those shoes for a period of time.

Everytime in my life, not just in my gambling life, everytime I was faced with a serious situation, I could rationalize in my own mind what was best for everyone involved. My deepest fears could motivate me to do the insane. Looking back, it is a wonder I could even breathe, but the funny thing is, if you tell something often enough it becomes the truth for you. I was so proud of the fact that I was going to Gamblers Anonymous. I was so proud that I sent that e-mail and cooperated fully with everyone involved. But my honesty could not go all the way, I had to lie to my family. I had to lie to the very people that had supported me to this point in my addiction.

This all happened in January of 2000. In February of 2000, I saw an ad in the telegram looking for taxi drivers. I called and found out the information I needed, talked to my wife about it and within a few days I was driving a taxi in St. John's and commuting to and from Carbonear. The only truly positive thing about this turn of events was that at least I could start contributing to my families finances again, even if it was only a small contribution. By this time though, there was a fracture in our family. Our kids were living apart, one in St. John's and two in Carbonear. Even when my wife and daughter went to Carbonear on the weekends, I took this opportunity to drive a cab. While my wife and I were still living together, the constant strain of my addiction had taken its tole.

Many people may see this idea of rationalization as a minor point in what I have written to date. But you need to see what rationalization is all about. It is about self-love. This is what I read in my Gamblers Anonymous book "One Day at a Time" for October 21, 2006. "Self-love is a reflection of an inflated ego, around which - in our distorted view of our own self-importance - everthing must revolve. Self-love is the breeding ground for hostility, arrogance, and a host of other character defects that blind us to any points of view but our own. Love of self, in contrast, is an appreciation of our dignity and value as human beings. Love of self is an expression of self-realization, from which springs humility." Admitting to these character defects, goes a long way in solving our problems. Once again, my name is John and I am a compulsive gambler.

Morning

"He changes sunset into sunrise." - Clement of Alexandria

Before I continue with my story, there is something in my life now that has come about since my recovery started that I would like to share with you. No matter what your situation is today, no matter your trouble, if you complete this little exercise everyday, you will find your life improving. As well, the more you dare to expand this exercise the more peace will come into your life.

What am I talking about? I am talking about those first few moments when you open your eyes in the morning. That first thought that enters your sleepy mind. If you prepare yourself properly, those moments can be the most exciting and promising thoughts of your day. How do you prepare? Just before you go to sleep, no matter what kind of day you have had, remind yourself that IF you wake to another day, it will be a day that you will not waste. I say IF, because one of the main problems that we have is the certainty that we live with everyday. We constantly believe that tomorrow will arrive and because of this we don't live Today.

When I started this at first, I would wake in the morning and very quickly say thank you, unsure of exactly what I was thankful for. Now, however when I wake, my first thought is how happy I am that I have another opportunity to experience all the wonderful things in my life. I am thankful for the fact that I can see, taste, smell, hear and touch. I am thankful for the opportunity to spend another day with my wife, my children and my friends. I am thankful, that in a few minutes I will get to hold my granddaughter. Morning is such a beautiful time. No matter what I failed at yesterday, it is now behind me. Today I will try harder.

If you really want to expand this time in your life, go for a walk. Hear the birds and smell the morning air. Watch and see people as they head out to start their day and wish them well, even if it is in the silence of your mind. Look ahead at your day, think about any challenges that may be waiting for you. Look inside yourself for honesty and truth. Ensure that you are not rationalizing something for your own benefit. There is no problem, no matter how great it is, that approached with honesty, optimism, desire and hard work, that cannot be overcome. And folks, I am living proof of this fact. But, the real secret is in believing that you CAN. Good Morning and have a Great Day!!!!!!!!!

Do the Right Thing, Press Send - Part 2

"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people. - Anonymous

It is remarkable in life how sometimes you can't remember the simplest little thing, but certain events, no matter how involved they are, you remember every little detail. On that faithful Sunday, after my boys went to bed, I sat at my computer and prepared an e-mail for the manager of Newfoundland operations, the same gentleman who had called me on Friday. Over the course of several hours, I researched and detailed the four files that I had manipulated during my tenure with the company.

Once the e-mail was complete, I can remember sitting there reading it, over and over again. The silence in the room was deafening. I had never felt so alone before in my life. I knew that if I hit the send button, my life as I knew it was over. My best estimate was the loss of my wife and children, an emotional minefield for my Mom, who was sick at the time, no idea what to expect from my family and the likelihood of legal action. How could a machine, with cherries, plums, oranges and bells create this much devastation for one individual? How could an intelligent human being, with a good job, a beautiful family and his health and strength be so stupid? I knew what I had to do. I had to send this e-mail. But the coward in me just wouldn't let me press that button.

It is 7:00am, I haven't closed my eyes. I have to get the boys up for school in a few minutes. I stand outside by the corner of the house looking out at Carbonear harbour. The sun is just poking its nose over the horizon. It is pretty cold, but nothing seems to bother me. It is like I have no feeling whatsoever. What would this day bring? I look out through the living room window as my two sons get on the school bus. I can't help but wonder what they will think of their Dad when they find out what I have done. What kind of an impact will this have on my daughter? I have to say the tears flowed freely that morning and as 9:00am approached I knew I had to make a decision. What I will relate to you now, has been my secret for the past six years. I tell it in the hope that someone reading this blog and needing to make a life altering decision will find the strength to do so.

After the boys left, I went upstairs to my bedroom. I found our family Bible and just started to randomly read different chapters. I asked my Higher Power for the strength and courage to send that e-mail. I asked for the blessing of my wife, children and family during what I was sure would be a very difficult time. I asked for my faith to be strong and that the hope for a better tomorrow be my guiding light. At approximately 10:00am on that Monday morning in January of 2000, I hit the send button, believing that nothing could ever be as bad as the last five years of my life. Whoever thought that honesty could feel this good.

Do the Right Thing, Press Send - Part 1

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." - Carl Jung

It is January 2000, my plan of making everything okay again is moving along, very slowly. I continue to remain gamble free and I continue to attend my Gamblers Anonymous meetings. Because of what I have created throughout my addiction, it could take me years to make everything right. I don't see it that way. I continue to operate as if I had done nothing wrong. Then, around the third week of January, on a Thursday afternoon, the phone rings. The voice on the other end exchanged some chit chat with me and then she asked the question.

I wasn't prepared for what she asked me. I stumbled over my words. My whole body went numb. To tell you the truth I thought I was going to pass out. I told her a lie, she accepted my answer and said good-bye. The next two hours were like an eternity. My life flashed in front of my eyes again and again, each time more vivid than before. Reality had hit home, the jig was up. All of a sudden I realized that my two sons were at basketball practice and I had to pick them up. The rest of that evening was basicly a blur.

I didn't sleep that night. I tried, but every time I closed my eyes I saw a disappointed face. One time my wife, the next time my mom, than my oldest son, than my boss, next some other member of my family. I cried, I smoked and than I cried some more. An awful lot of self-pity of course. The question that I was asked on the phone was about a certain file that I had manipulated. By morning, when my two sons went to school, I was in full repair mode. Maybe if I done this, or maybe if I said that, or maybe she accepted my answer and everything will be okay. Around 1:00pm that dream came crashing down to earth.

The phone rang again and I nearly got sick to my stomach. It was the Manager for Newfoundland operations. He asked me a couple of questions, I lied to him as well, than he said good-bye. I waited for my sons to come home from school and than I watched the clock. When 5:00pm arrived, I let out a cautious sigh of relief. It was Friday, so I knew that not much else could happen until Monday morning. My wife and daughter came home for the weekend and for the most part it was an okay weekend. I didn't sleep much and everytime I was alone my thoughts were on the problem that was sitting there, just waiting for Monday to arrive.

I thought about telling my wife, but I told myself that at this point in time, it would only complicate matters. Looking back, the truth is I didn't have the courage to tell her. Sunday evening came, my wife and daughter went back to St. John's, the time came for my sons to go to bed and than it started - the longest night of my life.

One Person's Courage

"There are no mistakes, save one; the failure to learn from your mistakes." - Robert Fripp

It is now the fall of 1999, my wife and daughter are living in an apartment in St. John's during the week and coming home on the weekends. My two sons and I are living in Carbonear and waiting until June of 2000 to make the move to the city. Everything in my life is upside down, but somehow deep inside of me I believe that I can make things okay. Without going into detail let me say that there has been a situation developing over the course of about eighteen months involving illegal activity on my part and I have myself convinced that I can make it right.

Early November, for reasons that I still don't know, I decided to quit gambling and return to Gamblers Anonymous. In my mind I have everything rationalized to the point where my plan is to rededicate myself to my work and my family and within a short period of time things can be put back in order. The difference between developing a plan in your mind and making that plan a reality can sometimes be a little overwhelming. It becomes even more difficult when your job pays you a straight commission and the amount of money you need is in the thousands. You know, as I look back at it now, no one could accuse me of not making lofty goals.

When you are the center of your own attention you fail to see the tremendous sacrifice that other people are making. For the months of November and December 1999 even though I hadn't gambled I wasn't able to generate much income either. Christmas was right around the corner and I had no idea how we were going to make it happen for our family. We had an apartment in St. John's and a house in Carbonear to pay for. We had two phone bills, two power bills, a car payment, insurance, groceries and a few things that I am probably forgetting. I really can't remember what kind of a contribution I made to our family finances during that two month period, if any at all. I had no idea what my wife was doing to get ready for Christmas either.

During my involvement with VLTs there were certain events that stick out in your mind. Christmas Eve, 2000 is definitely one of those times. Shortly after our kids went to bed, my wife and I started the tradition of gathering up the gifts and preparing for Santa's arrival. As my wife started to place the gifts in the living room and sort them for each of our children, I couldn't help but look on in amazement. How did she do it? How was she able to make a Christmas for our family by herself? When I commented to her about what she had achieved, a tear came to her eye. I had always known the strength of my wife, but I have to say that never before had I seen such courage in the face of adversity. This lady had created Christmas out of very little. She done it alone. She knew of my battles and she was going to keep fighting for this family as long as she could possibly do it.

My wife will tell you to this day that I believe that God understands your weaknesses and to make up for this he gives you someone to help you cope. It is no fluke that I married this very special person, she was given to me as a gift from God and I thank him for her everyday.

Escape Route

"God does not command that we do great things, only little things with great love." - Mother Teresa

I apologize to those of you who are waiting for me to continue with my story, but this has been one heck of a week. Everytime I think my life is moving forward something else jumps up and frightens me. Yesterday, my regular check-up with my family Doctor took place. Just routine stuff, go over my blood work, discuss my general health and what is going on in my life. Of course my Doctor is aware of my gambling addiction and as always he inquires as to how I am doing with this part of my life. I tell him about my great plans, how excited I am and what my future plans are. He seems to be excited for me as well, but then he drops the Bombshell!!!!!!

What is your "escape route" he asks very calmly. I don't have one, I don't need one and I don't want one. For me an escape route is a way of allowing a very tiny part of your brain to say "you know it is okay if you have one little slip." For me, with the changes that have occurred in my life, a visit to a VLT would be a tremendous set back. Guess what, he answers with the following "this is exactly why you need an escape route." We argue for a number of minutes about this fact and then he relates a story to me about someone he knew. This person was just as excited about their future as I am, but one day he slipped and because he lacked an escape route, he took his life.

You know folks, I don't need this crap right now, but seeing as God gave me some intelligence, I understand it. From where I sit this is how things look. Everyone who has been involved in my life for the past 50 years has formed a picture of who and what I am in their mind. Good or bad, they have a picture, complete with colour and graphics that comes to mind when they hear my name. Whether it is my Dad, my brothers and sisters, my wife, my children, my friends, my previous friends and aquaintenances, or anyone else that I have had contact with in the past 50 years, except for one person.

The last time I gambled was in July of 2005, the last time I smoked was in August of 2005. On September 10, 2005 my granddaughter was born. The way I see it, she will never know a Poppy who gambled and she will never know a Poppy who smoked. She will know a totally different person than even my children know. She is my sunshine, she is my new beginning. She represents, not just the purity of herself, but my purity as well.

So Doctor, I have built the box that I reside in today, the question is, do I need a window??????

20 Questions

"It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself." - Thomas Paine

For those of us who have admitted that we are no longer able to control our gambling the 20 questions serve as a reminder of how out of control our lives were. For those of you who are unsure of where you stand when it comes to gambling the 20 questions are a benchmark that you can judge yourself by. The first time I heard these questions and I heard myself answer them, I couldn't believe the impact that gambling was having on my life. Denial was the route that I chose and because of that my misery continued for quite some time.

Most compulsive gamblers answer YES to at least Seven of these questions. My answers are in brackets.
1) Did you ever lose time from work due to gambling? (yes)
2) Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy? (yes)
3) Did gambling affect your reputation? (yes)
4) Have you ever felt remorse after gambling? (yes)
5) Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties? (yes)
6) Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency? (yes)
7) After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses? (yes)
8) After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more? (yes)
9) Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone? (yes)
10) Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling? (yes)
11) Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling? (yes)
12) Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures? (yes)
13) Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself and your family? (yes)
14) Did you ever gamble longer than you planned? (yes)
15) Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble? (yes)
16) Have you ever committed, or considered committing an illegal act to finance gambling? (yes)
17) Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping? (yes)
18) Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble? (yes)
19) Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling? (yes)
20) Have you ever considered self destruction as a result of your gambling? (yes)

As a footnote you could easily substitute drugs or alcohol in any of these questions. As the remainder of my story unfolds you will continue to see and more than likely find an increase in the usage of words such as - responsibility, choice, adjustment, forgiveness, realization, accountability, peace, love and hope. My life today is not about my past, it is about my future, however I will continue to use my past as my motivation for a better life. You can do the same. You are where you are at this very moment because you choose to be.

Loneliness

"Loneliness, the clearest of crystal insight in to your own soul, its the fear of one's self that haunts the lonely." - Keith Haynie

Because of something that happened in the past twenty-four hours I need to change course for this entry. If you are reading this and you are addicted to any of the vices that are out there, gambling, drugs. alcohol, cigarettes, or if you are the loved one of an addict, you need to be aware of the part that loneliness plays in the lives of an addict.

There is no greater fear than that of being alone. Even though I spent most days sitting in front of a machine not wanting to be disurbed by anyone or anything, I was truly afraid of being alone. Because of the way you lead your life as an addict, at any moment the people you love most in your life can leave you. Sometimes, even when you are still living with them you get that feeling that you are actually on your own. To tell you the truth, the times that I felt most alone were when I was with a crowd of people.

You understand where you are at, the trouble you are in and why you are in such turmoil. The person next to you does not understand and will never understand. Add to this the feeling of dispair, of total loss and maybe you can begin to understand the tremendous effect that an addiction can have on your entire system. For those who want to get help or for those who want to help, the answer is the same - be open.

To the addict, be open with the people you love and who love you. Be open with the professionals who are trying to help you. Be open to suggestions, offers of support, or even a shoulder to cry on. Let me tell you, I have shed many a tear in the last ten years.

To the person who wants to help, be open to really listening to what this person is telling you. Be open, do not become the judge and jury. The last thing that a person who is depressed and lonely needs is someone to judge them. Be open to just waiting for the person to ask for help and then do what you can for them. You may be hurting as well so it is very important that you keep your feelings separate and get some help for yourself as well.

Finally, as I work my way through the sea of emotions that I experience on a daily basis, as a compulsive gambler, who has been clean now for quite some time, I need to be totally aware of the times now when loneliness befalls me. I really felt that this was behind me, but like every other part of this addiction, nothing is ever behind you. I will always be a compulsive gambler, and that I accept.

The Face in the Mirror

"The most important of life's battles is the one we fight daily in the silent chambers of the soul." - David O. McKay

When the VLT's are finished taking your money, when your lies can't convince people anymore, when the only person you have left to talk to is yourself, the stark reality to a gambler is the addiction has won. The inner pain is numbing, stress won't let you sleep, your financial losses are insurmountable and you feel like you are a burden to everyone you know. Your mind is constricted to the point where self-hatred, rejection and hopelessness are the only feelings in an otherwise empty vessel.

As your mind flips from face to face, your wife, your children, your Mom & Dad, your brothers and sisters, your friends and co-workers, how can you look at any of them anymore. You know they don't trust you, you know they don't believe the words coming from your mouth and you know that saying you will quit just doesn't cut it anymore. The solution, if you are the problem - take care of the problem.

That is how that faithful day in early 1999 unfolded. First I gambled and lost, then I evaluated my options, then shortly after 6:00 pm I left my home and drove to the side of the pond. There I sat, car in drive, ready to solve the problem. It would be impossible for me to tell you today exactly what went through my mind during that first hour, but I can remember coming to the realization that I had been in a stationary position for quite a long time. What was I doing? Who was I hurting? Did I have the courage to actually take my own life? What would my children say? What would happen to my Mom? Question after question kept coming into my mind, each one without an answer. Another hour passed only this time there was a real doubt in my mind.

I firmly believe that what happened next saved my life. A Higher Power intervened and asked me the really tough questions. Who are you really afraid of looking at? Is this choice your about to make really going to solve your families problems or is it just going to solve yours? Is this how you want to be remembered? The gambler who quit, or the man who stood up and faced the music, whatever that would entail. After what seemed an eternity, I gently put the car in reverse and made a decision that I will never regret.

Unfortunately, suicide is an option that far to many addicts choose. For whatever reason, I was one of the lucky ones. If you or someone you know may be close to making this choice, remember there are always other options. My problems did not end that day, as a matter of fact they got worse, but a good friend of mine once told me, the hour before sunrise is always the darkest. At least this way I can deal with it.

Next up - those twenty questions.

An Average Day for a Gambler

"There is just one life for each of us: our own." - Euripides

One thing about being a gambler you are never bored. By 1998 everything in my life was upside down, but there were still positives. My daughter graduated from High School in June of 1998 with an average that gained her an entrance scholarship to Memorial. My sons were doing very well academicly and because of their involvment in various sports they seemed to be enjoying their teenage years. By the fall of 1998 my wife and I were discussing making a permanent move to St. John's due to the fact that in a few years all three of our children would be attending Memorial.

What I am going to relate to you now may give you some idea of how a gambler thinks. Everything for a gambler is about self-preservation. From the moment I awoke in the morning my mind was working on two things - first did I have any money to gamble and if not where could I get money - second, how long before I could get in front of a machine. The moment that my family left for work and school, the following happened. First I had to shower and put on my suit because of course I wouldn't gamble all day, I would have to do some work. (Yeah right) Then, if I had money, within an hour I would be sitting on my favourite chair in front of my favourite machine. Oh yes, we gamblers had our favourite spots and we would be upset if someone was playing "our" machine. Now, if I didn't have money, then I had to get creative. Because of the damage that this part of the addiction caused me in all facets of my life, I am not going to detail the many ways that I got money to gamble. However, let me say that many, many people were hurt by my actions and I take full responsilbilty for their pain. While I have said this before - my deepest apologies to my wife and my three children - you deserved better.

While this tells the story of the main portion of my day , the remaining hours were the most stressful. You see sitting in front of a machine was the only place where a gambler could be at ease, that is until you started to run out of money or the moment you had to leave started to arrive. Once I left that machine, now I had to start covering my tracks. This involved remembering the lies you told earlier, making up stories to account for your day, checking the mail in case a damaging piece of information had arrived and trying to smile and seem happy when your entire system was telling you something totally different. I am exhausted just relating this to you. Oh the lies, definitely the most debilitating part of the addiction.

It is 7:00am and I am outside puffing on a cigarette. The clouds overhead are darker than I can ever remember. Today, I have to make a decision that will impact my life forever.

We Lose Our Home

"Nothing is, unless our thinking makes it so." - William Shakespeare

By early 1997, the gambling was full blown again. Looking back on this particular year, I can see now just how deeply infected we get with the gambling virus. At one point in our lives we were for the most part normal human beings, living life day to day, enjoying our families, our friends and dealing with the everyday challenges that life offers up. When gambling becomes the primary focus of our life, a once responsible individual, becomes so focused on himself that he can hurt the people he loves the most without regard for their feelings.

For the first half of 1997 my life consisted of gambling, telling lies and finding money to gamble some more. Everytime that I gambled, this was going to be the time that I would start winning enough to pay off my debts and make everything wonderful again. The ironic twist was that every day that I lost, that was the day that I would swear I would gamble no more.

By mid 1997 it became very clear that we would lose our home and once again I made a commitment to my wife and family that this would be the end of my gambling. We moved out of our home in the fall of 1997 and rented a house in Carbonear. (If you put yourself in my wife's shoes, can you imagine how she felt the day she had to walk away from her home. She had done nothing wrong, except to continue to live with a gambler.)

It was around this same time that we declared personal bankruptcy, because we believed this would give us an opportunity to start over again. I went back to Gamblers Anonymous meetings and started to seek professional help again. My life however, was in a full downward spiral and at the time I didn't have the tools to deal with anything. While I was going through the motions of seeking help and I was admitting for the first time that I was a compulsive gambler, everything was on the surface, there was nothing penetrating my inner soul.

I didn't know it at the time, but life was about to get a lot worse.

My Family

"Don't ask for a light load - but rather ask for a strong back." - Anonymous

Before I go any further into where my addiction took me next, I would like to talk about my family. If you are suffering with an addiction today there is one thing you should get very clear in your mind - your family is it. They will be the one's to catch you when you fall, they will support you in your most desperate moments. But they will only do it for so long and then they will need to move on with their lives. As addicts we might feel that they have abandoned us, but nothing could be further from the truth. They are trying to survive and while they still love you, they need to look after themselves as well.

My wife though small in stature has a heart as big as the world. Looking back at what she had to live with, the embarrassment, the loss of her home, the loneliness, how could she have stayed for so long. She tells me today that she knew about the good that was inside of me and she believed that in time it would shine through. If your loved one is supporting you today, hug them as often as you can and say thank you twice as much.

My children have a great number of their mother's qualities as well. When I started gambling they were 14, 12, & 10. They were aware of the turmoil I was causing. As they got older they became even more in tune with the devastation that my habit was causing, however at all times they stood by my side. I have ben very lucky in that my children have ben very frank with me when discussing my addiction. They show me strength, courage, love and a belief in me as a person and as their father.

As this story unfolds you will continue to see the role that my wife and my children played in my recovery.

Gamblers Anonymous (the first step)

"Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create that fact" - William James

Shortly after losing my business I gained employment with a national company selling various financial products. Gambling , however continued to be a part of my daily schedule. Around mid 1996 we got a call from our bank that our mortgage was in arrears and this was the green light that my wife needed to attack my gambling habit. In an attempt to make everything right I agreed to stop gambling, seek professional help and start attending Gamblers Anonymous meetings.

I will never forget the first night I climbed those stairs to attend my first meeting. Without getting into the contents of the meeting, it was clear to me that these people had a far greater problem than me. The first step in facing a gambling problem is to admit that you have one. My problem was I didn't think my gambling was a problem, it was just a run of bad luck. While I continued to attend meetings and started to see a psychologist, I was doing nothing to change or alter my behaviour. Looking back today all I was doing was appeasing the people in my life (my wife, my employer, and a few friends) so that the price I would have to pay would not be to great.

If you are reading this material and you have an addiction of any kind or if you know someone who has an addiction remember that saying you have a problem and believing you have a problem are two separate things. After my history of gambling is complete I will get into the differences in our personal attitudes and how you can make that commitment to change your addictive ways (no matter what the addiction). For the present time I have listed the links to the various support groups depending on your area of concern.

In The Beginning

My first introduction to Video Lottery Terminals (VLT's) came around 1994. At first it was something that a small group of my friends used to do after a meeting that we would attend bi-weekly. After each meeting we would contribute five or ten dollars to a pot and play the machines for an hour or so as we relaxed and enjoyed a beverage or two. After three or four months of this I found that I was hanging around a little longer and putting a few extra dollars in on my own. No big deal I thought.

By mid 1995 every spare moment that I had was spent in front of a VLT. I had my own business, so therefore my lack of discipline affected not just my work time but my personal time as well. I started making excuses to leave the house in the evening so I could spend a few hours gambling. It was about this time that the worst part of any addiction kicked in - the lies. You start by telling one lie and before long you are telling lies when you don't even need to tell a lie.

By the end of 1995 I could no longer keep my business afloat. I told my wife and my friends that there was just not enough business in the area where we lived to stay open - the truth was that I had spent so much time at the machines and had lost so much money that I ran the business into the ground.

about this blog

This blog among other things will be about one mans fight with addictions. First I will tell my story of how my life was controlled by a severe gambling addiction and how it affected not only myself but everyone associated with me. Then I will tell how my life began to change and with the help of some very special people control of my life was put back in my hands and after several hard learned lessons I not only beat gambling, but a thirty-five year addiction to cigarettes as well.
Today, my life is exciting, challenging and full of hope. My passengers enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs. Life is about choices and if you stick with me, you can learn how to take control of your life as well. The choice is yours.